Why do female co-workers feel a compulsion to organize "Secret Santa" gift giving in the office each year?

To start with, morale in my place of business (banking) is incredibly low due to exhorbitant pay disparities, staff cuts, and over work of junior employees. To add insult to injury, I'm now placed in the awkward position of buying a dumb gift for a managing director who 1) doesn't know my name, 2) views me as a disposable plug, and 3) earns 12-20 times what I do.

I do not want to buy him a gift, and I WOULD NOT have to buy him a gift, if it weren't for the meddling of a fat fuck woman organizing some Secret Santa gift exchange.

Of course, the women in the office tout the Secret Santa gift exchange as "voluntary", but then they approach you in front of your co-workers (some of whom are senior) with a goddamn hat full of crumpled up pieces of paper.

"Secret Santa time!" they say with a dumb sing song voice.

And then they just stand there with an oblivious, goofy, shit eating grin. It's all I can do to keep from unloading total shock and awe.

And therein lies the problem. You're trapped. To not participate is perceived as "weird" and non-conformist, even anti-team player, and your rejection of the event creates potential ammunition to be used against you at a later date when your superiors are discussing your performance bonus.

Do women not get it? Secret Santa is an entirely female engineered phenomenon. Men did not create it, and men feel precisely 0 (zero) compulsion to organize such an event. They even feel resentful when "blackmailed" into participation.

So go to the fax machine and pick up the memo, ladies. During the holidays:

1. Decorate the fuck out of your cube and your cube alone. Do not touch mine.

2. Drop a Daisy Cutter (Google it, fucktards) on that burning compulsion you feel to tell everyone in the office to bring in homemade "treats" for people to graze on. If you need to rip through a case of Double Stuff Oreos, forklift your fat ass down to the cafeteria. Do not blackmail other people into feeding you for free.

3. During the holidays, you are permitted to nag the following: a blood relation, your puss boyfriend, your closet fag husband. If you nag any other male, it's not nagging, it's ANNOYING UNPROFESSIONAL BEHAVIOR.

Subset examples:

A. Don't tell me to put canned goods in the fucking homeless shelter box. Unlike you, I volunteer at the homeless shelter - and not just during the holidays.

B. Don't send me "reminder" e-mails telling me to order a Tickle-Me-Elmo off of Amazon for the retarded kid in Belize. I said I'd do it, and I'll fucking do it.

C. Don't pester me about the status of my holiday shopping. What am I getting you? Oh, that's right, a leaky bag of sulfuric acid and a holiday tin of flaming shit.

Your takeaways:

If you're female, and you're not attached or related to a male office co-worker, then, with the exception of NSA blowjobs and the normal requirements of business, LEAVE HIM THE FUCK ALONE.