Dear Men of CL,

I have already written back to about 25% of the well over 400 of you who replied to my somewhat less-than-articulate posting (read: insecure, pathetic cry for help). First, to the number of you who wrote well-intentioned, articulate letters of encouragement, thank you. You did so much to boost my morale and make me realize that there are a great number of men who do prefer a smaller chest - and who see far beyond such physical attributes, and even if I did not get around to personally responding to your e-mail, do know that I read it and I am touched.

Now, to the rest of you:

I know most of you are here looking to get laid. That is fine; that is what this forum is for. Let me give you some advice, however. Every woman that posts here will be receiving 200+ replies, sometimes double or triple that. Numerically, the odds are stacked against you. It's not that unfair - a woman on CL faces risks and disadvantages when meeting someone for a NSA encounter that a man simply does not have. So she has to choose wisely, and you have to give her some reassurance that she will not be meeting a violent psychopath ape-man. Learn from your peers:

NINE TYPES OF E-MAILS NOT TO WRITE (Also, "Nine E-Mails a W4M on CL Will Delete")

1) "hey sup mami i like small brest 27 male 5'9 175lb br hair gr eyes send pic lata" will definitely be deleted. Immediately. Without a hint of remorse. There is just too much wrong with this. I'll just talk about brevity first. A one-liner does not make you stand out, and you need to stand out or don't waste your time writing at all.

2) The Paranoid Homophobic. You are the man who is skeptical that I am for real, and who wants me to prove to him that I am a woman and not a gay man posing as a woman or a gay man collecting pictures of other men. I am sorry if this has happened to you and you're traumatized by it. BUT, if you keep asking me to send you a picture, and then questioning whether or not the picture is real, and asking me to call you, and then questioning whether or not I've disguised my voice - I AM GOING TO STOP TALKING TO YOU. And there's goes your opportunity. I mean come on now, if I really am a gay man, what am I going to do if we end up meeting in public? When you see that I'm a man and leave, do you think I'm somehow going to tackle you in the middle of Times Square, rip off your pants, and stick my penis in your ass?

3) The Paranoid Executive. That's great that you think you're an important person. No need to overemphasize the necessity of discretion. I will not feel the need to go to your wife/friends/company and broadcast that I had a sexual encounter with you, unless I'm evil. Then I'll probably blackmail you, too. But if that's the case, you telling me that we have to be discreet will only make it easier.

4) "ur pic gets mine". I have 400 e-mails to wade through! Do you really think I'm going to take the time to write a reply to your terse request AND attach a picture when there are 200 guys who wrote a considerate reply and/or attached a picture of themselves first?

5) Mr. Penis. Look, okay, I don't think like you do, I'm a girl. A close-up of your penis with cum all over it is NOT going to make me want to talk to you. As someone very aptly put it, "chicks nix dicks pix." If you have one, please send a clear picture of your FACE (and body, clothed, if desired) that is big enough for me to have some idea of what you look like. Don't call yourself "dark, handsome and good-looking," "soooo hot," "model-quality attractive," or "fuzzy bunny baby butt cute" if you're not. I'll only be disappointed when we meet and I find out you lied or embellished, and not only will you not get me in bed, but I will be pissed that you lied to me and it will be much awkwardness for all.

6) Mr. Small. I will only commiserate with you to a very limited extent over your small appendage. When I mentioned I was looking for someone who liked small breasts, that did not give you free reign to talk about how you, too, are inadequate. You are supposed to tell me that I am sexy, not deficient. We are neither of us inadequate, little one.

7) The Asian Fetishist. As a woman of Asian descent, I am oh so flattered by your sweeping generalizations about the "delicate, sweet, soft, and docile" character of my "people" and I am very convinced that without seeing my picture, you know exactly how hot I am and how "petite and sexy Asian women are" and also that you "know everything about how Asian women like to be treated" because even though I was born in Dallas and grew up in Orange County on surfing and alternative rock bands, something inherent in my ethnicity makes me share these innate elements of personality with every other woman of my race - and somewhere along the line, you've cultivated a fool-proof method of Asian-seduction. Good job.

8) Dropped out of grammar school. We're all adults here, right? Please speak in complete sentences, not pager code.

9) Generic Copy-Paste. This can be a decent alternative to bad one-liner (see #1). However, you must at least make me think that the whole thing was written about me. If I say I have small breasts, you might want to add a line about liking perky handfuls. Because really, it's pretty obvious when you've sent the same e-mail to every chick on CL. Trust me. Especially when I get the same long response to two very different postings of mine, written 3 weeks apart.

So anyway:

I spent so much time writing replies to everyone that I had to take my laptop in with me when I went to drop my kids off at the pool. Yes, Mr. I-Can-Relate-Because-I-Am-Also-Inadequate, I was commiserating with you over Yahoo Messenger while I was pooping. I probably had logs bigger than your penis. (Now everyone is up in arms over the small chested girl being hypocritical - chill, no harm intended). Anyway, how's that for delicate oriental flower?

Sorry, I digress. The lesson is, if you want a girl to reply, stop being such a lame-ass. There's this thing called originality. Try using it.