Itís not you, itís me. Really. Now would you just listen? Donít get all pouty on me. Donít go ducking into your little nest where I canít see you. You know that freaks me out. Come out here and look at me when Iím talking to you. Dammit.
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I know weíve been living together for awhile now. OK, actually I didnít know that until yesterday when I discovered your elaborate nest all throughout the mini-blinds. But obviously you are now well-established in my apartment. Unbeknownst to me, weíve shared some good timesÖ Iíll admit it does comfort me to know that when I was rolling on the floor with laughter watching the blooper reel from The Office I was not alone. And all those times I had just a tiny drinkÖ you were there! Surely youíve enjoyed my penchant for pantslessness and I hope you had fun watching me clean house to The Faint. All in all, youíve been a very reasonable housemate and I thank you for that.
But Iím going to have to ask you to leave. I know, I knowÖ this catches you off guard. I know itís a bad time for you, with the outside getting a little chilly at night. Iím sorry, I really am. But this has got to stop. Sure, I looked the other way when your little friends started coming over to stay. But when I would turn on the light in the middle of the night to find them sprawled on my kitchen floorÖ thatís just not cool. Maybe theyíre fine upstanding spiders. Maybe they keep a clean web and donít mean any harm. But I donít know them. What if they start coming into my room at night? Jesus H. I donít even want to think about it. So Iíve had to put my foot down. Not literally. Donít freak out on me, now. You know I wouldnít do that. But Iíve been politely escorting them from the premises. For awhile I almost considered letting you stay. I donít use the room. We could co-exist peaceably Ė as long as you stayed away from my Newcastle. But Iíve got a new roommate moving in and Iím pretty sure sheís not going to want a strange spider living in her room. And believe me, I know the first place youíd head if she kicked you out. Donít even think about it. Iím not that kind of girl.
Argh. You men are all alike. (To be fair, Iím not really sure that youíre a male. But really, in my mind all spiders are maleóeven the ones lugging around the egg sacks. Theyíre just being helpful and taking the kids out to give the mythical female spider some time to herself.) Iíd prefer if we can handle this like two civilized beings. Also, you are extremely large, and Iím not sure I could get you in the tupperware before you escaped into the fortress you have built for yourself. There is long list of things I would rather do than poke around in a spider nest for a huge fucking spider.
I really hope that we can be friends after all this. Honestly. I care about you. (And I donít want you sending your little friends around to harass me.) But friends donít live in my mini-blinds. So please, you know where the door is. JustÖ go.