Originally Posted: 2004-06-05 3:49am
i know who i am and what i want, and i have no regrets
you're a beautiful, warm, kindhearted, conscientious, gentle, generous, funny, witty, family-oriented woman who is looking for her soulmate. you've been searching your whole life for that one person to cuddle by the fireplace with, to feed each other food at a nice cozy romantic restaurant, to share the rest of your life with. you've searched long and hard, have been disappointed many times, yet you have faith that someday you will be united with your one true love, and despite all of the pain and heartbreak and loneliness in the past, it would have all been worth it in the end.
does that describe you?
if the answer is yes, then STEP LIVELY, because you're not the one i want to waste my valuable time on.
i'm a lazy, slovenly, balding, overweight, ill smelling, grotesque slug of a man. i've got more chins than fingers, more fingers than teeth, and more belly than jabba the hutt. uncultured, foul mouthed, unmotivated, uncaring, and ignorant are all adjectives insufficient by many orders of magnitude to describe me accurately. i hate everyone and everything. i smoke four packs of unfiltered menthol cigarettes a day in designated non-smoking areas and blow smoke in other people's faces just to see their reaction. when i'm walking down the street, i stop suddenly for no reason so the people behind me run into the folds of lard that is my fat ass, and fart at them volubly. when i'm stuck in traffic, i lay on the horn until the battery dies. i sneeze on all of the food at the buffet line at the deli, refuse to tip at restaurants, and move my lips when i read. i blow the boogers fresh out of my nose right onto the sidewalk for you to step on, and kick little children when their parents aren't looking. i'm missing several fingernails. i haven't been able to hold onto a job for than a few weeks at a time, and i like to stick my hand up women's skirts on the subway. i live in a cockroach infested shithole of a basement with my two wives. i hate dogs and cats unless they're medium rare. my eyeglasses are nearly an inch thick, i've lost hearing in my right ear, and i got a total score of 5 on my last credit report. when god made me in an act of unprecedented vengeance against humanity, he first asked himself what he could unleash upon mankind that was worse than rap music and new jersey, and i was the unholy result. my idea of women's rights hasn't changed since the 50's, i've got several venereal diseases involving discharges of pus, a severe speech impediment, and have a tendency to salivate copious amounts of fluid uncontrollably during arousal.
i believe i'm a good person, and am simply looking for someone who can overlook some of my imperfections. if that person is you, hit me up. i guarantee i will rock your world.