Best of Craigslist

Best of Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best postings from craigslist.org, selected by readers en-us Copyright 2009, craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best of Craigslist Collection 2009-04-05T10:24:55-07:00 2 daily Thank you, employers! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lvg/1108182666.html Dear employers with job openings, I just want to take a moment or two to thank all the companies that now only use online applications for the jobs for which I am best qualified. I'm so happy to know that in the past eight years, you have dropped the very impersonal practice of requesting well written resumes (which took the place of having me come into your place of business in person and fill out an application by hand) and now for convenience, give me the opportunity to waste my fucking time trying to guess what it is you want me to write in your online application fields in eight words or less, what work I've done that will make you call me for an interview. Because of this new-found simple-mindedness of yours, I can guarantee that you will have the weakest, most uninteresting, unmotivated new-hires EVER! Because I have had to have more than three jobs in the past eight years, at which I have excelled, some of which I was laid-off from due to down-sizing, and most of which are your competitors in the marketplace, you will never know what I have done because you only allow three previous employers in your simple, automated application program or only want experience from the past five years. Because I have always been capable of doing more than one thing at a time, you will never know that as a free-lance writer/costume designer/photographer, what I have done Monday through Friday to support myself quite well, thank you, is to be the most efficient, bright, hard-working, easy-going, intelligent and dependable administrative assistant an employer could wish for. But you will never know that because your measly-ass job application program is only looking for words your witless HR staff has programmed it to look for and then spitting out applications by people like myself with a form email thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck. Thank you also for the Myers-Briggs psychometric type test to see if I actually would be able to sit next to another person and not drive them crazy. Thank you for sparing me the waste of my time outshining most of your other staff in their presence by having me come in to your office in person, dressed to the nines, flashing my intensely alert eyes at you, and shaking your hand with confidence, yet sensitively. You wouldn't hire me anyway because I'm probably more interesting than you and therefore a threat. You have saved me from the humiliation of taking a position with a company that probably has the dullest, most unadventurous, most boring staff that has been hired through this elimination process of an online application to which you have given ultimate authority to decide, only by the selection of some dozen or so "key" words, to interview. And we wonder why there are banks going under, businesses making toxic loans, stock market losses, medical errors, corruption, Bernie Madoffs in the world, and police who can't allow a family to be with their dying mother so he can write a ticket. Yours very truly, The one that got away <ul> <li> Location: The internets <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-05T10:24:55-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lvg/1108182666.html Thank you, employers! text I NEED INFO ON THIS PEEPING TOM!!! BEWARE!! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lvg/944824067.html I NEED HELP IDENTIFYING AND APREHENDING THIS MAN I HAVE CHASED HIM OFF MY PROPERTY 3 TIMES IN THE LAST WEEK HE WAS TAKING A SHIT IN MY BUSHES ONCE AND ALSO SAW MY WIFE IN HER UNDERPANTS IF YOU HAVE ANY INFO PLEASE CONTACT ME AT ONCE THANKS <center> <img src="http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r273/mrandrewh/CIMG1700.jpg"> <img src="http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r273/mrandrewh/CIMG1696.jpg"> <img src="http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r273/mrandrewh/CIMG1698.jpg"> </center> <ul> <li> Location: EAST SIDE <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-12-04T10:05:58-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lvg/944824067.html I NEED INFO ON THIS PEEPING TOM!!! BEWARE!! text Dear Potential Roommates... http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lvg/533118328.html Dear Potential Roommates... Even though I