TO THE WOMAN WHO IS BLOWING MY BOSS
Don't say that I don't need to know why you're calling. By now you should have realized that he will only answer the phone if he knows who is calling and the reason why they are calling. If he doesn't feel like dealing with you at that particularly moment, get over it.
Don't call "to talk." I know you're friends are impressed that you're giving sloppy blowjobs to a 40-something executive a few days per week, but he can't be at your beck and call 24/7. There's the 11:00 meeting. Then lunch. Then the 2:00 meeting. Then a meeting at 4:00 to tell them other executives what happened at the 11:00 and 2:00 meetings. If he doesn't even have time to yell at me for hanging up on you (which you swore he would), then he doesn't have time to talk.
Don't pester me as to why he didn't return your 2:30 phone call. It's probably because he knows you'll call again at 3:30. And he won't return that call either.
Don't make small talk. "How are you?" "How is your day going?" Receptionists hate this shit. You're the 159th person who has called the office today. How am I? I'm annoyed that I had to pick up the phone 159 times only to hear people grumble about how so-and-so hasn't returned their phone calls or e-mails. Get in line. Your message is number 31 on his voicemail. Also, I really don't care how your day is going.
Don't try to be my friend. There is nothing a receptionist detests more than someone with verbal diarrhea. "Does he still love me? We haven't had sex in a week. Is anyone else calling his office besides me? Is he going to buy my flowers? Does he talk to you about me? What does he say?" Shut the fuck up. The only thing I'm thinking about is when I can go on break because I've had to pee for the past 10 minutes. When you ramble I don't listen to a single world you say.
Don't give me your phone number and ask him to call you. I have caller ID. I know your work, house, cell phone numbers and when I see them on the caller ID, I simply groan, "I hate it when this idiot calls."
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