Disclaimer: Before anyone thinks, "Fine you asshole. I hope you get nothing for Christmas!" please realize that I don't want or need anything for Christmas. In fact, that is the whole point here. I'm 26 and have a nice career. If I need something, I don't ask Santa for it. I fucking buy it like an adult. What do I want for Christmas? I don't know....sleep I guess. What I can tell you is this: Here are some things that I don't want this holiday season:
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#1. Novelty Boxer Shorts
Unless the woman youíre trying to seduce has a fantasy about fucking a clown, thereís no reason to ever be wearing underwear covered in images of Snoopy and Charlie Brown. ďBut itís a holiday theme!Ē Terrific, but that doesnít change the fact that the girl Iím undressing in front of is now trying to decide whether to fuck me or read me a Bernstein Bears story.
#2. Whatever ďFor DummiesĒ book pertains to the career Iím actively pursuing
I know that certain scientific laws make it impossible to give gifts that arenít tangible like ďrunningĒ or in this case, ďspitting in my face,Ē but I must say, youíve come close with your choice to give me this, ďFor DummiesĒ book. I know you donít understand what I do for a living, but just because Michael Douglas didnít pay for a limo to drop me off at the party you shouldnít assume that Iím failing miserably. Your lack of faith wouldnít be more obvious if you just gave me a job application to Wal-Mart.
#3. The DVD first season of some short-lived, completely forgettable show
There is absolutely no reason anyone (including Andy Griffith) should ever need to have instant access to any specific episode of Matlock. Is this one where Matlock wastes the courtís time to make reference to his love of Southern cooking or is it the one where the black guy goes to a seedy bar and uses his street smarts to wrangle information? The whole point of daytime television is to bore people into canning the ďIím sickĒ bullshit so they can get back to work.
#4. The gift from the out of touch relative who thinks Iím 2 decades younger than I actually am
A vintage Star Wars lunch box! Oh neat, it even snaps shut so thereís no way my sandwich, chips, or chances of ever having sex again will fall out. Perfect. Iíll set it on top of that dresser I keep my baseball cards in. Honestly, if I didnít use my penis to urinate, your gifts would make me forget that I have one.
#5. The Obvious Last-Minute Gift
Forgive me if I canít honestly believe that your intention a month ago was to get me a porcelain cat figurine for Christmas despite my never owning a cat and even going out of my way to express my intense hatred for cats. Weíve all been there, but next time youíre picking up a gift for me at the gas station on the way to my house, go ahead and just grab some beer. And if you donít mind grabbing the mail on the way in, Iíd love that too.
#6. The really small gift card for the big, expensive store
Wow, $10 to Barneyís New York! Now if I can just scrape together another 10 out of my own pocket, theyíll let me lie on the floor while the night janitor urinates on my chest and face.
#7. Any type of donation being made in my name
Even though I think Karma is merely a way to keep morons from enjoying themselves, I do know that if it does exist, it doesnít work like a gift card. In other words, I canít do something nice and have the Karma points be added to your account. If you really want to distract God from what a huge asshole I am, just help me build this brick wall in front of the hooker Iím about to have sex with.
#8. Christmas decorations
Gifts that offer a type of delayed satisfaction are fine when itís something like concert tickets. However, giving someone a Christmas decoration as a gift on Christmas will make people hope aloud that you didnít drive yourself there. In fact, itís so ridiculous; it actually creates feelings of sadness and pity rather than disbelief. Your friends and family will wonder if you even know how the holiday works. Some might even wonder why you didnít just take it to the max and hand out coupons offering to help shovel dirt onto their coffin after theyíve passed away.
#9. Involvement in any type of office gift swap thing
Whoever declared that the process of a 2-hour exchange of gag gifts was funny needs to slip back into their coma for a few more years. ďOh ha! You got me a half a deck of playing cards and I got you Fun Dip! Hilarious!Ē The only reason assholes like Scrooge make their employees work late on Christmas Eve is because from 10am to 3pm, those same employees were pissing away company money with trivial gift exchanges. Wrapping up boxes of paper clips and handing them out as gifts isnít entertaining. Itís a sign of Alzheimerís.
#10. A starter set for some obscure hobby I have zero interest in and am pretty sure you also have zero interest in.
Alright! A butterfly net with a book about catching and identifying butterflies! Is there a head injury Iím going to have soon and donít know about yet? If ever the day arrives that Iím reduced to the type of mongoloid who spends his days puttering around the backyard with a butterfly net, I give you full permission to take me down to the creek, tell me about the rabbit farm, and then blow my fucking brains out.
#11. Any gift that serves as an attempt to include me in whatever cultish fad youíre currently wasting your time with.
Yes, Iíve heard of The Secret and honestly Iím glad youíve found something to momentarily distract you from the fact that your job is slowly driving you to suicide and youíre about a spilled drink on the couch away from your third divorce. However, because I donít see you often enough to warrant showing any real concern with your life, please realize that itís just easier for me smile and nod in response to whatever cup of poisonous Kool-Aid you happen to be drinking at the moment than to give you my honest opinion. All I ask is that you just leave me the hell out of it. Iím pretty into porn, but you wonít see me trying to throw that at youÖexcept for redtube.com. Itís pretty impressive with the search engine and what not.
- Location: Santa Monica
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