To the guy defecating on my front lawn
To my horror, you dropped your pants and took what can only be described as a fecal explosion, against the side of my building. And if that wasn't enough to shock me to my very core, YOU PULLED YOUR PANTS BACK UP, without so much as a leaf-wipe, and merrily went on your way.
We have all faced this before; we knew we were not going to make it home, or the gas station attendant was fantasizing he's a feudal lord or, even worse, we were on our first date and the bathroom was situated practically next to the headboard of the bed. So, in a mad scramble to get to a safety zone, we gambled and lost. But, Dude, against the side of my apartment?
You're better than that.