have the room to rent in my house I don't desperately need the extra rent money to make ends meet. Because of this I think I can be somewhat selective when choosing someone to share my place. Unfortunately, I haven't found a decent ad worth contacting for some time now. For it seems that the Las Vegas "Housing Wanted" ads are very unrealistic and more disheartening than ever. I'd like to point out a few gripes that I, as your potential roommate and landlord, would like to bring up about the ads you've placed. • Rent including utilities for $400 and under per month? Pffft! This is my biggest beef. Yes, we all love a bargain but this is ridiculous. I understand that your basis for what rent and utilities might cost is still based on your hometown of Buttfuck, KY's cost-of-living chart. This is not Buttfuck, KY. It's Las Vegas, NV and it costs a nice sum to live here comfortably without having to live in the ghetto or with 10 other roommates. Did you know that the cost of electricity has risen over 60% since 2000? 60%! It's not uncommon for a summertime power bill to be well over $250 or more no matter how hard you try to conserve. On top of that, you also have to worry about water (a scarce commodity here), gas, cable, trash, sewer, etc. That shit adds up. Welcome to Las Vegas. Taking this gripe down a different avenue, I'd like to pimp slap you cheap, $400-and-under schmoes who think nothing of being overly picky. You want to live in Summerlin or, better yet, a penthouse on The Strip. You demand access to a heated pool, gym, free wi-fi, once a week maid service, will not accept anything less than a whole hog HBO/Showtime digital package, and will not live anywhere that doesn't have a water softening system because you tend to suffer from dry skin. Yet, you are only willing to pay $400 and not one penny more! Oh yeah, you also MUST have a place on a busline because you don't have a car. It sucks that Mom and Dad kicked you out of the basement, but this is real life. Let me be the first to tell you that you will never have it as good again. • You'd like a "pet friendly" place because you have 4 dogs, 3 cats, a bird, rabbit, and a snake I love animals dearly. I even have a dog myself . But you, potential roommate, have a flippin' farm. I see you post over and over with more pleading intensity with every post looking for something "pet friendly". Did you know that most city ordinances have limits on the number of animals allowed per household? For the City of Las Vegas, it's 3. Not 3 of each species, 3 total combined number of animals. Hey, I don't make the rules here but they are a good guideline for us all. Next time, you should think twice before you adopt another passenger for your ark. Noah had an excuse for all his beasts but at least he owned the damn ship, he didn't rent it. For those that only have a cat or two, I've considered emailing you about my vacant room. Then I envision my dog eating your cat(s) - OOPS!, remember how much I hate the smell of cat piss and I stop typing. • Roommate with "benefits", nudists, swingers, etc. I believe in honesty and thanks for being open about your lifestyle choices. I appreciate it. But frankly, the thought of someone running around the house naked, save for my out-of-town boyfriend or Hugh Jackman, makes me cringe. Besides, I have a light colored couch and the thought of a nudist's butthole and/or ballsac rubbing on the cushions makes me gag. Hugh Jackman's butthole/ballsac is perfectly ok though. • People who need no/low security deposit, no credit check, no questions asked Hell no to all of the above. I also refuse to take food stamps or trade for used merchandise in lieu of rent. Either save up for that stuff and/or tell yourself "Now's not a good time to move". • 420 Friendlies I'm a pretty easy going person and I don't condemn those who choose to puff the herb but I certainly don't call myself "420 friendly". I'm more of an acquaintance of 420. I'd recognize it at a party or something but we don't go grab dinner together or know each other's last names. With that said, I don't feel comfortable inviting 420 to my house. Yeah, I know you two will just hole up in your room and not bother anyone all night. Fact is, 420 smells funny and I like that my house smells like Pier 1 candles and a eucalyptus Christmas wreath. You're welcome to go to my neighbor's house when 420 is a welcomed and esteemed guest. If you do bring 420 over, it will disappear and suddenly I will have Christmas gifts for all of my stoner friends. • Those who need a hand-up or want to exchange services for rent Giving feels good. I donate