To all of the assholes at Shea Stadium
I am a Mets fan. I've been one my whole life. If only someone pulled me aside when I was five and said, "Hey kid...you should root for the Yankees." No one did, and now I'm here, posting to all of you about all the different kinds of assholes I encounter when 'enjoying' a game at the ballpark. Before I start ranting, though, let me just tell you why I'm posting. DON'T BE A METS FAN. If you have kids, or nieces/nephews, or if you're an elementary school teacher, give those lil' bastards Yankees everything. You, and they, will only find assholes at Shea Stadium, and you already put up with enough assholes in your life.
1. The ticket assholes. Y'know, the old bastards who insist on wiping your seat for you for a dollar. The ones who block every attempt to sit in better seats "because if they find out, I'll be fired." Who cares? How much are you making anyway you fucking jerk? Go watch Matlock.
2. The ticket brokers. Hey, fuckjerks, keep buying all the good seats to every game so that when I go to the walk-up window for Mets v. Expos, the only tickets available are Mezzanine Reserved in row ZZ so all I can see is home plate, or Upper Deck Reserved so the players can't hear me yelling at them, "Don't suck!" Now, the fuckjerks aren't actually at Shea, rather, their cronies...
3. The ticket scalpers. No, I don't have a fucking ticket to sell you. No, I don't want to buy your field box ticket from you. You can tell me it's authentic all you want, but I know that there's still counterfeiting from an entirely different game - Mets v. Phillies 7/16/04 (Fireworks Night). Y'see, 6 people shared 3 seats. I saw the tickets with my own eyes. And don't take offense when I curse you blue when you're trying to sell me tickets within 20 feet of the walk-up ticket line. I don't care if you are...
4. The undercovers pretending to be ticket scalpers. Fuck yourselves. People just want to see the game from a decent seat.
5. The Pepsi Party Patrol. I don't want a t-shirt that's probably a surplus from the mid-nineties. I don't want your spud gun aimed at me; remember what happened to Maude Flanders? You fuckers can't dance worth a shit, and you throw the t-shirts like you have palsy when you aren't using the spud gun. Shoot each other with the t-shirt launchers. That's a fucking party.
6. (Yankees & Mets) fans. Pick a fucking team to root for before I slay you.
7. Yankees fans who show up in Yankees regalia to non-Interleague games. Do Mets fans go to Yankee stadium? NO. And why is that? Because Yankee Stadium is the 6th level of Hell. (The 7th level, by the way, is wherever Steinbrenner, Torre, and Torre's Satanic nun sister of his gather to perform their black arts.) One exception to the rule: any of you fine looking girls who are playing tag-along to another couple, wearing your Yankees jersey in a hot fashion - you'll find me in the back row of the Mezz.
8. Fans of the visiting team (sans children). I don't want to hear your shit. No one cares about your team. Your team sucks. I know my team sucks, but at least my team plays in New York. (It was nice to learn that Phillies fans have the same hopes of splitting the season series with the Mets, as we do with them...and Philadelphia has nice cheesesteaks...and Rocky. YO ADRIANNNNNNNNNN!)
9. Fans of the visiting team (with children). Fuck your fucking kids' fucking innocent fucking ears. Stay the fuck in Bumblefuck and never come back.
10. Fans who sit in the wrong seats unintentionally and have to move. Learn to read you illiterate fucks.
11. 'Fans' who show up to their correct seats later than the third inning. Did your dog eat its own shit and puke it all over your Playstation? Is that why you're running late? If you've already missed half the game, you might as well stay home and clean up the shit-vomit.
12. Fans who sit in the wrong seats intentionally. So what if I like to buy Upper Deck seats and sit in the Loge right behind home plate? Catch me doing it, you bastards.
13. Unknown fuckers who are always on the actual field before game time. Who are you fuckers? What did you do in life to deserve the honor of walking on the field at Shea? Did someone you love die? Did you save a unicorn from a careening traincar? What the fuck? I play baseball in a men's league. My fastball is about 60 mph. I'll never get to be on the field. I love the Mets more than you do. You deserve nothing.
14. Inner field box season ticket holders (except Jerry Seinfeld). Now, I really, truly, absolutely detest, and abhor, the Wave. But when the Wave is coming, don't just sit there, not doing the Wave, when the Outer Field patrons send it your way. No one's allowed to throw batteries anymore, so we can't reprimand you properly. Do the fucking Wave.
15. Jerry Seinfeld. For the love of Christ, stop buying fancy cars. Oh, and when I finish my screenplay, you better take it from me when I sit next to you at a game in the near future. And, you better fucking laugh.
16. 'Fans' who leave before the game is over. Hey! Who got to see the Mets rally for two runs down by a run with 2 outs in the ninth over Jason Isringhausen, and who didn't? Fuck you.
17. The Broadcasters. The only people I want to see/hear - Tom Seaver and Keith Hernandez/Gary Cohen and Ed Coleman. If Fran Healy mentions Todd Zeile's movie one more time I will throw him off the scoreboard.
18. Ownership/Management. No one actually scouted Kaz Matsui. They just kinda wanted him. Maybe even in a gay, gay way (like watching Spider-Man dance). And I think we're still paying Bobby Bonilla to not play for us. And Mo Vaughn. And how about that youth movement comprising Gerald Williams, Scott Erickson, James Baldwin, et cetera? Lenny Dykstra for Juan Samuel? Sure. Billy Taylor for Jason Isringhausen? Fucking A! Sheffield? No. A-Rod? No. Vlad? No. Value, Bronze, Silver, and Gold game ticket pricing? Yes. Refundable tickets? No. Bobblehead dolls for adults? No.
19. School Marching Bands. Play the Imperial Death March over and over again, and then get off the field. We don't want to hear you play anything else.
20. The Mets. You fucking fuckers! They are THE EXPOS! You underachieving bastards should be well in first place. Stop losing to them. Oh, and I want my money back for attending two of your three losses to Pittsburgh. And don't think I'll wait for you bastards to return to Montreal for me to catch my first game up there if you don't turn it around. And I want a Mets umbrella - I lost mine on the Staten Island ferry, distracted as I was talking to a kid who lost both his parents. Hey John Franco, the next time I see you at the UA theater or Richmond County Bank, I will not hold back in telling you how much you suck now.
Thanks everyone. I feel better.
this is in or around Flushing