Originally Posted: 2004-05-05 3:46pm

Men online: why we are the way we are

I know the subject of men responding to online personal ads has been covered from every angle imaginable since Al Gore miraculously created the magical network that is the Internet while landing on the Moon and shagging Britney Spears, but here's my $.02 anyway.

Girls. You post an ad online; you receive 300 responses in two minutes (four times that many if you include a picture of your boob). 290 of the 300 are from idiots, perverts, or idiotic perverts sending you pics of some other guy's dick. The other 10 are probably perfectly decent, normal guys. But what about the 290?

Well, the other 290 are a product of the dynamic, volatile mixture of biology, technology and timing. Ladies, imagine the horniest you've ever been. I mean, can't think straight, head is going to explode, must get off now in order to continue with the rest of your day, willing to rub against anything that won't press charges, horny. This is how the average guy feels roughly 8 hours a day. It would be more, but generally we don't feel the urge when we're eating. Food has its own unique pleasures to offer. (This is why it's poor manners to talk to us about anything half-way important while we're eating. Asking me about "us" or about my job when I have a Big Mac and Super Sized Fries in front of me is like me asking you about your sister right before you have an orgasm.)

Don't bash us guys for our sex drive. You owe your very existence to it. If men had the sexual appetite of most women, the human species would be nothing more than a faded spec of dust on Mother Nature's ass. But we've learned to be good about it. These days we have to deal with pesky things like civilization, laws and social acceptance. So we men suppress our biological urges for the wellbeing of society. We're good little monkeys. Until we get online and realize we're totally fucking anonymous. "...and it was as an ordinary secret sinner that I at last fell before the assaults of temptation." We become anonymous animals.

When you post an ad online, you get the worst of us, at our absolute worst. Imagine the skankiest, most nympho slut you know. Then imagine that she can't get laid on a Saturday night to save her life, and you have yourself the average 20-50 year old modern male. That's a lot of pent-up angst and dangerously low self-image issues that need venting.

And then there it is. This magic box that holds promises of sex. All you have to do is type a couple of nice, non-threatening words, attach a jpg image and click "send." You don't even need both hands to do it. The female Online Personal is deceptively simple and it pulls a lot of us gullible males into its web, no pun intended.

It's a simple supply and demand issue. Women offer up a very small quantity of a highly demanded product. If I could provide a graph here, I would. In a fictional example, as the amount of "sex with girls" on the market increases to meet the high demand, the value of said "sex with girls" drops. As more "sex with girls" hits the marketplace, 300 emails in 2 minutes suddenly becomes 200 emails in 10 minutes. Then 50. Then one. One being the number of female responses I received for each of the two m4w posts I've made in the "strictly platonic" section of Craig's List. One product offered, one buyer found, and the market has reached equilibrium...

So, where was I? I think that economics stuff threw me off a little. Suddenly I can't think straight. I don't know what's gotten finto fme. figfray fippleflay. I'm having trouble typing. I feel like my head is going to explode! Did my office manager just wink at me? I think she did. No, she has something in her eye. And now my cell phone is vibrating in my pocket. Mmmmmmmm....

I wonder what's happening over in Casual Encounters today?

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