RANT- Trader Joe's
I have contemplated that I may be at fault in this situation, but I inevitably let myself off the hook, and conclude that life is far more interesting if minor inconveniences are engendered by impossibly complicated conspiracies, rather than human error. And while I intend to address avocados as the inanimate, edible objects they are while in standard conversations, it does not mean I don't secretly consider them wily, anthropomorphic, and occasionally believe them to engage in legume-related wrongdoing. The original etymological root of "avocado" is Aztec for "testicle," and I think that's where the problem started. You know how you don't mess with Cthulhu artifacts? Well, think about it this way, avocados were officially ridiculed by people that engaged in public human sacrifice, and like the child becoming a bully due to his father's abuse, avocados serve to mock us in the only way possible without giving away their nefarious intentions- by messing with citizens that wish to enjoy their smooth, nutty flavor. So, if you happen to have an avocado with you while perusing this bulletin, hold it up to your computer screen, because in the chance that avocados can read (I give it about 65% / 35%) I hope that they will understand that the reason why we buy avocados is because we like them, and only through this understanding can we reach a new accord with our South American friends, and then the healing can begin. On the non hippie-dippy side, this could alert avocados that people are paying attention, and that their role as the one truly elite condiment is in jeopardy in the coveted home market due to this chicanery.
All right avocados, ball's in your court.