to Opportunity Village when I can, shop at charity stores by choice, I even have part of my weekly paycheck syphoned off for United Way. While I feel deeply saddened that you've fallen on hard times, I can only give you advice. When it comes to CL, hard luck stories are a red flag unless you're a fat girl looking for a fuck buddy. Your requests become downright cringe-worthy when you throw the prayers to varying religious icons in there. Since you have access to a computer (maybe even own the damn computer itself!) AND have a cell phone where you can be contacted I can safely assume that you're not doing as bad off as you think. Be thankful and think "Hey! Things could be worse" and then stop posting or get a little better at faking near-poverty. • The lack of details guy/girl Your ad is this short. You might put a phone number. You might not. I might respond. Or I might not. Bottom line is I guess I really can't complain since CL is free and you really do get what you pay for.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: Las Vegas <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-01-08T21:15:47-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lvg/533118328.html Dear Potential Roommates... text DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS: http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lvg/440674102.html Ø 40-ish..................................49. Ø Adventurous..........................Slept with everyone. Ø Athletic................................No breasts. Ø Average looking.....................Moooo. Ø Beautiful..............................Pathological liar. Ø Emotionally Secure..................On medication. Ø Feminist...............................Fat. Ø Free Spirit.................................Junkie. Ø Friendship first.......................Former Slut. Ø New-Age.........................Body hair in the wrong places. Ø Old-fashioned........................No B.J.'s Ø Open-minded.........................Desperate. Ø Outgoing..............................Loud and embarrassing. Ø Professional................. ..........Bitch. Ø Voluptuous...........................Very fat. Ø Large frame...........................Hugely fat. Ø Wants soul mate.....................Stalker. <img src=440674102.jpg>  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: LV <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-10-05T06:18:50-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lvg/440674102.html DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS: text Anal Sex: If she doesn't like it, you're not doing it right. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lvg/114790692.html Oh come on! Can you really be that stupid to think that you can "sneak" something up her ass? Of course, she was obviously just as clueless about it as you if you were "sobbing yourself to sleep" after she tried her vibrator on you. Clumsiness is unbecoming in a lover, so if you want to be coming in your lover, you'd better know what you're doing. I have *never* met a woman who didn't like it up the butt. Perhaps not at first because of misconceptions about it or the failures of inadequate former lovers, but when they were finally with someone who knew what he was doing back there, they learned why pleasuring the 100,000+ nerve endings in the backdoor can be more fun than the 20,000 in the front. Besides, it adds a "dirty/naughty/nasty little slut" feeling that you can't achieve vaginally. I can't tell you how many times I've heard "bbb...b..bbut I'm not supposed to like anything THERE!" as she's bucking around so much with a finger up her bottom (and sometimes one tickling her G-spot in the front, too) that I can barely keep her clit in my mouth. I didn't mean to spend this much time on what was originally going to be a smart-assed reply, but if I'm anything, it's thorough, so here's my newly created... <center>Guidelines for Anyone Thinking About Shoving Anything Up Anyone Else's Butt in a Safe and Pleasurable Manner (written for the male, but applicable to everyone of legal age. All quotations are real and I've heard them numerous times. I've tried to be an Equal Opportunity Offender and tittilate with this article, so you'll find some man-bashing and some locker room jokes interspersed throughout.)</center> <ol> <li> I'll say this on her behalf, "Do a LITTLE fucking research before you attempt any Anal Plundering & Pillaging, moron!" Most women won't say that, so I will say it for them. Read that again. If you're truly interested in butt sex, then read about it. Learn about it. Get to know it. Watching some coked up, uncle molested bleach blond whore in "Country Anal Angels 5: The Poop Scootin' Boogie" doesn't fucking count, jackass. If you can't be bothered to read and learn about the...