Looking for someone you're NOT interested in? Look no further!

I AM FAT! Yes, you heard me right. Not cute and chubby. Not Rubenesque. Not voluptuous. I'm plain, old-fashioned F-A-T. Call it whatever you want, there's no amount of big, oversized shirts and baggy sweats over three times too small spandex and girdles that can hide the fact that I'm a flabby, chunky, whale of a woman. Yeah, I can use all that secret code and say I'm a BBW or justify it by saying that there's "more to love"... but if you met me, all you're gonna do is take one look and say, "Hot DAMN, she's fucking FAT!"

And not only am I fat, but I'm a fat CHINK too! You know how Margeret Cho looked BEFORE she lost the weight and AFTER she gained it back? Yup, that's me. And before you tell me that she's not a Chink; she's a Gook, what the hell does it really matter? It's not like you non-Asian folks can tell the freaking difference anyways.

Given that I'm a Chink and all the pre-conceived notions of what Asian women are supposed to be like, this increases my list by several factors.

UNlike "all" other Asian women, I'm TALL! So you're not gonna get a itty bitty little petite China fuck-doll to coddle over. Chances are that if I ever met you, (especially all the "six-foot" men on CL,) I'm gonna tower over you, because not only am I 5'9", I like to add insult to injury by wearing shoes that have at least 2" think soles.

UNlike "all" other Asian women, I'm LOUD! So you can forget about the giggly little soft-spoken Oriental flower you THINK you're gonna meet. I'm gonna laugh as loud as I fucking want and I'm probably gonna laugh EXTRA loud behind your back when I talk to my friends about your obnoxious, self-important opinions and your undoubtedly weird as fuck habits.

Which leads to to other things...

I HAVE OPINIONS. And while I might have cared about what your opinions were, that pretty much ends when you start spouting off what you think like everything you say is the freaking addendum to the ten commandments or something. You have no respect for what I think, I have less than that for what you think.

I AM CHEAP. Yes, I expect a man to be a freaking MAN and offer to pay for shit. Sure, I might not take you up on it, but then again, I might. And guys who wait and watch for me to take out my own wallet before they'll take out theirs when the check comes are cheap fucking bastards. On TOP of that, if I offer to pay for something and you fucking LET me... why don't you just fucking move back in with your parents and just mooch off of them for eternity and leave the rest of us women and our wallets alone.

I AM SHALLOW. Oh sure, I'm no Cindy Crawford or Tyra Banks or whoever the hot new young "thang" is out there. (Who the hell keeps up with that stupid stuff anyways?) But *I* don't want to date a freaking Sasquatch anymore than the men around here want to date Roseanne. (Yes, in my head, Roseanne = Sasquatch.) I may be everything no one wants, but I'm not desperate either.

I AM UNHYGIENIC. I don't shave my legs and underarms every freaking day. If I don't think anyone's gonna be looking, why the hell should I be playing contortionist and balancing acts in my bathroom for no one? That's just RETARDED. I pick my nose. I will find weird little things on my body and smell them to figure out what they are. I have a period stain on my underwear right now as I'm typing this AND I don't regularly floss. It's not like I've been meeting any Mr. Cleans out there either, so fucking deal.

I SMOKE. Like a fucking chimney. And I'm not going to quit. So take all your "Smoking is bad for you" comments and shove it up your pristine, smokeless nose. I'm killing you with my second-hand smoke? Then get the hell away from me and stop standing next to me and breathing it in! Unless you're a slug or something, you can walk away can't you? And what the hell are you doing in New York City if you don't like breathing things in that are bad for you? I don't care about your "Smoking is bad for you" crap. You think you're telling me something I don't know? You think I've been living under a rock and missed all the anti-smoking idiocy that permeates the whole freaking planet? I FEEL like slowly killing myself, so fuck off! Talk to me when you stop ingesting McDonald's and all fried foods and meat and all the other crap that can kill you out there. And if you already don't do any of that stuff, then fucking get out of your plastic bubble and get a life. If you're not doing anything that's killing you, then you're probably not even living to begin with. You're sure gonna feel like a fucking idiot when you're lying in the hospital however many years from now dying of NOTHING.

I SMOKE POT. And I inhale too.

MY FAMILY IS NOT NORMAL. I only elaborate with my therapist about that. And by "therapist," I mean whomever I'm dating.

I AM NOT NORMAL. I get urges to do strange things and I will ask to do them. Not all the time, but every once in a while. It's mainly curiosity that drives me, but nonetheless I like to have my curiosity satisfied. And if you don't let me do them, I will probably bug you until you do let me. I like putting make-up on guys. I like to hold a guy's dick when he pees. I like to spanked. I will get fascinated by certain body parts and probably play with that body part incessantly until it drives you nuts, and not in a good way. If you beat me at a game, I will want to play it with you ALL the time until I beat you at least once. And even then, I might still make you play it until I can beat you on a semi-regular basis. I will try to stick my finger up your nose. I will give you wet willies. I will insist that when I karate chop you, you must pretend to die. I like to play D&D. I will try to cup your balls in a soup ladle. I will decorate your penis with things that I think will look cute/funny on it and probably want to take a picture too. The list is endless.

I SNORE. And occasionally I talk in my sleep too. Sometimes in Chinese. And I steal the blankets.

I'VE GOT A DIRTY SENSE OF HUMOR. I like sex jokes. I like fart jokes. I'll imagine people's "O" faces and snicker to myself over them, and I'll find dirty innuendos in everything people say. No, it's not ladylike. And fuck you.

BUT I ACT LIKE AN INNOCENT ANGEL BECAUSE I AM DECEPTIVE THAT WAY. No, I don't lie about big things. (In those cases, I would look at the next paragraph.) But I will act way too polite even if I'm offended by something you do, (especially if I'm not familiar with you,) or I'll act all innocent about "naughty" things because I have a deeply ingrained fear of disapproval and rejection. So what? Like 90% of the people on earth don't. And if you think that's cowardly, let me take advantage of CL's gift of anonymity to say FUCK YOU!

I AM TOO STRAIGHTFORWARD. If I want to know something, I will just ask you, regardless of if it's polite or not. I'll ask you how much you make. I'll ask you how old you are. If you have a booger hanging out of your nose, I'll say so. If you send me a picture of you that shows that you have hair, and then I meet you and you're really bald, I will say, "Hey, you're bald." If I've gotten to know you really well and something that you do has pushed me beyond the bounds of sanity, I will call you on it. Sometimes in conjunction with some sort of tempermental breakdown.

I AM AN AVOIDER. If I feel a tempermental breakdown approaching, I will do all things possible to try to not have to go through it, usually by completely ignoring you and/or avoiding you at all costs. If you're not a good friend of mine and it gets to the point where I am just not comfortable with you because you have proven yourself to be a freak of nature, I will have no qualms with never speaking to you again.

I AM TWO-FACED. I can hate your guts and still act really, really nice towards you. In fact, I have had people whom I absolutely hated think that I am their best friend. All the while, all I can think about is if I can get away with gouging their eyes out, because if I do, they'd be blind and have no way of identifying their attacker.

YOU CAN NOT FIGURE ME OUT. Don't even try. It's useless.

I DON'T ALWAYS FINISH WHAT I START... and that's why I'm not going to continue with this stinking list because I'm tired and I want to go to sleep. And I'll probably snore extra loud just for you.