Fat Tony's Public Crapper rules & regulations
RULE #1: When driving and you gotta crap, never stop to a gas station or truck stop Those are filthy toilets. Find a hotel, ask where the pay phone is and bam! Marble, mirrors and super clean crappers.
RULE #2: The first two stalls (closest to the urinals) are always the cleanest and have toilet paper. THe further down the line you go, the dirtier they are. Everyone wants privacy when they dump so they go down the line. Don't use those. Use one of the first two.
RULE #3: Stall is dirty? Pee on the seat? NEXT! Get out and go to the next stall. Wiping sombodys pee off of the seat can give you HerpAids. None are clean and you really gotta go? Tell the manager that the toilets are dirty and Mr. Janitor will come to the rescue. Tipping is not necessary.
RULE #4: Assgaskets, Assgaskets, Assgaskets and then more Assgaskets! If you put just one, might as well believe in Santa, Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy. You need a minimum of 4, the uglier the stall the more Assgaskets you need.
RULE #5: Noises? Farts? No worries, what happens in the stall stays in the stall. Just don't make WEEEEEEE! noises because you will get beat up. Feel like singing a song? Nothing makes people uncomfortable like show tunes. When I'm in a public (crowded) toilet I always break out into a show tune. Some laugh, others tell you to shut up and there's always one or two that join in. My favorite is "The sun'll come out! Tomorrow! When did I eat corn! Tomorrow! Just thinking about tomorrow!" The spanish version is cute too "Manyana! Manyana!"
RULE #6: Courtesy flush! The thought of other people smelling the fruits of your small intestin is funny, but do you want to smell theirs? It is perfectly fine to yell out "courtesy flush!" when in a bathroom. Shyt, flush. Grunt, shyt, flush. Don't let it sit in the bowl and become airborne unless you're alone or on your way out. Be careful, if you don't flush and sombody is waiting for that stall they have every right to make you come back and flush. I've done that three times to people.
RULE #7: Always put some toilet paper in the bowl before you do your business. If you don't water will "splash" up and go on your chocolate starfish. If you put toilet paper in the bowl, the courtesy flush will not splash. Think water splashing on you asshole is fun? Hope you like Anal Warts.
RULE #8: NEVER EVER look in the cracks of the stall when passing bye. This makes you a fag, and the guy will remember your shoes and will kick your ass when he gets out. Looking for an empty stall? NEVER look in the door cracks, never push the door (man that sucks when you are dumping and sombody pushes the door and that little metal lock saves you, whew), bend down and see if you see shoes. No shoes, no problem.
RULE #9: Never drop your pants to your ankles in a public crapper. There's always piss and pubes on the floor. Frop your pants and squat, keep them above your knee. I hate when I pass by a stall and I see the guys pants are all the way down tho his ankles almost off of his feet. What? Are you three years old? Pick up your pants dammit!
RULE #10: No toilet paper? No hanky in your pocket? Take off your underwear, wipe, wipe, wipe, then throw them behind the stall. Flush, zip, run and never tell anyone what you've done.
Tooooooooooooooooooomorrow Tomorrow I love ya tomorrow, you're always a daaaaaaaa awaaaaaaaaaay!