Originally Posted: 2005-05-01 5:15pm
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RANT- Trader Joe's
While I will remain a proponent of Trader Joe's, as a favorably priced and morally responsible company, I have come to the irreversible decision that four avocados are simply too many for me, and despite Trader Joe's progressive allowance to buy individual beers or sodas, it is my understanding that the only accepted way to purchase an avocado is to buy the netted four pack, and this practice has begun to make me resent avocados as a whole, and to even go so far as to call their ripening process "fascist." Everytime I buy those little bastards, it seems their window of delicious edibility is half what it was the last time they were purchased. I've bought the green ones, investing in avocado futures, if you will, only to desire one immediately and end up either attempting some strange way to expedite the ripening process (if you find yourself in this situation, do NOT believe putting it the oven is a clever solution) and ended up with unpleasantly firm green lumps on my burger, or gone and bought a single ripe avocado, bringing my avocado total to five, which is an absurd amount of avocados to have in any non-commercial setting. The other side is being stuck with four impossibly ripe avocados (I think they may enter some sort of ripeness suicide pact while stuck in the netting) and forcing yourself to make a dish which would benefit from avocado (they don't work in miso soup, by the way) and then eventually getting sick of avocados, only to buy the green ones on my next grocery trip, because I think that in the time it takes for them to ripen, I'll want avocado.
I have contemplated that I may be at fault in this situation, but I inevitably let myself off the hook, and conclude that life is far more interesting if minor inconveniences are engendered by impossibly complicated conspiracies, rather than human error. And while I intend to address avocados as the inanimate, edible objects they are while in standard conversations, it does not mean I don't secretly consider them wily, anthropomorphic, and occasionally believe them to engage in legume-related wrongdoing. The original etymological root of "avocado" is Aztec for "testicle," and I think that's where the problem started. You know how you don't mess with Cthulhu artifacts? Well, think about it this way, avocados were officially ridiculed by people that engaged in public human sacrifice, and like the child becoming a bully due to his father's abuse, avocados serve to mock us in the only way possible without giving away their nefarious intentions- by messing with citizens that wish to enjoy their smooth, nutty flavor. So, if you happen to have an avocado with you while perusing this bulletin, hold it up to your computer screen, because in the chance that avocados can read (I give it about 65% / 35%) I hope that they will understand that the reason why we buy avocados is because we like them, and only through this understanding can we reach a new accord with our South American friends, and then the healing can begin. On the non hippie-dippy side, this could alert avocados that people are paying attention, and that their role as the one truly elite condiment is in jeopardy in the coveted home market due to this chicanery.
All right avocados, ball's in your court.