(well, I don't wanna, but I'll just say it) "ins and outs" of anal intercourse, don't even bother mentioning it to her. If you can know the all the stats of that damned football team dating back to SuperBowl I or know how to properly set the timing on your engine, then you can damned well take the time to learn how to fuck your woman properly in the ass. <li> Treat her bunghole better than the way you'd want yours treated. Would you like the doctor to shove a half lubed, half bone dry tube up your brown eyed wonder winky? No??? Well, neither would she. <li> Proooceeeeeeed slooooooowlllly at first. Start with something small like a little dildo (see note below), small buttplug, your finger (gloved or ungloved) with enough lube to make it easy going, then about 10% more. Have her relax. Start by tickling her sphincter, not just ramming it straight in like it's some sort of new Downhill Race to My Knuckle on the X-Games. Tickle it, swirl around it, suck her clitty simultaneously. Make use of those nerve endings and use them to your advantage. Give her some butt-foreplay and pretty soon it will start feeling "empty...lonely" and "needing something" in it. Then go in a little further and take your time while you're doing it. Slowly continue the circles and it won't be long until she "needs more". <li>Lather, rinse, repeat. (well, OK, don't "rinse") Get her to enjoy two or three fingers before you try plowing her virgin garden with the mighty manly sausage o' love. Your fingers have the advantage of being "incremental". Two fingers is only slightly more than one which is only slightly more than none. Your cock isn't. It goes from nothing to something with very little transition. That's useful later, but not to an anal virgin. <li> You're lubing an asshole, not packing your wheel bearings. Would you like to walk around with a greasy, Vaselined crack for two days because of ten minutes of pleasure? Neither will she. You don't have to use some petroleum based grease to get in there initially. Of course, that may not apply to extended anal sessions later. You don't even have to use some special anal lube. Waterbased lubes clean up with soap and water. Use 'em! Brands like Wet and (our favorite) Liquid Silk are fantastic anal lubes. Keep it handy, though. Her butt isn't "self basting" (sorry, it's November) like her vagina is. If you sense things drying up, take the upper hand and squirt a little more on, you moron. (sidenote: Be sure you don't leave anything labeled "Anal Lube" or "Ass Grease" on the table when someone's taking a digital picture of you.) <li>DANGEROUS ROAD AHEAD - PROCEED WITH CAUTION So you finally have the chance to put your cock/favorite dildo/buttplug where all that sunshine comes out. <ul> <li>Lube that thing. Use a condom if you aren't disease free and mutually SEXclusive. <li>Take it slowly. Remember the transition period that the head of your cock does not provide. <li>Let her "adjust" to to fullness of it. <li>Take your friction on the "out" When you're finally in, don't start fucking it like a cunt. <li>Don't let her hole slam shut. Don't pull all the way out then slam it back in, even if she likes that in her pussy. "Why?" you ask, because her asshole isn't her pussy. (Chances are that you are her asshole, but I digress.) There isn't a rubber band constantly trying to close the entrance to her vagina to keep things out, (the proper term for that is a "wedding band", HAH!) so you have to treat it differently. While you can do this later when you're both a lot more experienced anally, don't do it now. </ul> <li>Positions <ul> <li>Doggie style first. Enjoy seeing her butt and back for awhile. Get to know what you're doing before you try... <li>Missionary - Yes, it's possible to fuck a woman in the ass and see the expression on her face when she cums. <li>Sideways, slantways, crossways - aka, the Wonkavator - if she really wants it deep, turn her on her side and put one of her legs in the air. Then just lean forwards. <li>Double Penetration - Yes, your woman can be a girl of "double penetration", too. Just try not to cum from the vibrator in her pussy, 'cause then you'd be gay. :-) <ul> <li>Digital DP - A subset of the above is fingering both holes while you're licking her clitty. Just keep track of which ones go where. (sidenote: this is an amazing way to warm your hand.) aka "The Clamshucker": two in the pink, two in the stink. </ul> <li>Turnabout's Fair