Best of Craigslist

Best of Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best postings from craigslist.org, selected by readers en-us Copyright 2009, craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best of Craigslist Collection 2009-02-23T17:15:31+00:00 2 daily Need Someone to Turn Me Into Furniture http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ldn/1046885222.html I am a submissive white male living in london looking for a female, or couple, of artists who would like the challenge of designing human furniture which is comfortable for the user while objcetifying for the person being used. I would be in the role of furniture model, and could be a footrest, table, chair, etc. I would pay 200 Pounds an hour for this, and am looking for a female or couple which have a dominant personality. There is no nudity or sex involved whatsoever <ul> <li> Location: London <li> Compensation: 200 pounds an hour <li> This is a part-time job. <li>OK for recruiters to contact this job poster. <li>Please, no phone calls about this job! <li>Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-02-23T17:15:31+00:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ldn/1046885222.html Need Someone to Turn Me Into Furniture text Re: Facesitter - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ldn/1017252093.html You are fucking kidding, right? Just so I've got this straight; you want me to lick your pussy for hours and pay you for it?? I'll tell you what.... instead, why not pop round to my flat, worship my feet, suck my cock, make me cum and swallow the lot, then make me dinner, tidy my flat, wash up and do my ironing while I play Gran Tourismo (don't worry - I'll lift my feet up so you can hoover round me). And then you can leave the cash on the table on your way out. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-02-02T13:01:41+00:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ldn/1017252093.html Re: Facesitter - w4m text Wife http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ldn/948537354.html London based entrepreneur, 41 is seeking a person of at least graduate calibre, highly motivated and with a strong desire to be successful in whatever they do, for a challenging position of long term partner/wife. The successful candidate will have a proven track record of handling a wide variety of situations and challenges, good organisational skills, common sense and personal initiative while being able to teamwork. Excellent personal manner, creativity and artistic approach are important and for the right person the job will be a varied, exciting and challenging position. Operating from the stylish premises in North London in a fun and supportive atmosphere, you'll deal with high-priority tasks and use proactive methods in managing overall workload. Specific duties include, but not limited to: • Creating and maintaining positive atmosphere in the immediate environment • Coordinating meeting food/catering requests • Anticipating and planing for upcoming needs • Child bearing and upbringing • Maintaining stylish looks of herself and the immediate surroundings No ironing skills are required for this position. The compensation is negotiable. This is a permanent position following a period of probation. You'd need • To be well-spoken, charming and outgoing • Have interest in arts, sport and literature • Be smart in appearance • Be between 25 and 35 years of age Sexual fluency is a plus but not crucial as training will be provided. Please apply via email enclosing covering letter explaining why you think you are the right candidate. Please enclose full CV, some photographs and brief description of your expectations from this position. <ul> <li> Location: UK <li> Compensation: Negotiable <li> This is a part-time job. <li> This is a contract job. <li>Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster. <li>Please, no phone calls about this job! <li>Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-12-07T17:45:18+00:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ldn/948537354.html Wife text HENCHMEN NEEDED http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ldn/783766933.html 20-30 henchmen needed for moderately-sized supervillain organisation with large expansion potential (fortresses built into geological structures, corruption of government officials, possible genesis of 'nemesis' vigilante). Electrical theme. Applicants must be willing to learn new skills, including but not limited to operation of specialised 'lightning guns'. Applicants will also be required to wear specialised uniform when at work (functional rubber suits with my logo on front), except in cases where deception is required (posing as hostages in order to ambush vigilantes, etc). Desired (but not necessarily required) in applicants: -interesting deformations/obsessions/powers(?) giving rise to interesting nicknames (e.g. Claws, Pyro, Buzzsaw, and similar) -unwavering loyalty -being a corruptible government official -ability to work as part of a close-knit team (unless interesting obsession is of the 'lone wolf' variety) -grudge against any well-known vigilante -flexible moral code Equal opportunies employer. Both henchmen and femmes fatales absolutely welcome. Great promotion opportunities - right-hand-man position constantly being unexpectedly opened. Would look good on any future