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Originally Posted: 2005-08-27 2:10am

Identifying Sluts

For some strange reason, men like to insult women by calling them sluts. This is a horribly ill-advised policy; by making sluttiness something shameful, all sorts of libido-blazing women are refraining from casual sexual encounters with strangers. And we wouldn’t want that, would we? So knock it off guys—the next would-be slut you mock might keep her knees clenched at the next office party when I hit on her. Stop ruining it for the rest of us!

Now that we’ve settled slut-bashing, let’s move on to slut-evaluation. We all know that sluts are a lot of fun… but how do you identify the slut from the prude or the cock-tease? At nightclubs and pickup bars, a guy could throw hundreds of dollars down the crapper by buying flowers and drinks for a prude and get nowhere—but just one shot of tequila could induce a slut to strip naked and hop into the backseat of your 1979 Trans Am. Quickly identifying sluts is not only desirable; it’s financially essential—particularly in today’s troubled economic times. An inaccurate diagnostic evaluation of slutdom costs time and money.

Fortunately for you able-bodied blokes out there, the research wing of the Last Story media empire has devoted a great deal of our resources to studying the intricacies of slutdom. And we’ve developed some quick hit-lists that can help guys (and gals, who might be bi or gay) spot a slut almost immediately. Simply print out the bottom half of this article and carry it with you the next time you’re at a nightclub—and consult as needed.

Slut Hint One: Watch the Eyes, Not the Clothes

It’s a well know fact that sluts wear tight, skimpy outfits. Unfortunately, so do virginal cock-teases. So rather than flocking to the shortest skirt in the nightclub, it’s crucial to examine the eyes of each woman—even when that means you must stop staring at her tits for half-a-second. A virginal cock-tease will watch your mouth when you talk, listening to each word and hoping to make witty, flirtatious comments. A true slut won’t hang on every syllable coming out of your mouth. She will, however, stare at your eyes, your arms and your… ahem, other parts.

Slut Hint Two: Watch the Bar, Not the Dance Floor

Chics that go to church every Sunday, wear white cotton panties, and wouldn’t DARE kiss on the first date will dash over to the dance floor and gyrate in a decidedly sexual nature. Folks, this is nothing but a façade—a vicious attempt to mimic sluthood. True sluts aren’t dancing in the middle of a nightclub with their female friends! They’re hanging out by the bar, sucking down booze, and enjoying male attention. The only dancing most sluts do is when they waltz down to the clinic to wipe out a pesky case of V.D.

Slut Hint Three: Watch the Guys, Not the Girls

Do you see four or more girls dancing and chatting amongst themselves? Well, leave ‘em alone! There’s not a slut in that group. Most women don’t like sluts and shun them from inclusion. Guys, on the other hand, dig sluts and will happily accompany ‘em out on the town. If you see one girl talking to three or more guys, there’s a fairly good chance she’s a slut. ‘Course, there’s also a fairly good chance she’s the girlfriend of one of those guys, so tread carefully, lest your face get punched.

Slut Hint Four: Watch the Lips, Not the Eyes

Good girls treat their face like it’s a work of art. And eyes, described by effeminate poets as “windows to our souls” get special attention. Sluts might apply a dash of eyeliner but generally pay much more attention to their lips. Do you know why? Lips are primary sexual features; eyes are secondary. In fact, lipstick was first used by prostitutes during the era of the Roman Empire in an effort to make their mouths look like vaginas. Bright red lips at a nightclub should definitely get your Spidey Sense tingling.

Slut Hint Five: Watch the Arguments, Not the Tranquility

When goody-goodies converge, there’s usually tranquility. Everyone giggles and makes catty comments in a happy little clique—without a care in the world! But when a slut enters their sheltered little existence, all sorts of fireworks ignite. Goody-goodies and sluts cannot coexist in harmony; sluts view goody-goodies as naïve and spoiled while goody-goodies view sluts as boyfriend-stealers and immoral harlots. If you ever see two or more women arguing in a nightclub, chances are one of them is a slut.