Play- Yup, it is. Don't expect her to submit to your filhty perversions, you bastard, if you won't let her do it to you. You may/probably will end up liking it since you have just as many nerve endings there as does she. You're not gay until you're cooling off with a Zima after installing the tracklighting for your buddy "Steve". </ul> <li>Don't be rude! Few and far between are the women who can come 100% from anal stimulation (unlike you....YES YOU. If you still have your prostate, you could actually be forced to ejaculate by rubbing it with a finger.) Don't be a dick and make her masturbate herself. Give her the ultimate gift*: a reach-around and do it for her. * "ultimate" as far as I don't know a better gift to give while your penis is in their rectum. Speaking of being a Gentleman ButtFucker, a warm washcloth, wiped gently front to back first, then only around and towards the anal area, is usually appreciated after you've just slammed your salami into her hieney for a half hour. <li>DANGER, WILL ROBINSON! - Be sure to listen to her when she cums. The window of opportunity for you may be closing if it's her final, rip roaring orgasm, so be prepared. Hell, by that point, most men have been thinking about Harry Carry singing "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" for awhile. <li> Don't do anything that could cause a trip to the hospital. This includes fucking with dildos that could be lost (there's a reason why buttplugs have that base), anything made out of regular glass (Pyrex and borosilicate glass dildos excluded, light bulbs definitely INCLUDED), or anything that could be pinched in two by an orgasmic anus. There's nothing that will bring a woman back down to earth with a rock solid THUD than realizing that you only have half of that 1/4 pound weiner from Costco in your hand. By the way, did you know that some candles melt at body temperature and that some colored candles from overseas use lead in the color coat? Things that can cause a trip to the hospital also includes... Hole Jumping - In short, there's a reason why poop comes out where it does. All of the flora and fauna in our bodies have specific purposes and they shouldn't mix. Well, the truth is that they can mix, but in one direction only: pussy -> butt. (No one I know has ever had any trouble with it, but I'm not a doctor. (I do, however, play one in the bedroom.)) After something comes out of her butt, absolutely under no circumstances should it go anywhere but to the sink to be washed or to a "staging towel", but you know what I mean. This goes for your dick, too. Don't be rubbing it anywhere. If she has go to her doctor because of an infection, the doctor will know that it's all because of her asshole...the one she used to date. What about YOU, though? What about YOUR NEEDS? - Well, if you do get a little dirty, then good. it's an asshole, you idiot. At least you're not going to get her pregnant, just take a shower and use some antibacterial soap. Oh, and grow some nuts if you're going to be pussy about it. Speaking of... <li>But, there's poop in there! You know what? There probably is. What are you, afraid of it? You only have to worry about there not being any poop in her rectum because you're not that fucking big, Mr. Holmes. If company's coming over, you clean house, right? Do the same here. If either of you are concerned about getting "shit dick", check with a finger first. Besides, she really won't want you pushing a turd back inside with your manhood any more than you want to do it, so clean house with a bulb full of water from an enema syringe, postpone the anal play, or put on a ribbed condom for better traction in the mud.. (Speaking of the E-word, you don't really want to do a whole bag nor a Fleet disposable. Chances are that, unless you're playing with an klismaphiliac, she won't be that into..well, going to those depths and chances are even better that she won't get all of the water out, anyway. A Fleet disposable enema works not by squirting water up there, but by using a highly salted solution that draws water out of her body and into her colon to increase the mass and cause an evacuation. That's definitely not the way to avoid shit dick. Of course, if you're into the whole medical scene thing, then good for you!) I apologize for using the term "shit dick", but I'm simply giggling too much over it to change it. :-) So, there you have it. What I learned from reading all of those sex (and medical) manuals when I was a teenager and from hundreds of times actually fucking women in the ass. Is this the be all, end all of anal sex? No, but if you violate