My cat is a free loader
The cat's now reading over my shoulder... one second please. I think she suspects something.
Okay, so the cat also doesn't seem to care about anything I'm doing. I'll be reading the paper, and she'll plop her cat's ass dead center of the page and look at me as if I've gotten in her way. Or maybe I'm stealing a few moments of silence in the bathroom when all of a sudden there's a furry arm being jammed under the door. Are you kidding me? Give me a minute. You don't even shit in here anyway. Next time you do that I'm going to duct tape your little arm to the linoleum. Maybe you'd let me crap in peace then.
Damnit, she's back. Shhh. She just had to remind me that she's shedding and that I should brush her.
Okay where was I... flies, ass licking, duct taping, brushing, bathroom door banging... Oh yeah, so this cat eats better than I do. I'm too lazy to do the math, but I'd guess that the food I just put in her dish cost more than my lunch today. My lunch didn't even come with gravy, but it was chicken flavored. Discussing my eating habits are for another time though.
Oh jeez... she's staring at me now. Not really at me, but past me at the window behind me. I just know she wants me to think there's something or someone outside the window, but I'm not going to play that game. I will win this grudge match. I'm going to stare back at her 'til she blinks. Apparently that's supposed to be a sign of my dominance. She doesn't play fairly though, because her eyes just got wide and she did a little crouch thing. Maybe there IS someone outside the window behind me. NO, don't think that. She's bluffing. Blink, you damn cat. Ha, she looked away. I win, I win, I win. Play it cool, no need to gloat.
Okay, now that I think about it, I believe my cat is a bully as well. She just fucks with me every chance she gets. This cat must get off knowing that I'm her personal servant and she can throw up on the carpeting or piss over the side of her litter box and I'll have to clean it up. Perhaps it's retribution for cutting her claws off or having her ovaries removed. Whatever it is, I'm no longer a cat owner. I'm the one who's owned.
People used to believe that cats caused insanity. I think they may have been on to something.
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