Originally Posted: 2003-06-13 10:44am
Craig pimped me and burned my pubes
My dating life had a gotten a bit lethargic. A friend told me about Craig's free personals section. I took it slow at first but I got the bug and started meeting weird, random, women for dates. Some were nice enough, but others.....well, one gave me a personal account of the gruesome affliction of lactose intolerance and one brought a switchblade "just in case", WTF!!!! After one particularly painful date I stopped in a bar for a stiff drink to help me shake it off. I ended up hitting it off with a really cute girl. Next day at work I was saying goodbye to CL, deleting it from my "favorites" list. Little did I know the personals were just my gateway drug. It was in that moment of weakness Craig flashed me a gold tooth smile, outstretched his diamond ladened pimp hand and offered me something a little bit harder. I noticed "missed connections". It was glorious, a nebulous clusterfuck of frustrated, winy, undersexed hipsters, bankers, homos, and slackers all splashing about in a pool of pointless social commentary and inane arguments. All "hating" on each other but secretly wishing they had each other’s lives instead. I thought to myself what a total bunch of FUCKWITS!!! I was hooked! I had to order a special gel mouse pad with wrist support; I had to get my refresh button fix! I started posting, then I started trying to push it on my friends. My work productivity plummeted. I was so strung out and reckless, my reflexes were too slow, I couldn't click off one of those stupid "Hating on Asian ladies" posts in time for my female Asian American boss not to see it. It wasn’t enough for Craig to fuck with my mind or even my career, that sadistic bastard then fucked with my PUBES! Tonight I have another date with the girl I met at the bar. I figured, according to all the "Rules of Dating" tonight might be the night. Craig planted the pube shaving seed in my head and all of his minions seemed to whisper, "It's fun, it's sexy! All the cool kids are doin' it! You want to be cool don't you?" On my way home last night I stopped at CVS. I had shaved once before and the bumps hurt so bad I vowed never again. I read the instructions on the waxing kits and knew I'd be too weak. Then I saw the Vanilla Nair Bikini cream. In retrospect, I wish I could say that applying a chemical that burns hair from the skin around your precious genitals sounded like bad idea, but I wanted Big Daddy Craig to love me, I wanted desperately to be his best girl. I will never eat or smell Vanilla again in my lifetime without associating it with horrible burning genital pain. I followed the instructions, but ended up with the flames of hell surrounding what I hate to admit looks like a fat man's chin with a tiny goatee. I have come to the conclusion that people who spread their legs and take up more than one seat on the subway are not inconsiderate but actually just suffering from the pubic hair removal technique "Slash and Burn". Thanks to Craig I will be spending tonight spread eagle on my bed, not with the date that I have cancelled, but alone probably watching a rerun of Law and Order (which I'm sure 40% of CL'ers have auditioned for). I wish I could say I was one of those people who post bitterly about leaving CL and never coming back, but I know I will. I will probably continue until I've hit rock bottom and been fired, but even then I'll log on just to beg for a job and bitch about all the drunk fuckoff CL'ers who don't deserve one. I guess that's what I get for listening to Craig and his bunch of serious FUCKWITS and I now nominate myself BIGGEST FUCKWIT OF ALL!!!