Originally Posted: 2003-07-31 8:36pm
A Note To My Girlfriend Who Thinks All Men Are Jerks
Everytime I hear you make that comment, I want to scream “Get over it, he doesn’t like you!” But of course, a little voice says, “Bite your tounge. Her feelings are real. You have to stop coming across as an insensitive asshole everytime she whines to you about how her latest attempt to snag a boyfriend backfired."
Let me see if I can articulate my observation…a perspective that would likely result in the messenger getting killed.
A girl wants a boyfriend so bad that she will take the first guy who comes calling...and I will bet that the first guy that does comes calling is probably a player because that’s his M.O. He reaches out to multiple women at a time and makes sure all his bases are covered. He lives by the motto, “If you go to bat a hundred times, you’re bound to hit something.”
He’s charming and knows how to work a girl. She’s thinking she’s the only one in the game and that he must really like her to be paying her all this attention.
Meanwhile, the nice guy you totally ignore sits in the background and observes. A side note to the nice guys...you can’t win if you don’t play.
They flirt, she puts on her best front. They hit it off and he suggests they get together again. He calls four days later. In the meantime, she’s freaking out at why he hasn’t called yet, why he would say he would call if he's not going to and if he hasn’t already called in three days, then she’s just going to blow him off. Then she gets the call and all the hatred, anger and frustration just went out the window. The intent to write him off never existed. It’s new and exciting again.
They make plans to go out, again they are enjoying each other’s company. She invites him to her place and lets things get physical, but not go all the way because she’s holding out with the intent of sustaining his respect for her.
The next day, I hear about the date and how great he is. He doesn’t call for a few days. Now I’m starting to hear “What a jerk and why hasn’t he called?”. He finally calls and she pulls an attitude with him. She wants to start laying down the rules early. He’s turned off by her attitude, but still asks her out because he hasn’t gotten laid yet.
Second date or even third date, it’s the same scenario. Eventually, things get physical enough that she puts out. Things couldn’t be better--except when he doesn’t call for a week. During which, she is an emotional wreck! She rants on about how she really liked this guy, thought he was different and that he really liked her. I’m thinking “Didn’t we go through this with the last four guys you dated?” Same story, just different guys.
He finally calls thinking they can just hook up. Her attitude towards him is hot and cold and totally unpredictable. She’s totally sweet one minute and a bitch the next because she’s torn between wanting to be with him, but hating the fact that he isn’t up her ass. Of course, this whole time they’ve been seeing each other, his intentions has never changed. He is still the same guy as when they first met. So after all the emotional episodes she exudes, it starts to wear on him. He doesn’t want to deal anymore and starts distancing himself or moves on to some other girl. She senses his distance and becomes desperate so makes herself available for him. So now the few and far in between times that he does call to hook up, she accomodates.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not building a case for the “men are jerks” notion, just trying to get you to see the pattern you have created for yourself. Everytime you act out on your insecurities, you become someone who’s unbalanced and emotionally draining to others around you. I can guarantee, that is not the kind of girls most guys want to date. The kind of girls that most guys fall in love with are girls who are their friends. Girls who are rational, stable, and fun to be around. A girl who knows the difference between physical and emotional connections, who understands and appreciates the physiological needs while separating that from the emotional needs.
Try getting to know a guy before you consider recruiting him for the position of “boyfriend”. Let him see you as his friend first before you try luring and trapping him with sex. And if the physical attraction becomes too much and you end up in bed with him, don’t take it so personally when you discover that was his only intention. Remember, you are the female. You have the control and deciding vote on whether or not he gets to sleep with you. Take ownership of the fact that you allowed him into your bed. If you’re feelings happen get hurt in the process, know that it is the cross you must bear for ignoring that nice guy in the background who’s still wondering why the girls go for the assholes...
Your Insensitive Asshole Girlfriend