best of craigslist > new york > True confessions of a pic collector.
Originally Posted: 2006-03-08 8:11pm

True confessions of a pic collector.

I like to cut out the pictures I receive in response to my fake ads and glue the faces to my GI Joe action figures. Then I enact epic battles between the Craigslist Cobra and the Craigslist Joe. Usually I hyphenate the action figure name with the real name of whoever sent the picture. Sometimes, if they don't sign a real name, I just use their email handle. For instance, in my last battle, which took place on my kitchen counter, Larry-Snake Eyes and EastSideSanchez06-Grand Slam captured Michael-Big Boa after he got his foot caught in my dish drying rack. Michael-Big Boa was really scared because, as you know, Larry-Snake Eyes doesn't talk. He just fondles his big black pistol and stares. It's really creepy. And Michael-Grand Slam has all the padding in his red pants, which is really intimidating.

So anyway, Larry-Snake Eyes pistol whips Michael-Big Boa and bends his limp figure over a wine cork and ties his hands and feet together with dental floss. Then EastSideSanchez06-Grand Slam fills a plastic bottle cap with water and positions it on the counter in front of Michael-Big Boa's head. Larry-Snake Eyes grabs Michael-Big Boa's feet and rocks him forward, submerging his head underwater. Michael-Big Boa jerks his head around, desperate for air. Larry-Snake Eyes lets his feet fall back to the ground, lurching Michael-Big Boa's head out of the water.

Grabbing his captives hair and jerking his head back, EastSideSanchez06-Grand Slam moves his lips a mere centimeter from Michael-Big Boa’s ear and shouts, “what were you doing in the restricted area? Are you a spy? Do you know what we do to spies?”

Michael-Big Boa knows what Craigslist Joe does to spies. But he doesn’t answer. Instead he jerks his head away from his captor and plunges it back into the water in hopes of drowning himself. Larry-Snake Eyes kicks the bottle cap out from under his head and sends it spilling across the counter. EastSideSanchez06-Grand Slam walks over to his parked jeep and returns with a big orange plastic missile that’s about the size of a GI Joe baseball bat.

“Hey Larry-Snake Eyes. Bring that butter dish over here. This thing isn’t going anywhere without a little lubrication.”


Anyway, I’ll spare you the rest of the scenario. Things got a little out of hand after the Joes called for backup and Doug-Gung Ho and FabAbs998-Sgt. Bazooka showed up in the FANG (Fully Armed Negator Gyrocopter). But now you know what pic collectors do with your pics. And knowing is half the battle.

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