one of the guidelines, you run the risk of removing the word "Pleasurable" from in front of "Manner", and that could get you in....oh, geez, well I gotta say it...in deep doo-doo. submitted to Craigslist, November 30, 2005 by a man whose wonderful wife doesn't wonder if she will cum when we have sex, but "how many times until he lets me stop". </ol> webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-11-30T10:53:45-08:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lvg/114790692.html Anal Sex: If she doesn't like it, you're not doing it right. text Identifying Sluts http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lvg/93704641.html For some strange reason, men like to insult women by calling them sluts. This is a horribly ill-advised policy; by making sluttiness something shameful, all sorts of libido-blazing women are refraining from casual sexual encounters with strangers. And we wouldn’t want that, would we? So knock it off guys—the next would-be slut you mock might keep her knees clenched at the next office party when I hit on her. Stop ruining it for the rest of us! Now that we’ve settled slut-bashing, let’s move on to slut-evaluation. We all know that sluts are a lot of fun… but how do you identify the slut from the prude or the cock-tease? At nightclubs and pickup bars, a guy could throw hundreds of dollars down the crapper by buying flowers and drinks for a prude and get nowhere—but just one shot of tequila could induce a slut to strip naked and hop into the backseat of your 1979 Trans Am. Quickly identifying sluts is not only desirable; it’s financially essential—particularly in today’s troubled economic times. An inaccurate diagnostic evaluation of slutdom costs time and money. Fortunately for you able-bodied blokes out there, the research wing of the Last Story media empire has devoted a great deal of our resources to studying the intricacies of slutdom. And we’ve developed some quick hit-lists that can help guys (and gals, who might be bi or gay) spot a slut almost immediately. Simply print out the bottom half of this article and carry it with you the next time you’re at a nightclub—and consult as needed. Slut Hint One: Watch the Eyes, Not the Clothes It’s a well know fact that sluts wear tight, skimpy outfits. Unfortunately, so do virginal cock-teases. So rather than flocking to the shortest skirt in the nightclub, it’s crucial to examine the eyes of each woman—even when that means you must stop staring at her tits for half-a-second. A virginal cock-tease will watch your mouth when you talk, listening to each word and hoping to make witty, flirtatious comments. A true slut won’t hang on every syllable coming out of your mouth. She will, however, stare at your eyes, your arms and your… ahem, other parts. Slut Hint Two: Watch the Bar, Not the Dance Floor Chics that go to church every Sunday, wear white cotton panties, and wouldn’t DARE kiss on the first date will dash over to the dance floor and gyrate in a decidedly sexual nature. Folks, this is nothing but a façade—a vicious attempt to mimic sluthood. True sluts aren’t dancing in the middle of a nightclub with their female friends! They’re hanging out by the bar, sucking down booze, and enjoying male attention. The only dancing most sluts do is when they waltz down to the clinic to wipe out a pesky case of V.D. Slut Hint Three: Watch the Guys, Not the Girls Do you see four or more girls dancing and chatting amongst themselves? Well, leave ‘em alone! There’s not a slut in that group. Most women don’t like sluts and shun them from inclusion. Guys, on the other hand, dig sluts and will happily accompany ‘em out on the town. If you see one girl talking to three or more guys, there’s a fairly good chance she’s a slut. ‘Course, there’s also a fairly good chance she’s the girlfriend of one of those guys, so tread carefully, lest your face get punched. Slut Hint Four: Watch the Lips, Not the Eyes Good girls treat their face like it’s a work of art. And eyes, described by effeminate poets as “windows to our souls” get special attention. Sluts might apply a dash of eyeliner but generally pay much more attention to their lips. Do you know why? Lips are primary sexual features; eyes are secondary. In fact, lipstick was first used by prostitutes during the era of the Roman Empire in an effort to make their mouths look like vaginas. Bright red lips at a nightclub should definitely get your Spidey Sense tingling. Slut Hint Five: Watch the Arguments, Not the Tranquility When goody-goodies converge, there’s usually tranquility. Everyone giggles and makes catty comments in a happy