Originally Posted: 2003-10-03 00:34 (no longer live)
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Everything I Learned About Internet Dating, I Learned On Craigslist

Never date a guy who can’t spell the word “special”.

Guys who offer “free” massages only to women are either homophobic or smart enough to realize only a guy would actually let a stranger from the Internet massage them.

Give someone a fish and they eat for a day. Give someone a fish on craigslist and they’ll spend the rest of the time complaining about the way you gave it to them.

“Helpless romantic”…there is some honesty in advertising.

If a person wants to do lines, they’re not actors. If they want to do lines and want to do it at your place, they’re not homeowners either.

“Vanilla seeks to mix with chocolate” was not an award winning advertising campaign for Baskin-Robbins.

Some people just don’t realize in most cases, “feminine lady” is an exercise in grammatical redundancy.

When men say “professional” they’re either talking about sports or hookers. When women use the term “professional” it really means you should be rich.

Apparently being a married man that desires to cheat on his wife debilitates your ability to realize women are seldom “discreet”.

The AMA (American Medical Association) should write an article on how reading the “women seeking men” ads on craigslist could be a potential cure for insomnia.

Enjoy life is no longer a Chicken Soup for the Soul mantra that empowers people to live each day to the fullest, but has become the craigslist anthem for men who believe the only way to enjoy life to the fullest everyday is for women to sleep with them.

Men who use the term well endowed should have to use a special rating system, like college libraries specifying whether they are “city college endowed”, state university, or Harvard. For the particularly gifted, the term Library of Congress suggests the appropriate level of massive volume.

If a guy says he can get you into to Lotus, make sure he’s referring to the lounge and not the Kama Sutra position.

I need no further reason to state guys should just avoid girls who say they’re anything like one of the girls in “Sex and the City”.

All men on craigslist are 6 feet tall, professional, wealthy, work out every day and are well-endowed (Harvard) leading me to concede once and for all there is no way either Al Gore or Kim Jong Il could have possibly invented the Internet since neither of those men meet that description.

And last but not least:

It is impossible to find an attractive, intelligent, worldly man on craigslist.

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Follow-up...

Apparently if you're a discontent/angry/slightly bitter female on CL, you must also be fat. In order to fit into this theory I have spent the entire morning eating nothing but Ring Dings. Though I'm sure for you who felt so inclined to email me "you sure are angry, you must be fat", anything must look big compared to the underwhelming stature of your a) penis and b) intellect.

Show Bill Gates you approve of pioneers who shun the rituals of academia by using that nifty feature in Word called "spellcheck". If you don't know what it means, holler up from the basement and get your mom to tell you.

In case you didn't get it, emailing me to ask me what my sign is and what kind of lingerie I'm wearing was not the point of this post.

Here's what I'm looking for:

Intelligence. If you "get" the concept of my post then you will display it in the body of your email, but hell, I'll even accept attachments.

Attractive. This is relative. By attractive I mean inside out. Consider yourself one of those cool 80's retro reversible shirt deals.

Worldly. Well-traveled on various continents, not mattresses.

Funny. Denis Leary, Dennis Miller, you should get Wrightisms. If you don't, you're the wrong person for me.

Genuine. Like Levis, be the genuine article. You can even wear Levis. Just as long as I like them and you have a nice ass.

Appreciate the beauty of the $2.50 bahn mi sandwich at Pho Ang in Chinatown. Where else in NYC could you get pate, good bread, fresh vegetables and ham for that cheap?

You're nice to waitresses and waiters. You tip well. Like me, you tip well and are friendly so you get lots of good service and free stuff.

You don't consider spending an hour reading Maxim, actually reading.

Hopefully this will reduce my emails...

To those of you who thought my post was funny, thank you. I think it's always best to approach things with humor, even sarcastic humor.


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