supervillain resume/CV. Send an email with details of any prior henchman work, or details of what is driving you to join the ranks of a supervillain organisation. Will reply to all serious applicants. Hope to hear from you, and with luck, welcome you into a rewarding and promising career! - Jacque (The Zapper) Zerapi <ul> <li> Location: London, but planned worldwide expansion <li> Compensation: £20,000pa starting salary, with added commissions based around success of supervillain operations. Contracts negotiable depending on applicant's personal skills/powers. <li>Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster. <li>Please, no phone calls about this job! <li>Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-08-05T14:34:47+01:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ldn/783766933.html HENCHMEN NEEDED text US UK Insults 101 part 1 http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ldn/386424797.html It seems that this section should be called insults not rants and raves (which should imply something of Speaker's Corner at Hyde Park in terms of articulation and passion). As a citizen of neither the US nor the UK, permit me to be offend both lots of infantile name callers with some substantive comparisons. Constitution: The US declaration of independence and the constitutional arrangements are the foundations of a great country and a great society, a land of opportunity. Britain, in contrast, is a mildewed relic with hereditary monarchy, an established church and a society in which people are not equal before the law; some are born "Lords". America has citizens. Britain has subjects. And the subjects LIKE being subjects. They are sentimentally attached to their chains. (I'll take the Statue of Liberty and all that it represents any day). The proper attitude towards subjects is CONTEMPT. Most Brits think the monarchy is good for tourism, and most of those gawpers are American. For a nation of citizens they have a craven and pathetic liking for anything with a touch of royalty. The only possible explanation is a deep insecurity about their place in the world. This is entirely appropriate to a nation of johnny-come-latelies, parevenus and nouveau riche in search of sophistication. The very correct British attitude to the American royal sycophant is DISDAIN. But this is only because he is a colonial bumpkin (the check pants and cameras are a give away). If he were British he would be a patriot and a very fine fellow. He would also have a little more class in the deportment department. Media (newspapers and television): with a few exceptions the UK is so far ahead of the US that comparison is impossible. The British read more newspapers per head of population, more books, borrow more from libraries and are an all round better read nation. Americans are a nation of couch potatoes. Except when they to go the movies. Unfortunately, the Brits can't pat themselves on the back as they also have the world's worst gutter press. The Daily Sport is surely the most sordid daily comic in the English language. And it isn't even honest hardcore filth, it's very typically British, full of prurient vicarious titillation. Sadly, in recent years, British daytime TV has followed some very bad examples from the US. Knowledge of Geography: America has dumbfuckistan (the red states where they believe in the literal truth of the bible but couldn't tell you the names of the two rivers between which civilization began and in what country they may be found; to put fools out of their misery: Tigris, Euphrates and Iraq). In the ignorant reactionary redneck dept the British have at least got yobs who have passports, who have been overseas and who go for a curry after they get drunk and abuse foreigners. Far more British people have spent more time overseas than Americans as a proportion of the population. The small size of the country, the climatic incentive to travel, and the fact of having more than a pathetic 10 days a year annual holiday all help considerably. The British abroad, especially the football hooligans, can be bloody, and they are cheap and mean and they no speaka the language. Americans are better mannered and more generous, even when they can't afford it. Healthcare: America is a dog-eat-dog society in which tens of millions are shit out of luck if they don't have health insurance. Britain is a vastly more civilized country by comparison, in which healthcare is available free of charge if needed. The National Health Service in the UK is still a disaster in need of radical reform. A million employees is too many and the service doesn't offer the value for money that it should do. Nevertheless, while people grumble about this they don't generally live in fear of sickness and if they fall sick they don't have sell their homes. Britain may not be as efficient as it could be, but this is a lot better than being simply barbaric. Large numbers of Americans have been simply brainwashed about "socialized medicine" -- a gobshite's mantra if ever there was one. The term is uttered by latterday McCarthyites who would GLADLY throw the hindmost to the devil. They accept uncritically what they are told by the vested interests in the status quo. If you have the money you can get better healthcare in the US, but it's more expensive so you'll need the money. A big reason for this is the