little clique—without a care in the world! But when a slut enters their sheltered little existence, all sorts of fireworks ignite. Goody-goodies and sluts cannot coexist in harmony; sluts view goody-goodies as naïve and spoiled while goody-goodies view sluts as boyfriend-stealers and immoral harlots. If you ever see two or more women arguing in a nightclub, chances are one of them is a slut. Slut Hint Six: Watch the Piercings, Not the Makeup It’s an unfortunate fact that goody-goodies and cock-teases plaster on as much makeup as many sluts. So how can you identify the different groups? Body piercings! Particularly any piercings of the tongue. Folks, do you know why women (and men) get studs drilled into their tongues? It’s to enhance fellatio. The feel of the cold metal stud on your penis increases the pleasure derived from oral sex. And this spells slutdom more than anything: Any woman willing to mutilate her body in the hopes of marginally enhancing the sexual pleasure of her partner is 99% likely to be a harcore slut. Nipple rings and clitoral piercings are also indicative of sluttiness… but by the time you’re in a position to see a nipple or clit ring, chances are you’ve already figured out she’s a slut. Slut Hint Seven: Watch the Smoke, Not the Good Breath Maybe it’s because of an oral fixation. Or maybe it’s because sluts are prone to high risk behavior. Either way, a higher percentage of sluts smoke than babes in the general population. If you see a chic with bright red lips, a shot of whiskey, and a tongue ring sucking on a Marlboro 100s, there’s a pretty good chance that she’s a slut. Slut Hint Eight: Watch the Ink, Not the Flesh Tattoos have gone mainstream; even Yuppie bankers are getting aboriginal art etched on their bodies. But still—a tattoo can be a key indicator of sluttiness. Particularly if it’s located along a rather tantalizing part of the anatomy. I know what you’re thinking: “Well, if she has a yin-yang tattooed on her ass cheek, how am I gonna find out about it at the nightclub?” Relax! Sluts are proud of all their bodily modifications. If you ask a slut if she has a tattoo, not only will she answer honestly—she’ll probably offer to show it to you. Sluts aren’t shy. Slut Hint Nine: Watch the Tips, Not the Jiggle A common rookie mistake when slut-watching is to stare like a pervert in need of Ritalin at any chic who walks by in a low-cut top that bares some cleavage. Remember: Cleavage alone does not mean slutdom! A good number of Preacher’s daughters and Young Republicans enjoy hitting the nightclubs, jiggling some cleavage, and teasing the boys. The true test of wanton sluthood lies a few inches below her cleavage. Sluts, you see, enjoy sex and lack sufficient moral fiber to turn down a romp in the sheets. The thought of sex excites them. So their nipples get hard! Sometimes their nipples get so hard, they can even be seen through a flannel shirt and a winter coat. If her two “girls” point at you—and you’re not located atop an Alaskan balcony—you’ve got a shot at pointing something of your back at her own later that night. Slut Hint Ten: Watch the Hands, Not the T&A I know, I know: When a woman walks by in a miniskirt and a tight blouse, your first instinct is to stare at her tits. And then, as she walks away, your second instinct is to stare at her ass. Refrain from these impulses, young Grasshopper! Since miniskirts and tight blouses are also wildly popular with prudes and cock-teases, they cannot be considered reliable indicators of slutdom. In fact, big breasts and a shapely ass are traits shared equally between sluts and nonsluts alike. So what’s a man to do? Check out her hands! Whenever a male chats with a prude, the prude tends to keep her hands by her side. But whenever a male saddle-up to a slut, her hands suddenly become nomadic wanderers of the African Sahara. It’s almost as if she can’t stop touching your arm and your chest while talking to you! This makes sense; people who like sex enjoy physical contact. And really, this might be the most telling indicator of slutdom: A chic with tattoos, cigarettes, red lips, a bellybutton ring, and a shot of whiskey who keeps her hands by her hips while conversing with a stranger is probably a SLUT POSER. But a babe who can’t stop touching you while yakking—even if she’s not wearing any makeup and her highlights aren’t on—just might be a slut. Either way, you should definitely offer to buy her a drink. Cheers webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-08-27T02:10:10-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/lvg/93704641.html Identifying Sluts text