i bought condoms from my deliguy for NOTHING,ruining our relationship
we've had sex before, this shouldn’t have been that complicated, but last night was a RIDICULOUS reminder, of why we will never have sex again.
11:30. I’m downtown. you call. where am i? where are you. cool, I’ll call you right back.
12:15. Hey what’s up? nothing. me either. cool, I’ll see you in 15.
I get home, i brush my teeth, i run the razor over my pits, and take a freshening wipe down there-just so i know i smell like all things vanilla and roses. rushing around like a maniac. i even bought condoms from MY DELI GUY!!
great, now he knows I’m a huge skank.
he knows i don't have a boyfriend, and my run in there at 12:30 upon hanging up the phone, frantically, staring up at the condoms mustering the courage to actually ASK FOR THEM....I’m sure, put everything into perspective for him. I’m not a shy girl, but its like asking your DAD for them!!! COME ON!! You only get ONE deli guy where you live!! He didn't even wait for me to ask for them, he reached up and pointed. i nodded. we both blushed. you ruined my relationship with my deli guy. how can i go back there now?
After all the pacing I can do, I’m drunk after all... and it’s inevitable that I’m going to lie down. I start ignoring your calls, because you’re taking too long. Now you text me , saying you’re downstairs. I ignore this too. I wake up, I don’t remember any of this. I call you. You come over anyway. After all, you live around the corner.
I turn off all the lights, not because I’m trying to set a mood-but because they’re already starting to cause permananent bright spots on my brain, and I actually can’t see anything with them ON.
You open my front door before I even get there after buzzing you in. I can tell already this is going to be one of THOSE nights.
We walk into my room. You sway and stumble hey, thanks for knocking that picture frame off the wall and breaking the glass…no! its totally cool, I’ll clean it up later.
-and I thank god the window wasn’t open, or I’d be in the middle of a homicide investigation today, instead of posting about how terrible you were on craigslist. I’d probably have posted anyway, but then felt really bad, since you were dead and all.
You really are rico fucking suave aren’t you?
I’m not sure how many times you’ve had sex, or with how many women, but I’m sure by now, you must have figured out that women need some sort of lubrication, or you won’t be entering.
Thanks for skipping the foreplay-the 2 closed mouth kisses, before your tiny, cold hands pulled my pants down were the hottest thing since the before pictures of my grandma’s stomach tumor.
Now, I’m sure lots of girls will lie back on the bed and pant and moan in some terrible cat like position for you…clawing at the sheets and whispering how wet they are…(though this would be a lie, as there was nothing to make that happen except my hands and the thought of that marine I slept with a few weeks ago) ….while they wait for you to take your shirt off, and pants, and underpants. While you drunkly unbutton, making that terrible grunting noise, and that god awful nose whistle.Oh, I wanted to thank you, for leaving your thick wool dark socks on…god you know how that turn me on.
Wait for you… While you dig in the dark, for a condom. HOWEVER, I wasn’t really amused, and it was kinda awkward. I lied back, like you asked, but then the room started to spin, and I almost drifted off, waiting for you. You’re so considerate to pretend to look for one in the first place…
“I can’t find it, we don’t need one baby you’re so fuckin hot wanna suck my cock yeah you like that dick inside you?”
I’m not even really going to address that, but that IS what came out of your mouth, wheile you stood there in your socks, before you climbed on top of me, causing me to come damn near to a coronary.
nice try, and we both know I’m one for all the dirty talk, but there’s no way I’m letting you anywhere near me without a piece of rubber dividing us. You’re lucky I don’t have a sheet with a hole cut out in it, as you look and smell like you just came from a gang bang tonight.
You complain when I roll out from underneath you to get the condoms I sacrificed my relationship with deli man for-thanks for the highschool pressure of baby we don’t need a condom. It especially turns me on. This is officially the worst sex I’ve had( maybe that’s not true..) but its pretty bad.
I glance over, and you appear to be directing a symphony with your hands. You catch me, and put your hand on your cock. You ask me if I want it between my ‘tities’. In case you didn’t know, that’s the LEAST attractive word I’ve ever head.
You’re making weird gurgling sounds while I open the package, and hand you the condom. You look like you can’t find my hand to take it from me…so I decide if I’m gonna get ANYWHERE tonight I should take matters into my own hands.
i smile and go down on you for a little bit, while your mouth runs off every curse word you’ve ever heard, and you grip my shoulders like you might die at this moment.
I sit up, roll the condom down, and hop on top of you. This is exciting for a minute, until you start twisting my breasts-like you’re kneading dough. Now I’ve overlooked the fact that you skipped all and any form of foreplay, that I had to rub my own clit to get wet-and that you wouldn’t lick my mouth let alone anything else.
You push me off of you. I’m confused. I sit back for a second, I scratch my head. You sit up and yell “Colombus day!!”
I sit up, and contemplate shouting something like “ earth day!” ….hell, I’m a good fuck. Far from uptight in bed and you know it. I’ll play along with whatever stupid shit you’re going through at the moment, so’s not to sacrifice what could be good sex but this is just getting ridiculous.
“YEAH!”……..i wonder why I said that, and you sit up , and say you wanna pound me. Can’t we get a LITTLE more creative with the terminology???
Woo. Fucking. Hoo.
So hot. Oh yeah baby, fuck. Me. Harder.ummmm……is this over yet?
I’m gripping your back, your ass…and working my hips…screaming like my life depends on it, and saying all the good dirty words.
After a good 5 minutes of me putting on my best banshee routine…pounding my fist against the wall, you stop pumping away
“I need to fuck you DOGGIE BABY!!”
anything to get this to come to an end. I oblige, turn around and get ready. I don’t feel anything. I’m still making some noise, so you know I’m alive, and there waiting. I ask if you need me to turn around. No. This is just damn embarrassing. My ass is in the air, and nothing is going on.
I feel you start slapping your limp dick, against my behind, and I ask you again, if you need me to turn around. You’ve gone completely soft. Which leads me to the conclusion, that I was correct in my assumption that the last time we slept together you had taken Viagra, as yes it was great that we went forever, but you couldn’t come, and not even my dirty porn star quality blow job that took 25 minutes could do the trick.
You let go of my left leg you’ve been holding up like a dog at a fire hydrant, and collapse backwards.
i ask if you’re okay because I know you didn’t achieve an orgasm, I know I sure as hell didn’t.
“why didn’t you come?”, you slur.
“…I was waiting for you to come, and now I can’t” I’m sorry its done.
You tell me you’re going to throw up.
And I just wanted to say thanks again, by the way, for NOT throwing up all over my breasts, but if you’d have made it to the bathroom that would have been fantastic. At least it wasn’t on my bed either-the doorway was pefect hunnie, no, don’t feel bad. Your small penis, and your terrible pumping, going soft on me, no oral, no kissing and the fact that I couldn’t even get you to lick a nipple-all led up to the very moment of you throwing up a cheeseburger into the doorway of my living room.
You sit up , and I’m standing there, half trying not to throw up, myself, and half trying not to laugh at this ENTIRE situation.
Thanks neighbor, you say-and you exit swiftly.
Thank god for swiffer wet jets, and those lovely little felt things that get thrown away. Oh, and for my strong stomach.
Thank YOU darling, for a memorable evening, and for a reminder that after a night like this, i won’t ever pick up the phone, when I can’t understand more than 3 words in a sentence, after midnight, from anyone, ever. Not even my mom.