A stripper's RANTS
1) Hey you over there, holding that one dollar bill in your hand with a death grip and waving it around at me like it's the fucking deed to Trump Towers... what the fuck do you want me to do, grow another pussy?? It's a fuckin' dollar, put it down on the tiprail already.
2) Men that come into the club for a lapdance with NO underwear or boxers and thin-ass, nylon shorts, so we slip and slide on your hard-on (which always feel like a sharpie pen). Ew! I don't even bother dancing with you nasty fucks anymore.
3) You with the thick-ass jeans--this was an impromptu visit, eh?
4) Don't pull my thong up during a dance and ask me if that felt good. It does NOT FEEL GOOD.
5) Hey you loser, counting all your bills to me after the dance, all $20 in ones, and rubbing your fingers between each one to make sure you are giving me just that one dollar. Yes, you.
6) No I will not let you just "slip it in real quick" for 50 more bucks. If you're going to proposition me, at least don't insult my worth.
7) Stop asking me if my tits are real. There are as real as my affection for you.
8) If you cum in your pants, you have to tip me an extra $100 for being a lame-ass who can cum from just a lapdance.
9) Stop asking me out. You're a smelly, fat loser and the only reason I'm smiling and cooing at you is because I want your money. Outside of the club I wouldn't even fart your way.
10) Stop bitching at me about the goddamn two drink minimum. First of all your breath stinks, you have a piece of salami stuck to your goat-tee and you look like Jay Leno. Secondly, I don't give a shit.
11) Don't bitch at me about the $8 non-alchoholic beer either. Hide a bottle of Jack in your coat pocket next time like everyone else does.
12) My horniness is in direct proportion to your income.
13) No, you CAN'T SMOKE. Dumb. Ass.
14) Boys, don't sit in the front row with your homeboys and act all engrossed in some deep conversation (knowing damn well you ain't talking 'bout shit) during a girls performance because you want to look like you're too "cool" to notice the hot, naked girl in front of you.
15) DON'T SIT IN THE FRONT ROW IF YOU ARE NOT GOING TO TIP. Fer chrissakes!!!!!!!!!!!
16) Dumb ass, don't ask me, "so what do you guys do when you're on your period?" Answer: I lap dance only with guys in dark pants.
17) STOP trying to grab my tits!!!!!!!!! That's extra.
18) SHOWER FIRST, you nasty fuck!
19) If you don't tip me, I'm going to call your wife.
20) I had a feeling you weren't going to tip me, so I took extra care to rub my lip gloss on your collar and wear extra glitter lotion before our dance.
21) Hey cheap-asses: please don't come to my work. Just stay home and jack off to reruns of "I love Genie" instead. It will save us a both a lot of unpleasantry.
22) Stop asking me why I do this job and get all analytical on me. For the MONEY you moron, that's why. Duh.
23) No seriously, my real name is Vixen Blue.
24) NO, I will not take a dime sac of weed for payment. I can tell it's oregano anyway you sick mutherfucker!
25) Sorry, I don't do that. Ask the ugly girl with the overbite and the black roots over there by the bar.
26) It is not okay for you to bounce me on your cock like a baby on a knee. Not okay.
27) Stop complaining about how short the song was. It felt like the fucking maxi-single to me.
28) Yes I will fuck you, but only for 10 grand. More if you're ugly. So basically, more.
29) DO NOT come into the club looking for a girlfriend/date. DO. NOT.
30) I don't care if you're cute and/or Brad Pitt's stunt double. I do not give free lapdances. Cute don't pay the rent.
31) Girls--what's with the pole smell? Can we do a little hygiene check? Nothing than worse than twirling around a pole and getting a whiff of stale pussy.
32) Girls--stop lip-syncing to the song you're dancing to on stage. Especially if you don't quite know all the words.
33) Girls--if your toes curl and hang over your platforms a la' Fred Flinstone, you need to go up a size.
34) Girls--drowning yourself in Angel perfume is just as bad if not worse than the BO you're trying to cover.
35) Hey DJ! You suck!
36) Girls--may I suggest complete sobriety before getting tatted up? Tattoos should be meaningful, or at least semi-meaningful, or at least semi semi-meaningful. That fucking smurf on your ass is lame.
37) Girls--some songs should not be stripped to. Please. No Disney soundtracks (you know who you are), Sade, Bjork, or Aaron Carter. PLEASE.
Thanks for listening.