Originally Posted: 2004-02-17 5:38pm
wanted: web designer (why this phrase may get your ass beat)
okay kids, this is a checklist. before advertising for a web designer, make sure you read and understand each of the following:
1.) no, i cannot create an animated dog for your home fucking dog food company that will lick your visitors upon arrival for that extra special something and automatically create a database sorted by sex, flavor, age and career, from which you can send out personalized mailers. you were honestly the fastest sperm, huh?
2.) if you know flash, why do i have to?
3.) if you state in your ad that you know absolutely nothing about web design, you will get soaked. period. we're all just sharks, circling around, waiting for that phrase to appear in an ad. we all know what other quotes you're getting, and when we charge you fifteen hundred dollars for a three page, two color layout, it's your own fault. by the way, we all got together and spent the fee on hookers. ugly ones.
4.) sneakily trying to advertise for a web designer to make you a porn site is weak. just say in your ad that you want to show naked pictures of women fucking dogs so i can decide, before i apply, if i want to see that sort of thing, and not AFTER you've sent me a mentally and emotionally scarring photo of a maybe-blonde (it was hard to tell, at that angle) and a great dane, and THEN ask me if i am comfortable with that kind of content.
5.) do not ask me to design something to send you and then tell me you've found someone else. if i am spending three hours putting something together to show you, you're going to pay me for it. period. make sure to attach your work number so i can call your company and tell them disgusting and embarassing stories about you, if you happen to decide to rip me off.
6.) try very hard to consider what you're looking for. if you want a twenty-five page site with eighteen forms and six flash animations, complete with unique, personally written soundtrack, fifty page, five hundred image photo gallery of your sailing trip across lake michigan, which must, at all costs, be password protected, expect to pay better than three bucks an hour.
if not all of this is necessary, say so up front. if it IS necessary, include it in your fucking ad, fucktard.
7.) not every web designer on earth knows flash, php, cgi, mysql, how to program your vcr, where you put your porn you downloaded off kazaa for 'educational purposes', and whether or not that deal you got on your two year old palm pilot was awesome. do not assume we do.
8.) no, you don't need flash. no one is going to be impressed by it. if you're selling handmade bird cages bedecked with ribbon and lace, a flash movie is not going to increase your sales. try suicide. shit's always worth more after the 'artist' has kicked. also, you're taking up air that the rest of us could really use.
9.) when i quote you a price, it's based on what you've told me about your site needs. if you want to alter something, expect a new charge. that's just how it works. if you ordered a red car from me and then changed your mind after a week and wanted a black one, you'd be up shits creek, sans paddle. look at it this way - i'm not beating you about the head with a stick, so you're getting off lighter than the last guy who fucked with me.
10.) after all is said and done, the site is uploaded and i'm expecting a check in the mail that never comes, be prepared for some indignation on my part. ripping someone off for money they earned, especially when they've given you the deal of a lifetime is not just rude, but bewildering. and if five months later, you happen to see someone in glasses, wearing a checkered shirt complete with pocket protector, and holding a picture of you - run. all web designers know each other, and we're looking for your ass to beat you with an old c64 keyboard.
so we can rob you and call the hookers back.