To the morons I encounter everyday-
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1. To the old lady in line in front of me at Target who smells like cat piss: Please don't pay for $25 worth of shit with a bag of change to only find out you're $2.55 short. Also, don't ask the cashier to re-count it. He already had more patience than I would have to count all those freaking pennies the first time around. How hard is it to go to the bank a block down the road to cash all of that in and pay with cash like normal people? I know they do it, I've seen it.
2. To the people at Rainbow who can't seem to figure out how to use the self checkouts: Jesus H. I've watched 7 year olds do it without any issues. Scan your shit, place it on the scale, and insert money. They even have directions in numerous places on how to use it.
3. The dude who absolutely has to do his scratch offs on the counter when he buys them at the gas station. Is your gambling addiction that bad that you can't get the fuck out of the way and scratch them off? You lose twice if you win and ask for more, while holding up the line even longer.
4. The jackasses at the gas station that just walk in and hand the cashier $20 for gas regardless of the line. Yes I know it is a pain that you have to prepay for gas, but there's a simple concept called a line. Wait your turn.
5. To the fat women who can't control your kids in the grocery store: Control your kids for god's sake. I seriously question your parenting skills when your kids feel the need to chase around the entire store knocking shit off all over the place and running into my legs while you sit there and laugh your fat ass off.
6. To the people who bring their 2 year olds to nice resteraunts: I understand baby-sitters can be expensive and kids can be hard to handle sometimes, but don't bring screaming kids to a nice restrunt and just sit there while they pitch a fit. I would like to be able to finish my steak without rupturing my eardrums. Also, don't give me a shitty look when I give you one. You know you're in the wrong.
7. Related to number 6, the people who bring their kids to rated R movies at 11pm. Myself and the 40 other people in the theater would like to enjoy the movie instead of listening to your kid scream. Take the little shit out of the theater. Why are they there in the first place? Most kids are put to bed before 10pm anyways. Get a babysitter you cheap fuck. And again, don't get all pissy when people tell you to shut your kid up or give you bad looks.
8. To the dude who lives on the other side of my duplex: Quit being a prick. You can do some of the yard work and snow shoveling as well. Also, get your washing machine fixed. It sounds like you're working on a tank in the basement. If you don't wanna get it fixed, at least stop washing your clothes at 5am. The fucking floor shakes. If you continue, I'll start drumming at 2am or blast the loudest, most foul death metal I own until you stop.
The next time you lock me outside, I'll shit in a box and mail it to you. If you hear me go outside (there's no way you can't) and see me in the backyard, don't shut and lock the door.
Please stop telling my friends that I'm not home when they knock on the door. I'm fucking here, or they wouldn't be coming over. It isn't like I can't hear you talking to them before I open my door. I'll tell your pot dealer the next time he knocks that you don't live here anymore.
Stop opening my mail if you accidentally get it. How hard is it to read a label?
Clean out your cat's litter box. I can smell that shit from the hallway. On that thought, what in the hell are you cooking over there? It smells like burnt Indian food.
Quit accusing me of fucking up your computer to our landlord. Do you seriously believe I broke into your side of the house, ran upstairs, turned on your computer, and screwed up all of your passwords all in a period of 2 minutes while you were in the basement? Jesus Christ. Ray Charles could see through that shit. Grow the fuck up, you're like 55.
9. To the pricks who keep trying to break into my garage: Fuck you. There isn't anything of interest in there anyway, unless you want a shovel or a rake. Get a job like normal people. I hope someone shoots you when you break into the wrong garage or house. If you feel the need to steal something out of there, take my neighbors shit. His stuff is on the left side of the garage.
10. To the high schooler douche bags who drive like shit on the highway: Your rice burner looks like shit, at least paint your mod parts when you put them on your shitty car. Please stop riding my ass when I'm already going 85mph, I'll just go slower when you pull that shit. I hope you crash into a retaining wall.
11. To the bible thumpers who harass people outside of metal concerts: Go do something productive, like volunteering at a food shelter. No one there wants to hear you drone on about how we're all going to hell for listening to metal. You're just making normal Christians look bad. I'll steal your bible next time and carve satanic symbols into it.
12. To the fucktards that beat your wives/girlfriends: Its painfully obvious when you're walking around a store with a girl who has 2 black eyes while you yell at her for everything she puts in the cart. You'll get your turn one day.
13. To the group home for slutty teen girls that is across the alley from my house: Stop parking your huge vans in front of my driveway. It takes me 10 minutes to try and back my car out without hitting something. Also, quit blocking the alley with said vans. Other people need to use the fucking road.
14. To the jackasses with large vehicles/SUV's: There is enough room in a parking space to place your vehicle without putting it 2 inches from my door. I'll key your truck the next time I have to crawl into my car from the passenger side.
15. To the people who stop in the middle of the road in front of Target to let your wives/girlfriends into the car. Its a nice thing to do, but if you have 2 carts worth of shit to load up, do it without stopping traffic.
16. To the people who don't understand how 4 way stop signs work: Who the hell taught you how to drive? Don't honk your horn at me when you cut me off and throw me the finger.
17. To the people who get pissed at the cashier when their credit card is rejected: You obviously have finance issues if all 15 of your credit cards get rejected. It isn't the cashier's fault.
18. To the underage girls at the liquor store: Don't get all uppity when the cashier asks for your ID when you try and buy some shitty flavored Vodka. You're obviously not 21. The whole "I forgot my ID, can I just buy it anyway" shtick isn't a new concept. Be more inventive than that, I figured it out. Plus, don't ask me to go back in and buy it for you when you get kicked out. Most people weren’t born yesterday.
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