American love of litigation and the absurd, ridiculous, laughable number of lawyers parasitizing American society (something the rest of the world rightly shakes it's head at). Gun laws: In Britain gun crime is unusual. In America it happens all the time. In the UK the police, except at airports, are unarmed. America is simply creepy barbarianland when it comes to guns and the obsessive fascination with guns for the sake of guns. The counterpart to the NRA in the UK is the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds. You fuck with the RSPB at your peril. They won't shoot you however. But if the British animal rights movement took against you you might like to take out extra life and household fire insurance. If you don't understand how scary they are (they make the NRA look like pussies) be aware that there was no compunction at all about knighting Salman Rushdie and pissing off a billion muslims, but annoying a few thousand animal rights fundies by knighting Colin Blakemore was out of the question. Excitability: The British are a phlegmatic lot, stoical about terrorism, generally tolerant of other cultures. Where they are not they wear white gloves and do what they need to do quietly and with class (Bond-like). Mossad probably learned from their example. Imagine John Major standing outside the Baltic Exchange when it was bombed in the City of London by the IRA and making yobbo, kick-ass comments. It's just unthinkable. Or Mrs.Thatcher with a Mission Accomplished sign? It's clear from all the hatred and jibes about muslims on this list coming from the US that Americans are seriously afraid of Islam. And maybe they deserve to be. Most have NO IDEA of the history of the US's policies of ruthless self-interest in the middle east (watch Noam Chomksy's lectures on YouTube). The US has consistently sided with the bad guys, world wide. It must be absolutely galling to the most powerful nation on earth and to be given a complete run around by a bunch of bozos who don't use toilet paper and who believe they will earn 72 virgins in heaven by blowing you up. Vietnam should have been the ultimate demonstration that military power alone doesn't win wars. The prevalence of 9/11 conspiracy theories in the US is a sign of a general social sickness. Morons who know nothing of the US history in the middle east and who are scientifically illiterate loudly endorse nutjob theories and chose to ignore very simple and rational explanations because they do want facts to interfere with their preferred nutcase conpsiracy theories. There is no similiar neurosis in Britain. Nor is there anything even remotely as nasty, abusive and unbalanced as Fox TV. There are still SOME filters that keep barstool wiseacres off the airwaves and the nation's screens. Alf Garnet (upon whom Archie Bunker was based) was INTENDED to show up that kind of bigot for what he was. In America deeply inadequate and unpleasant people become celebrities, and rich (the 300m people factor: if you get airtime you're gold). The concept of service: America wins hands down. Things have improved a lot in the UK lately, especially with job hungry immigrants competing for work in areas such as plumbing and electrics. Long before they spread to the UK the US had Fedex, UPS and others. 800 numbers. Guaranteed delivery. Service with a smile. Satisfaction guaranteed. Britain is catching on. Thankfully people here are not big on insincere HAVE A NICE DAYs and other guff like forced smiles and eye contact. I'll take perfunctory civility over gushing, saccharine insincerity any day. And I'll have whatever kind of day I feel like, always. Teeth: Americans LOVE to call the Brits Limeys and make jokes about their bad teeth. Most of the name callers are probably ignorant of the origin of the term limey, which should be a badge of honour for the Brits. They discovered how to defeat scurvy when Brittania ruled the waves. The comparison of teeth dates from the 2nd world war, before the national health system in the UK. Scottish teeth aside, British teeth are not noticeably different now from those of Americans except that more Americans go around for longer with the their teeth in braces. Either the British are not so vain or they figure that the dentist doesn't need money for a winter ski holiday. The American hang-up about British teeth is a bit neurotic. Genital mutilation, ie circumcision, of boys: BIG TIME in America. Americans don't want their sons laughed at in the locker room. So they mutilate them. The Brits and most of the rest of the world consider this barbaric and criminally stupid. Religious reasons are bad enough but fear of mockery is truly pathetic. Girls: There's no denying that America's got the biggest girls.. in the world. Check out fat girls on YouTube. They're all American. What a nation of utter lard arses. American girls are also a gazillion times more likely to have breast implants. And they looooove English accents and they would far sooner date Hugh Grant than Rambo. Their whining nasal buzz saw voices are, alas, insufferable, but preferable to far too many regional accents in the UK. Getting rid of leaders who need to go: Britain wins this one easily. When people get too big for their boots or simply too tiresome they are taken aside and told to go and they go. None of this executive privilege malarkey. No need for impeachment