Originally Posted: 2004-08-18 11:26am
MISSING: Half a Cockroach
Last night in my bathroom I found HALF A COCKROACH. Half!!! Who the fuck finds HALF a roach? The thing is I thought it was a whole bug because it was so FUCKING BIG and upon closer inspection I realized it was ONLY HALF. So basically this thing was originally the size of a fucking anaconda. afdsagjdskfljdflka So even though it was dead it was really hard to remove because it was sorta stuck to the tile. I guess all the bug guts (all three gallons of it, that shit was a juicy motherfucker) glued this HALF OF A BUG onto the floor. One of the legs (which is pretty big I might add) is still stuck there. I need a chisel or some shit. Or a fucking blowtorch. This HALF roach kinda reminded me of Chewells, remember that shit? It was gum except there was some fruit jelly inside, so when you chewed it, the gum would explode in your mouth. That is what this roach was, except it had the hard candy shell too.
And that, mis amigos, left the question, WHERE THE FUCK IS THE OTHER HALF? So I started looking for the other half, because the thought of just half a bug hanging out somewhere in the bathroom, possibly near my toothbrush or vagina, was sort of killing me. So I look and look and I can't find it. I don't know where the fuck it is. Half a bug, the size of a minivan, fucking missing in my crapbox 187 square foot apartment. You can't lose anything in that shit, it's like losing something in a shoebox, you have to be a fucktard. So my first thought was maybe this roach got severed in half by Something, and so the front half just crawled away to "safety". I dunno maybe some Aliens vs Predator shit went down and some roaches had a turf war and left half a roach as a sign. Maybe the roach had a rat stuffed in its mouth, I dunno I didn't look because I don't know if roaches even have mouths. Then my second thought was a rat ate half of this gigantic roach and got full and left the other half for later. SO then I started wigging out because rats are fucking hideous and act as if they own the fucking joint, eating my food, leaving table-sized shits everywhere, having fucking parties (literally fucking parties, i.e. parties in which they fuck). So then I started looking for rat shit and the other half of this fucking roach. Agh I'm getting nauseous just thinking about this. And then I stopped because I realized I was being fucking neurotic and did I really want to find what I was expecting?
And then I was like uh yeah I want to find it because I like pain and also closure, so I looked but couldn't find it and now all I'm left is a bunch of unanswered questions and a roach leg stuck to my tile floor.
this is in or around my crapbox studio