Originally Posted: 2006-09-11 5:27pm

*******Brokers: MUST READ*********

Dear Brokers:

1) A bedroom by any other name.....

Just tell me how many goddamn bedrooms there are in the apartment. Perhaps the very definition of bedroom is in question so let's get down to brass tacks. A bedroom, I think we can all agree, is a space large enough to fit a bed. To be called a bedroom in an ad, it must be a room with a door that separates it from all the other rooms. It must not contain the front door to the apartment. Any room that does not meet these three criteria is not a bedroom. When it comes to bedrooms, please do not round up to the nearest number. A two bedroom with a strange space between the kitchen and the living room is not a three bedroom.

2) I know how many bedrooms I need

If I am in the market for a three-bedroom, don't show me two-bedrooms. One of my roommates is not going to evaporate into thin air just because the apartment has really great light or high ceilings. If we are in the market for a $3000 three-bedroom, a $3000 two-bedroom is not just as good. It is 1.5 times too expensive for two of us, and pretty much useless for the third.

3) Albany, NY is not on the Upper East Side.

Let's talk about neighborhoods. Perhaps you are hoping to prey on the uninitiated, but your number is up. You can't play that "Upper East Side/Upper West Side" game with us! We all know that 119th St. and 2nd Ave. is different than 79th St. and 2nd Ave. Same goes for the West Side. 181st and Broadway--not the same as 81st and Broadway. Some of us want to live at each of these four addresses, so why not save us all time and call a spade a spade? Even if you happen to lure an unsuspecting newcomer with promises of "The Upper East Side," what happens when they get off the 6 at 110th St. to come see the place? Will you blindfold them and lead them to the "Fabulous Upper East Side Steal--Must See"?

4) Pictures of New York landmarks will not interest me in an apartment.

I know that New York City contains BOTH Central Park and the Empire State Building. I know it is an exciting city that looks great at night. I mean, for Chrissakes, I live here! When I see the little orange "pic" next to a listing, what I want to see is a picture of....the apartment. Today I opened up just such an ad to find....a picture of the castle in Central Park. Is there an apartment in there for rent? Please, for the love of all that is good, tell me: What were you thinking?! And while we're at it:

5) Hallways are not enticing. Neither are bathrooms.

A single picture of a really long hallway is NOT going to make me drop everything and ride the train to its farthest stop. Dark hallways--even worse. Long hallways say: the rooms in this apartment are small and poorly laid-out. Then there are the ads with a single picture of the bathroom. Bathroom pictures say: this apartment is so ugly, the bathroom is the only room I felt I could publicly post. Do you know anyone who moved into a shithole because the bathroom fixtures were newly installed? Ok. No hallways. No bathrooms. Finally:

6) &&&&&&&& <<<<<<< ******* >>>>>>>> %%%%%%%%

Get it? Wait, you don't understand? That's because these characters do not transmit information. Why do you waste your title field with them? Actually, they do transmit information. They say: This broker is not smart or classy.

All I'm asking for, really, is: Price. Number of bedrooms. Accurate neighborhood listing and/or subway stop that is nearest by foot or (shudder) bus.

What it comes down to is: We know what we want. We know what we need. We're not idiots. Just show us apartments and take our 10%, 15%, even 17% brokers fees with a graceful smile.



  • this is in or around Upper East Side
  • no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

post id: 205959221

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