or, heaven forfend, assasination to remove lame ducks. Buckets of warm spit: America has Dick Cheney, a nasty snarling individual who was only too happy to do business with Saddam Hussain. In the spine-numbingly awful dept. a worthy successor to the internationally laughable Dan Quayle. Britain had John Prescott, formerly a waiter on a cruise ship (which is why the Tories all called for Gin and Tonics in the House of Commons when he was around). A delightful, avuncular old buffer by comparison. And not afraid to deck a yobbo either, as he showed when he punched out someone during a campaign rally. Some buckets of warm spit just leak when upset. No need to mention quail. Electioneering: Not even John Prescott would have dare to attempt Bush senior's antics, when running for re-election with Ronald Reagan, in rural Ohio, of donning a plaid shirt and sitting on a tractor eating pork scratchings. For sheer intellectual dishonesty, bogosity and plain pantomime US elections are hard to beat. Hard to beat too in unparalleled nastinesss (recall the scumboat veterans) and bouts of shameless infantilism (imagine the flip-flop rally in a British election? Not until the voting age is lowered to 5) Space program: America by a mile. Patrick Moore is still going strong however. Ice cream: American wins easily but is so convinced (usually rightly) that imports are better that it pretends Hagen-Dazs is an import. Beer: it's a physiological fact that taste discrimination declines with temperature. Warm beer may be alien to Americans, but most of the time the climate in Britain rarely calls for really COLD beer. Most American beer cannot be consumed at room temperature because once it can be tasted it is clearly PISS. Most Americans have yet to realize that ads for knockoff American versions of great European beers cut about as much mustard with real beer drinkers as a Chinese knockoff of McDonalds would. Locking up and executing innocent people, putting guilty people to death violently: America wins hands down. And yet Americans have the neck to sneer at believers in Sharia law. By and large they are a more sickeningly blood thirsty lot. Now stop the childish name calling and if you have a rant get it off your chest.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: London <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-08-01T01:02:30+01:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ldn/386424797.html US UK Insults 101 part 1 text CL around the World http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ldn/50630532.html It's been interesting keeping an eye on the new CL boards that have been springing up across the (virtual) world - I think I can see a pattern emerging. Edinburgh Typical post - I'm from Ohio but I love everything about Scotland / the accent / the kilts you guys wear. My afro-mex-american great grandmother was once buggered by a man holding a tin of McEwan's Export - does this make me Scotch? I'm a short order cook at a diner, does this qualify me to move there? Typical reply - Hawaay ha hinnie braw gang muckle yjr heid an shuve ha dritflecs hup yjr rangpeece Dublin Typical post - I'm from the 909 but I love everything about Ireland / the accent / the Guinness you guys wear. I hate the Brits too. My polish-italian-american great grandfather once had a fist fight with an Irish woman in a bar in Boise - does this automatically give me Irish citizenship? I'd love to live there amongst the dirt, the squalor, the poverty and the ignorance and join the nationalist fight against the republicans in Tipperary. Typical reply - Feck off, bastard. I'm just off in my Beemer to the mall to do some serious damage to my black amex at Armani, Ralph Lauren and the little Versace place. Wise up loser - we're Europeans, and poor plastic paddies can stay in Noo York. Amsterdam Typical post - Hey, groovy dudes, how's the grass going? I love everything about the Dutch / the cute way you all speak American / the bicycles you guys eat. My dorm-buddy's second cousin once did a trip to Europe and spent nearly 2 days in the Netherlands - so I guess I'm almost a native already. If I flunk my course, can I come move there and spend all day stoned in some totally awesome Van Gow attic? You owe us because we liberated you. Typical reply - Get lost, kiddy. The Canadians liberated us actually. We're fed up with immature frat boys puking their guts up in our canals after blowing the smallest of spliffies. Take your American shit and keep it out of Europe. Paris Typical post - You fromage munching sanges! I can bench press 560 though I'm only 4'10" in height which makes me about the fittest man in the world! I'm joing the Marine Corps so I can whip your french pussy asses in the war to keep rational thought out of the US of A! You pussy euroliberals even believe in Evolution haha! You owe us because we liberated you! Typical reply - None. The French completely ignore CL. Sao Paulo Typical post - I think Brazilian women are HOT and I speak a few words of Spanish so how do I place an online order for a cute Brazilian girl? I'm 45 and bald with a gut the size of a tractor tire and I pump gas on the interstate but what the hell I'm American and you third-world bimbos will love it, yeah? I haven't much experience but I see a little action in the Men's Room from time to time, so you can teach me how to