Originally Posted: 2004-03-08 12:43 (no longer live)
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Wanna hear about a bad date?

Do you remember that joke of Chris Rock's in which he said, "When you first go out on a date with someone, you're not dating them; you're dating their representative"? The idea being that people approach dating, especially first dates, like a job interview. They try to appear as perfect as they possibly can in hopes of "landing the job" after which they can decide whether or not they want to take it. Well, I recently went out on a couple of dates with somebody who, I don't know if I was getting the representative exactly, but if the first date had gone anything like the second, there never would have been a second. She was soooo not the girl for me. Not a bad person. I thought she had several good qualities. Just not the girl for me. Let me count the ways.

1. She was running late when we were supposed to meet up. Like really pretty late. She told me "give me another half hour." I waited a half hour and then went to her place. She still wasn't ready so I had to come in and wait for her. While she finished dressing I had to listen to her complain about how she "felt fat." Not a big deal. Every woman has those days but why does she want to show me this side of her on a second date?

2. She tells me during pre-dinner conversation how she has no sex drive. She has never been less interested in sex than in the last couple of years. Did I miss something? Is she trying to use reverse psychology on me? Or does she somehow think that this is going to be an attractive quality?

3. After a glass and a half of wine she begins to complain about feeling tipsy. I don't mind if she's a lightweight, but to complain is not good. If you're feeling tipsy, hurray!, the wine is working. Roll with it.

4. In conversation, I start to get the idea that she is a little bit bigoted. Maybe more than a little, actually. She uses the word 'faggot' a couple times and the level of irony in her use was kind of questionable. Then, as I'm telling her a story about the time I and some friends got mixed up with some pretty hardcore Bloods in L.A., she asks me if my female friends (all white, or at least so she assumed, albeit correctly), in choosing to hang out with this crowd (all black, which I didn't mention until she asked me), weren't afraid of being gang-raped or something. This was a semi-legitimate question, I guess, as these particular guys were pretty morally bankrupt. But, when I dismiss the question, she defends it by saying something like, "still, they were taking an awful risk; white kids from the suburbs don't do that." I was too shocked to say anything other than, "Uhh, yes they do."

5. After dinner is finished she excuses herself to the ladies' room. When she returns she tells me that while she thought she had floss in her purse she in fact does not. "This might be a real problem," she tells me, "we might have to go back to my house." Okay. Oral hygiene is a good thing. This level of fixation is not. It turned out okay though because she was able to get a toothpick from the bar. Which she proceeded to use, extensively, AT THE TABLE.

6. Leaving the restaurant she informs me that the dinner has made her "tooty". For anyone who doesn't know what that means, I think it's worth spelling out: she is now farting a lot.

7. Not really knowing what we are doing next, she takes me to a bar where her friend is bartending. She proceeds to talk a lot about how good looking she thinks he is.

8. She cajoles me into coming back to her place but warns me not to "get fresh." This is not a teasing, flirting kind of thing. She means it. I feel like a wimp for not telling her that I just want to go home.

9. Once back at her place, her tipsiness has turned into a headache that is making her whine. I have some sympathy but, if she knew that this would be her condition, shouldn't she have just sent me on my way?

10. Her roommate's cat enters the room. She baby-talks to it. For really quite some time. More than I think is okay in front of people.

11. Despite the "don't get fresh" warning, she does want to cuddle. I am confused in the extreme as to what exactly her boundaries are and so I make a lousy cuddler. Plus, my level of affection for her has waned a bit since the night began.

12. She tells me that "the liberals are ruining this country." This comes somewhat out of left-field and it makes me laugh more than anything that she has said up until this point. She is not joking. I am apalled.

13. She insists on sleeping with the television on and then snores loudly.

I went home the next morning reminding myself that it was just this kind of disaster I was trying to avoid when I used to be against dating.

Now I am wondering if I should just not call her or if I should let her know that I think we are very very incompatible. Opinions?


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