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Originally Posted: 2005-03-29 12:57pm

Songs I want to kick my ass for liking...

I really wanted to kick my own ass the other day. I was on a business trip in Biloxi, MS and cruising down the casino strip in my bitching Malibu Capri. I normally bring my own CDs when traveling for a few days and renting a car, however on this trip neglected to do so. If you take a look in my own disc changer, you’d think I have a pentagram tattooed on my ass. I’ve got Slipknot, Slayer, Black Sabbath, ACDC, Iron Maiden and Public Enemy in there right now. Chuck D and Flavor Flav may not be up for drinking goat’s blood, but damn were they angry. With those at home it left me the laborious task of finding a suitable radio station to listen to. This was easier said than done. Finally I landed on a song that had a decent sounding guitar riff, and I found myself bobbing my balding head to it. I knew it wasn’t going to be anything too exciting, but it had a good beat and I was enjoying it. Then the lyrics hit. “I’ll spread my wings and I’ll learn how to fly…” My good Goddamn. It was Kelly Clarkson’s “Breakaway”. My chick loves that song, so I have heard it before. But never alone. I reached out my trembling finger to change the station, but I was weakened by the original American Idol siren’s voice! Finally the song ended, and I quickly changed the station. The Clarkson Gods were against me that day, as the song had just started on another fucking station. I was compelled to listen to the whole thing by that gap-toothed turd, since I had only caught it in the middle the last time. Somehow, I had picked up some of the lyrics and found myself singing along. I was at a red light and had the windows down and was oblivious to my surroundings. Until I looked over and saw some brace-face pimply teen laughing at me as she was listening to the same damn song! I held my head and cried like Ogre losing the arm wrestling contest to that Omega Mu in “Revenge of the Nerds”. If Glenn Danzig saw me, he would kick in my teeth. Tommy Lee would shove his drumsticks in my ass and probably give me some form of hepatitis in the process. Then I realized it; I may bleed metal, but I still am a huge douchebag every once in a while. I guess I can only take so much of the head banging music before I need to listen to a good mindless pop song. While I don’t think I can cover them all, here are five songs I want to kick my own ass for liking: 5 - “Nothing Compares 2 U”, Sinead O’Connor. I hate that bald bitch. If I saw her walking down the street, I’d probably mule kick her in the skull. I’d tear her apart like she did that picture of the Pope. But I can go a good 5 years without hearing this song and still know all the words and sing it with a passion unheard of. 4 – “Stay”, Lisa Loeb & Nine Stories. This was from the “Reality Bites” soundtrack. “Reality Bites” sucked my hairy ass. I never liked the movie. I never liked the whole grunge scene it represented. I almost stopped liking Pearl Jam because members were in the movie. But they took care of that later by releasing shitty music. Everyone told me how good this soundtrack was, so I bought it and it stunk like the elephant section at the zoo. But if this song comes on the radio, I’ll blare that fucker and noodle dance all over my apartment. 3 – “Again”, Janet Jackson. This song depresses the shit out of me. When I hear it, I feel like a 40-year old woman going though a mid-life crisis. I want to ball up in my bed, eat a gallon of ice cream and cry. Then I think of her disgusting naked nipple and I cry for real. 2 – “Complicated,” Avril Lavigne. I get furious when people tell me this chick rocks. She doesn’t. I even have a hard time admitting that Lita Ford rocked, but at least I could relate to Lita’s lyrics of getting wasted and laid. I cannot relate to ANYTHING Avril puts out, especially this song. But it comes on, and all of the sudden I am a 17-year old school girl, pissed at my parents, school and my jerk of a boyfriend Steve. 1 – “Bye Bye Bye,” NSYNC. If you take a look at the lyrics to this piece of shit, it actually could have fit in on either “Use Your Illusion” 1 or 2 by Guns N’ Roses. It has more bite than “Don’t Cry”, that’s for sure. But Justin and JC and are no Axl and Slash. Bye Bye Don't wanna be a fool for you Just another player in your game for two You may hate me but it ain't no lie, Baby, bye, bye, bye...” Anything else by these cheese dicks that I hear makes me irate. But I hear this fucking tune and my ass is shaking like I was the choreographer for the video. I cannot stop it! I spin, I grind my hips, and I do a modified running man. If you’ve never seen a 5’4” chubby old guy do this, I highly suggest you do. At least once a year someone finds this CD in my car and challenges why in the blue hell I have it. With no good excuse, I pull the 13 year old girlie defense by grabbing it, hiding it and screaming, “SHUT UP!” Damn you NYSYNC!! I’m just kidding. I could never be mad at you guys. So there you have it. My Sabbath Fan Club card is probably being revoked right now with a scribbled letter from Ozzy coming in the mail telling me to piss off. Just remember, next time you see some mulleted freak rocking a Korn shirt in his ’88 Camero, it may just be Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On” that he is mouthing the words to. And I may be sitting right next to him. this is in or around Los Angeles

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