Slut Hint Six: Watch the Piercings, Not the Makeup

It’s an unfortunate fact that goody-goodies and cock-teases plaster on as much makeup as many sluts. So how can you identify the different groups? Body piercings! Particularly any piercings of the tongue. Folks, do you know why women (and men) get studs drilled into their tongues? It’s to enhance fellatio. The feel of the cold metal stud on your penis increases the pleasure derived from oral sex. And this spells slutdom more than anything: Any woman willing to mutilate her body in the hopes of marginally enhancing the sexual pleasure of her partner is 99% likely to be a harcore slut. Nipple rings and clitoral piercings are also indicative of sluttiness… but by the time you’re in a position to see a nipple or clit ring, chances are you’ve already figured out she’s a slut.

Slut Hint Seven: Watch the Smoke, Not the Good Breath

Maybe it’s because of an oral fixation. Or maybe it’s because sluts are prone to high risk behavior. Either way, a higher percentage of sluts smoke than babes in the general population. If you see a chic with bright red lips, a shot of whiskey, and a tongue ring sucking on a Marlboro 100s, there’s a pretty good chance that she’s a slut.

Slut Hint Eight: Watch the Ink, Not the Flesh

Tattoos have gone mainstream; even Yuppie bankers are getting aboriginal art etched on their bodies. But still—a tattoo can be a key indicator of sluttiness. Particularly if it’s located along a rather tantalizing part of the anatomy. I know what you’re thinking: “Well, if she has a yin-yang tattooed on her ass cheek, how am I gonna find out about it at the nightclub?” Relax! Sluts are proud of all their bodily modifications. If you ask a slut if she has a tattoo, not only will she answer honestly—she’ll probably offer to show it to you. Sluts aren’t shy.

Slut Hint Nine: Watch the Tips, Not the Jiggle

A common rookie mistake when slut-watching is to stare like a pervert in need of Ritalin at any chic who walks by in a low-cut top that bares some cleavage. Remember: Cleavage alone does not mean slutdom! A good number of Preacher’s daughters and Young Republicans enjoy hitting the nightclubs, jiggling some cleavage, and teasing the boys. The true test of wanton sluthood lies a few inches below her cleavage. Sluts, you see, enjoy sex and lack sufficient moral fiber to turn down a romp in the sheets. The thought of sex excites them. So their nipples get hard! Sometimes their nipples get so hard, they can even be seen through a flannel shirt and a winter coat. If her two “girls” point at you—and you’re not located atop an Alaskan balcony—you’ve got a shot at pointing something of your back at her own later that night.

Slut Hint Ten: Watch the Hands, Not the T&A

I know, I know: When a woman walks by in a miniskirt and a tight blouse, your first instinct is to stare at her tits. And then, as she walks away, your second instinct is to stare at her ass. Refrain from these impulses, young Grasshopper! Since miniskirts and tight blouses are also wildly popular with prudes and cock-teases, they cannot be considered reliable indicators of slutdom. In fact, big breasts and a shapely ass are traits shared equally between sluts and nonsluts alike. So what’s a man to do? Check out her hands! Whenever a male chats with a prude, the prude tends to keep her hands by her side. But whenever a male saddle-up to a slut, her hands suddenly become nomadic wanderers of the African Sahara. It’s almost as if she can’t stop touching your arm and your chest while talking to you! This makes sense; people who like sex enjoy physical contact. And really, this might be the most telling indicator of slutdom: A chic with tattoos, cigarettes, red lips, a bellybutton ring, and a shot of whiskey who keeps her hands by her hips while conversing with a stranger is probably a SLUT POSER. But a babe who can’t stop touching you while yakking—even if she’s not wearing any makeup and her highlights aren’t on—just might be a slut. Either way, you should definitely offer to buy her a drink.

Cheers

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