Originally Posted: 2005-04-30 10:12am
How to get yourself laid - a 10 step guide
Ok boys so this is kinda a semi rant, but seriously, if you guys out there would follow these seemingly obvious pieces of advice, you'd help yourself a lot. It amazes me to no to end how moronic guys are when trying to score with women. I'm putting these tips out there for the greater good...so we don't have to put up with you, and you have a better chance. Good luck...
First off, realize that when we meet you, you fall into one of two categories. 1) We'll NEVER have sex, or 2) MAYBE we'll have sex. Realize, maybe is not YES. At any point if you screw up with one of the following, you get thrown right from maybe to NO. The only time you are safely in the "yes" bag is well...basically when you are already doing it.
1) Dont mention our body parts to us, especially in the first conversation. I'm fascinated when guys blurt out "you have big tits" to me...um...what am I supposed to say to that?? If you want to compliment a girl, keep it general, you know "you look pretty" etc. The only time you should comment on specific parts is if we're naked. And p.s., no girl EVER wants to hear that any part of us is "Huge". Even if you think sayign "huge tits" or "huge ass" is a compliment, we hear it the same as "huge nose" or "Huge thighs". its just bad - don't.
2) Stop hitting on us. There is a difference between a guy trying to talk to you, and a guy "hitting" on you. Don't use these cheesy lines or say something lame. Be genuine - a "hi" and a smile gets you further than most anything else. You may still get rejected, but at least we will think youa re nice and be gentle. Trust me , we LAUGH AT YOU when you approach us trying to be "smooth."
3)Pick up on the girl's signals. Sometimes I'll be hanging out with a few girlfriends getting a drink and some guy will just come up to our table and try to talk to us, totally interrupting. We'll be so aprehensive and standoffish, shooting each other looks etc. and the guy will stand there forever. If a girl (or espeically group of girls) does not seem warm and receptive, for god sakes, leave them alone. You're just making an ass out of youself. Pretty much in general approaching a group of girls is just a bad idea, you've got your work cut out for you
Ok lets say you are lucky enough to get the girl to make out with you. Now is a whole nother region of ways you can fuck it up. Just because we want to kiss you does nto mean automatically we want to FUCK You. Honestly, its way different. That being said...
4.Be a good kisser (that is a HUGE dealbreaker right there).
5. Don't move to fast. You know what is FUCKING HOT!? When a guy DOESNT try to get in your pants right away. Seriously, try it. If you try to bust out the condom or what not the first time we make out, i'll think you're sleazy and wonder how many other times you do that. If we hook up a couple times without you even trying to unbutton my pants, by the third time i'll be tearing at yours. Girls will kick up the sex kitten factor if they think they have a challange. Now of course make sure she knows you are interested etc, but playing a little coy in the bedroom will get you so much further, as long as you have patience. If you can't stand the thought of three dates with the girl, then well maybe you shouldn't be sleepign with her anyways.
5. Speaking of busting out, why on earth do you feel the need to pull it out randomally? Haha the funny thing is, of guys who have done this to me while makign out, most have a rather unimpressive member. You pulling it out does not mean im gonna touch it. It just makes me think you are pretty sad, and then i'll probably have a funny story for my friends. Let us take control in this area. If we're fumbling with your buttons or rubbing your area then yah, we want it. Otherwise play to the cautious side and keep him in your boxers.
6. Groom ! I always wonder about guys i've hooked up with who seems to do pretty well with the ladies and are totally all hairy down there. You like us to be trimmed and clean right? Well we like it too...You don't have to be all shaved and bald down there, but at least trim it back nicely. It makes you more fun to go down on...and you like that right?
ON a side note, have any of you seen the Fred Durst sex video? WTF? This guy is a huge rock star, can't he afford to wax his belly and get a personal trainer? GROSS!!
7. Make some noise. I can't stand it when a guy is dead silent - even as he is cumming. Seriously, it sucks having no feedback. Moan, say something - anything! Its so much hotter when a guy is really responsive.
8. Be generous. NOthing lamer than a selfish guy in bed. I remember a guy telling me about how he slept with close to 60 women, but only went down on one girl, ONCE. But totally expects the girl to give head all the time. Grow up...if you don't like a girl's pussy, maybe you are better off in the "men seeking men" section.
9. Use the phone. Ok so i get it, guys dont always call a lot, maybe they're not too into it etc. THats fine. But if you SAY you are going to call/hang out, then do it. Flaking is a turn off. Don't make plans if you don't want to keep it. But that pretty much goes for life in general
10. Finally...Just pretend you're not the dog you are. Look, we're not dumb, if we're dressed super sexy we know why youare talking to us. We know you are probably checking out our ass/tits/belly whatever. But just attempt to look like you're not and you care what we say. yes its an illusion, but just humor us. Oh also, if you're standing around dont BLATANTLY check out other girls. I've seen guys do this from across teh way. What if I thought you were cute? If i see you bending your neck over some girl's ass, I'll think you are a dork, and then I won't approach you. YOu never know who is watching....
OK. Hope this helps...so I realize that this isnt for all girls. There are plenty out there with low self-esteem, daddy "issues", people who need attention etc who will hook up with guys even if they do ALL of the bad things. But do you want a girl who is all vulernable and pathetic? Haha probably...but in case you feel like shagging a quality one, go with the advice above. Also, clearly this goes for the first time you are trying to get a girl in bed. IF she's your GF and you're having probs...who knows. Try the grooming thing.