I'm a fairly average New York girl -- by which I mean slightly above average in many ways, but not so much so that I'm all that unusual in New York. Like a lot of women here, I'm reasonably smart, pretty, and thoughtful. I have a decent job, good friends, my own interests. There are a lot of women like me in New York, so while I MIGHT be the only woman in New York who holds these views about casual sex, dating, and nice guys, I doubt it.
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And since I'm basically average, my behavior conforms to fairly average standards. Which means that like most social phenomena, my behavior is affected by my perception of my incentives and disincentives to act, and the laws of supply and demand.
So, guys. The fact that you're a nice guy is not what's keeping me from sleeping with you on the second date. In fact, since I'm fairly emotionally healthy, if you weren't a nice guy I wouldn't sleep with you at all.
No, instead, it's just that it's not worth it after the second date -- nice guy or not. Why not?
1. Because I'm pretty damn sure that sleeping with you -- after the second date -- will not be as sexually satisfying as masturbation. Frankly, I'm not going to be that attracted to you after the second date. Waiting until the fifth date just means that I was attracted enough to you on the second date to keep dating you in hopes that I might be attracted enough to you on the fifth date to get some sexual satisfaction out of sleeping with you. (All date time lines are approximate, of course. Fifth could mean third or seventh, depending on you and me and our chemistry). Believe me, I wish I were as attracted to you on the second date as the fifth. But I'm not. And I wish that that the physiology of sex were such that any stick in any hole would do the job for me. But it won't. So if we make it to five dates, it's because there's some actual chemistry there that builds enough for me to overcome all the other disincentives to sleep with you. What are these other disincentives?
2. The chance that you're a psycho
3. The chance that you have an STD
4. The chance that I'll get pregnant
5. The inevitable awkwardness after sleeping with someone you don't really know that well.
6. The absence of the ego-gratification incentive. It's something of an accomplishment -- albeit a minor one -- for a guy to get laid. Not so for women.
So, Mr. Nice-But-Not-Really guy. The next time you don't get laid on the second date, you should not assume that I want to have a relationship with you, and that I imagine that not sleeping with you is the way to get it. Or that I really WANT to sleep with you, but am stifled by "society's norms." Or -- sillier still -- that I'd be willing to spend three long hours of my life with someone I don't find all that interesting in exchange for a free dinner.
Realize instead that my body is not like your body, and my incentives and disincentives for sex are not like yours. And that if we have so little in common and so little chemistry that there's "no incentive" for you to see me after a second date because I didn't sleep with you -- trust me. It's no loss for either of us. Because realizing this may make you less hostile and bitter, which may in turn make you more attractive and get you laid more often!