reach the heights of sexual delirium..oh God....awwhhh... Typical reply - Nós falamos o português. I para possuir um rancho de 10.000 acres e para levantar o gado para o Wendy Burger. Meu amante é um jogador do polo da classe do mundo. Comece gringo perdido, stupid. It's almost painful, isn't it? this is in or around Britain webmaster@craigslist.org 2004-11-30T09:22:09+00:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ldn/50630532.html CL around the World text A Spot of Dogging - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ldn/24833419.html After looking at some comments about "dogging" I thought you might be interested in what happened to me and my husband. We weren't exactly dogging - at least we didn't set out with that intention. It was a hot summer's day and we had decided to go for a drive in the country. We parked up a quiet dirt track off the main road to enjoy the peace and quiet of the countryside. With the weather being so hot he was only wearing a pair of shorts and I was in just a light summer`s dress. We sat there with the car doors and windows wide open for about half an hour when he asked if I was game for a dare. He suggested that we both strip off and have a bit of fun and as we hadn't seen a single soul about, I thought, why not. He soon pulled his shorts off and I hitched my dress up over my head leaving us both stark naked. His dick was already starting to twitch and I was shaking slightly with excitement as I started to rub my hairless pussy which was already feeling very wet. I reached over and tickled his smooth balls and started to wank his dick to full erection,pulling his foreskin back and forward over the large,red knob-end. We`re both keen wankers and enjoy showing off to each other so we both sat there with him wanking his cock furiously as I rubbed my clit.He pushed my head towards his rock hard prick and, needing no encouragement, I proceeded to suck him off. I was in the process of wanking and sucking his cock when he spotted someone walking towards us, but instead of warning me he let me carry on gobbling his stiff shaft. With my head bobbing up and down on his cock and oblivious to everything else around,unknown to me he had signalled to the approaching youth to keep quiet and come over to watch. He soon started to squirm about and I knew the hot spunk would soon be coming. As I came up for air after taking a full load from his jerking cock,which was beginning to dribble down my face,I looked up to see the grinning face of a youth looking at me through the open car window. He quickly ran off laughing,no doubt to wank himself silly,thinking of me naked in the car rubbing my button while sucking a spunking cock. I gave him a playful slap,pretending to be cross, but thinking about it now, maybe I should take up this dogging game with a complete stranger! Do you have what it takes to join me on my next country drive? Tell me what we could do together, and may be i'll pick you? Also pictures get priority :) xxx webmaster@craigslist.org 2004-02-21T09:14:47+00:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ldn/24833419.html A Spot of Dogging - w4m text re: Anglophile http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ldn/12105464.html >Have always loved the English...wish I were there. >Why is there so little going on on your list? Because it's full of fucking Americans. Not that we have anything against fucking Americans, but you're not Londoners. 99% of you aren't even in this country, and you aren't contributing anything to the London list except messages asking if we want to get fucking American citizenship by marrying one of you, offering a quick soulless American fuck as you pass briefly through our city, or exhorting us to be grateful that you fucking Americans have given us such a lovely new playpen and telling us that we should play more in it. Imagine if Craigs List Los Angeles was 95% French people posting "Bouf! LA! I lurve your sexy silicone fake women! I am having a stopover for four hours on my way to Hawaii and a blowjob would be really nice while I am in your sexy airport! Thanks! And thanks for Jerry Bruckheimer movies! They're so funny! We love them! And Miller Light too! But you should post more of your stylish Jerry Lewis humour, because vraiment the stuff you produce on your own is merde." Not that a French person would ever drink Miller Light, but I think you get my meaning. webmaster@craigslist.org 2003-06-06T04:47:32+01:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ldn/12105464.html re: Anglophile text Looking for amatuer dental assistant http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ldn/10125498.html I am a professional dentist that is looking for a partner that is not as good as me. You can be a mechanic, I will show you the ropes of the dental art. It is not that hard, you basically scrape and pull.i pay well. Telecommuting is ok. This is a part-time job. This is a contract job. This is an internship job. OK for recruiters to contact this job poster. Please, no phone calls about this job! You may contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests. Reposting this message elsewhere is OK. this is in or around notting hill webmaster@craigslist.org 2003-04-07T22:56:13+01:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ldn/10125498.html Looking for amatuer dental assistant text