Originally Posted: 2003-10-20 3:16pm
So You Want to Be an A**hole Boyfriend - w4m
It's come to my attention that several of you want to make that leap from jerk boyfriend to complete asshole, but haven't quite figured out how. Simply follow some - or all, for the truly dedicated among you - of the steps outlined below, and you'll be well on your way!**
1. Criticize your girlfriend. Often. Tell her she looks like shit and she's getting fat. Size 8 is no size 6, after all. Tell her that she's unattractive to you, and if she doesn't hit the gym, you're going to dump her fat ass and find someone else. Point out that Pamela Anderson didn't get fat after she had kids, why should she be fat now?
2. When she's out of town and you're supposed to be dog-sitting just after she's moved 10 miles across town, let the little bastard out on its own, go back inside, have a few beers, watch a movie, and forget about it completely for at least four hours, by which time you should no longer be able to find it. When she calls that night, neglect to tell her about the missing dog. Mention it casually once she gets home the next day, and laugh when she runs around frantically trying to find it. Don't help her, by any means*. When she finds out it got hit by a car and one of the neighbors took it to the vet where it subsequently died, laugh and say she shouldn't feel bad, at least she won't have to buy dog food and pick up shit anymore. (*This is key - NEVER HELP HER - you might accidentally seem sensitive or sweet. Avoid it like the plague!)
3. Break her stuff. Don't tell her. Don't bother with the petty stuff, either - make sure it's either expensive or has sentimental value.
4. When and if she asks you to accompany her to her office Christmas party, show up an hour and a half late (making sure you're half in the bag already), dress in dirty jeans and a t-shirt (extra bonus points for vulgar slogans, the more 'fuck's, the better!), hit on her boss, insult the senior partner, drink as much as you can (further bonus points if you can pick out the recovering alcoholic in the group and challenge him to a shot drinking contest, then insult his manhood when he refuses) and when your girlfriend succumbs to intense embarrassment, loudly proclaim, "FUCK YOU ALL," before making your triumphant exit. Puke in her car on the way home.
5. Forget her birthday (see #6), and when she mentions it, announce that it's 'not your thing' and go out to a strip club with your friends. Steal her credit card first.
6. Alternately, break up with her just before her birthday and all major holidays - it will relieve you of the need to buy her a gift, while also ensuring that you won't have to suffer through Christmas dinner with her family and their fucking boring stories. The only detractor from that is that you won't once again get to ogle her hot cousin across the table.**
(**Note: hot cousin may turn out to be a post-op transsexual.)
7. Bully her into agreeing to make tapes of you two having sex. Then show your friends. Don't forget to point out how fat her ass is, and all of her physical imperfections. Make sure you tell her how hard they laughed later. Bonus points if you time it so that you will all be watching and drinking beer when she gets home from work for the extra humiliation factor.
8. It's best to make sure you have your own orgasm as quickly as possible, make a half hearted attempt (no attempt at all is optimal) to make sure she has one. If it doesn't occur within one minute, give up, either roll over and go to sleep, or get up and go watch tv. Never engage in post-coital conversation or cuddling.
9. When your girlfriend needs to move, feign a back injury and stay at home. Whatever you do, don't help. If any of your male friends need help the same weekend, however, get up immediately and go help them.
10. Try your best in the time you're together to fuck at least one of her friends. Doesn't have to be a close friend, an acquaintance will do, but make sure you get in there somehow. Tell her about it later, but time it just right. Best time is when she's already upset about something, like.. oh, her father dying. Just slip it right in there, no use making her upset all over again some other time, right? Never waste these opportunities.
11. When your car breaks down, borrow hers. Get involved in at least one accident that is your fault, don't tell her, and return the car on empty.
12. If you sense she's about to break up with you, GET IN THERE AND DO IT FIRST! Make sure to outline all of her faults; accuse her of fucking around; suggest to her that you: a. never were that interested in her anyway, b. never found her all that attractive, c. couldn't stand the sound of her voice, and d. have another girl waiting in the wings. Whatever you do, don't leave before you ask for her hot cousin's phone number!
**Use at your own risk. I assume no responsibility for any injuries that may occur as a result of incorporating any of the aforementioned steps.