I know you don’t understand what happened two years ago when you broke your back and lost all control over your back half. Remember when your other mommy and I sat beside you day and night twenty four hours a day, making sure you didn’t move after your surgery? And you had to wear diapers, because you peed and pooped on everything. You used to look at us so ashamed and we would try to tell you, “We know it’s an accident. It’s okay.” Remember when we used to fill the bathtub and make you swim in it, and you looked terrified and betrayed? We had to do that! The doctor told us it was the only way you would ever be able to walk again. We didn’t believe that was true. For months all you did was drag your ass behind you. Then, one day, we came home and you were so happy to see us you STOOD UP!! We all cried. And we called everyone we knew and screamed into their answering machines, “CHARLIE STOOD UP!!”, cuz we’re nuts. Eventually you did learn to walk again, and that did make me think, “Maybe Christopher Reeve isn’t trying hard enough.” But, who knows? And your walk is very wobbily, it ain’t pretty. You look like a drunken Judy Garland, swaying and wobbling down the street.

So, now, about the penis touching thing. Since the accident, your ying yang hangs out A LOT. My mom is a nurse and she says what you have is common for paraplegics. Now, understand that your two mommies are lesbos, so yeah, dog penis in the fully opened lipstick style is not something that excites us.

But, because is hangs out, it gets dry, and painfully chapped and red. That’s when Queer mommy #1 has to put on the antibiotic oint ment and then Queer mommy #2 holds the little penis pouch while Queer mommy #1 shoves the penis back in. We see you looking at us like, “Is this necessary?” Unfortunately, it is. So, we want you to know, when we are shoving your p-diddy back into it’s cubby hole, it’s not sexual, it’s just two mommies trying to help out.