Originally Posted: 2004-03-04 01:53 (no longer live)
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O lame-ass apartment, why do I put up with you?

O, lame-ass Manhattan apartment, why are you and I still together?

Why do I put up with climbing five friggin’ flights of stairs every time I want to get to you? On a good day it’s nice to get the blood going for sure, but do I really need those 84 stairs when I’m carrying groceries, heavy packages, or my bike? You’re even starting to frighten my friends and family….my mom has all but decided to stop visiting until I get “a nice second-floor walkup with an elevator in the back” – like that’s ever going to happen!

Why do I put up with your super who’s so unworthy of his title it’s ridiculous? I mean, the guy hasn’t once, in a year and a half, returned a single phone call to his house and yet he refuses to give me his cell number. What kind of super is that?! Super asshole is about the only thing I can think of.

Why do I allow myself to live in you when you can’t possibly hold all my stuff? I’ve made more trips on the shuttle bus to Ikea than you can possibly imagine (can you say “vertical shelving”?) and yet there still isn’t enough goddamn room in you to fit my entire life’s worth of possessions!!!

Why are we surrounded by such wacko people? Why, for instance, must the guy across the hall use as his outhouse the rickety old 19th century bathroom in our hallway, while oftentimes OPTING NOT TO CLOSE THE DOOR? What’s the deal, pops?! I really don’t want to hear your loud-ass farts, much less see you doing the deed while I’m making my way home from a long day at the office. While we’re at it, why does my downstairs neighbor insist on complaining to me - in note form - every time I have someone over, simply because they’re WALKING too loud?!

Why does your water have a goddamn mind of its own? I want hot, it’s cold. I want cold, it’s hot. If I’m lucky I’ll get a warmbutnotfreezingoneminutescaldingthenext shower once a week. And by the way, why does your water leave everything it touches – yes, including the Brita filter – orange?! Curious minds want to know.

Why, o apartment, are you so far from my subway stop? Based on my crude calculations, I have already wasted 10,600 minutes of my life walking to and from your door. And that doesn’t include extra time for nasty snow/slush days!!

Why do you make me deaf? Do you really think I need to hear more of the city’s jackhammers, yapping smokers from the bar we’re on top of, a cappella panhandlers who sing the same songs on our corner almost every freakin’ night, 18-wheelers barreling down our street at all hours, garbage trucks making the rounds at 3 in the morning, car alarms that won’t shut the hell up…(I could go on but I think you get the point)??

Last but certainly not least, dear apartment, WHY DO I HAVE TO SELL MY SOUL TO THE DEVIL JUST TO AFFORD YOU? We all know it’s you who should be paying little old me to put up with all your nonsense!

Well, I guess I should be happy to have a roof over my head. When it comes down to it, what more could one want from this crazy city we call home?




post id: 25669135