best of craigslist > new york > Dear CATS: You make it impossible to love you!!!!
Originally Posted: 2006-05-17 7:48am

Dear CATS: You make it impossible to love you!!!!

I have owned cats my entire life, but you two are in a class all your own. I adopted you and so I will never abandon you, but why must you make it so hard for me to enjoy your existence?

Cat #1. Fatty McRetard.
You came to me as a three week old sick kitten found under a staircase. My vet friend brought you to me, knowing that I wouldn't say no. and so you were mine. But now that you are an adult, you have confirmed what we always suspected. You're an inbred cat mutant.

You have an excessive shedding problem. I can't touch you without getting covered in hair and my apartment is a dustball despite the daily use of the vacuum. You teeth fell out at 6 months and now I have to make a wet food/egg/rice slop for you to gum twice a day. But since you're not unlike the heffers you see plowing through their value meals at McDonalds, you eat so fast that you puke up your meal and then enjoy it for a second time.

Your ass glands leak! All the time! I have to wipe your ass with a kitty baby wipe three times a day which of course you hate so I constantly walk around with scratches on my arms. Your ass glands also tend to leave a signature wherever you sit.

You follow me everywhere! EVERYWHERE. Give a girl some space.

You're kind of stupid. You still haven't leaned what glass is and it's horrible to watch ypou fly across the apartment to the window trying to get the pigoen that's perched on the firescape just to smack into the glass. It HAS to hurt! Stop it! There's glass there! And please stop trying to drink out of the toilet. You can't support your massive weight and you always FALL IN and then tear ass around the apartment soaked in toilet water. Not cool.

So to sum up: you are obese, leaky ass glands, toothless, shed 100% of the time, and clingy beyond comprehension.

Cat #2 Coward McHidey

You were a tiny kitten being chased by a coyote. I just happened to witness this and saved you while visiting my folks upstate. My reward for saving your life? You.

You hide. That's all you do. It's been 6 years. Don't you trust me yet? But whatever, to each his own. Just may I ask you to NOT hide in my drawers? Yes, I will marvel at the fact that you possess the skills to open drawers in the first place, but when my nice neat clean clothes become covered in your hair, it's not OK.

You are the fussiest eater I have ever seen. Just be grateful that I can afford to buy you the good food or you'd be chomping on Friskies. But are you grateful? No. You turn your nose up to everything and then SCREAM for hours on end like you are being starved. You are given dry food, wet food, bits of fresh chicken, and even rice...I DON'T EAT THAT WELL!!! Shut up and stop being so picky. And oh yeah, you owe me $150 because I dragged you to the vet just to have him tell me that the reason you don't eat much is because you're picky.

Take a cue from my fiance. You can't ignore me all the time and then just decide you want some lovin and expect to get it. Please cease hopping on my head when I am sound asleep in the middle of the night purring like crazy. This is not the time for petting and belly rubbing. This is the time to sleep. Do you ever come to me for some love and attention when I am awake? No. Not once. If you decide you would like some attention during the hours I am awake, then I'm game! Come on over! But no more pouncing on my head expecting a belly rub a 3:30 AM.

To both of you:

I'm glad you get along so well. I know you love each other. But we need to end the play fighting. I know you enjoy pouncing on each other but could you keep the noise to a minimum? MEEEEEEEeeOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRROOWWWWWWWWW is not a soothing sound. Kindly play with your indoor voices! And Fatty? please don't lick Coward ...like that. It's gross. Like, really gross.

I understand that sometimes you guys don't feel well. It happens to all of us. You know I will always get you medicine and make you better. But PLEASE do your best to not puke, cough up hairballs, pee, or get the runs ON MY BED! There is a whole apartment with easily cleaned surfaces for that. But no. Each and every time you guys get sick it's on the fucking bed! I have bought 4 mattresses in 6 years! Enough is enough.

Just try your best to not be so annoying! I know we can make this relationship work.



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