To my cousin.... with the Rockin' Ass!
Did you get a ride with your mom or did you come alone? Your mom has got a bigger set of tits than you, but I’m an “ass” man, and you’ve got that over her. I was standing by the chip bowl when you came into the back yard. You probably don’t recognize me because I’ve lost my hair and put on just under a 100 pounds in the last five years. But when I was your age, you knew who I was. I was the cool cousin. I had just got out of junior college where I was in the band. Remember how I used to work at Best Buy selling computers? I was the “smart one” of the family.
I was going to say, “hi” right away, but I they just opened a new package of BBQ flavored Lays and I wasn’t going to let Aunt Kathy eat them all. I did wave to you, but you must not have seen me.
I heard you tell uncle Rob that you weren’t dating anyone. That’s cool. Cute girl like you in LA won’t be single for long. So I figured I would make my move.
Did you feel my hand on your shoulder? I didn’t think you did, cause you walked away so quickly. I was going to follow you inside the house but grandma moved the foil away from her brownies and it was eating time.
Uncle Rob was kickin’ ass on the BBQ this year. The ribs were the bomb. I also had a couple tri-tips and a triple burger. Did you see what your brother was eating? Is he a vegan? He must have had like a plate of salad or something. I told him, “lettuce is for fags”.
Are you padding your bra? When you were 16, you were like a B cup, but you are pushing a solid D right now. You’re mom’s easily a double D, but she also is sagging a bit. Oh, thanks for flashing me when you bent over to get that beer out of the cooler. Yes, I did enjoy that black thong. Yikes. Did I mention your ass was rockin? I was so close to putting my hand print on your ass cheek, but I didn’t want to make a scene in front of the family. They don’t know about “us” yet.
So did you feel me blowing on your neck when we were in line for food? You were putting A-1 on your tri-tip and I bent over and blew some air right on the nape of your neck. I could see the goose bumps rise. I’m glad you can’t hide your feelings for me. Did you see me hiding my feelings for you? I stretched my Laker’s jersey over my sweat pants cause I was pitching a tent. Before I could actually kiss that nice neck of yours you took about three steps forward. I was going to follow you, (I like a good game of cat & mouse), but I had too much ambrosia on top of my second plate. That stuff is the bomb.
I was going to sit by you. Maybe play a little footsie, but I couldn’t find you. So I ate with Bryan’s friend Earl. No offense, but that guy gives me the creeps. Stay away from him.
After I got another plate of ambrosia, I went into the house to find you. Helen said you left. Is Helen my cousin or my aunt? Cause her body is smokin!
I went outside to see if I could find your car. I was hoping you were waiting there to make out with me in the back seat. I saw your car, but you weren’t in it.
When I came back inside I saw you by the pool. Seeing you in that bathing suit, you’re definitely a C cup. A good C though, and it doesn’t bother me, cause I’m an ass man. I sure wish you would have taken off your shorts so I could see a little more flesh, I know you were wearing thong underwear, but the family would have thought it was a bikini bottom.
I was going to swim with you. But I didn’t have a T-shirt to wear in the pool. I look a lot better when I swim in a T-shirt. I started to make my way to the pool when I head Uncle Rob announce that there were only four patties left. I could really use another triple decker. Rob said “why don’t you just eat all four, and save the rest of us from a life of obesity?” Rob is right, I don’t want any of my family to suffer.
I had a 4 decker, with cheese (Swiss & American), and mayo. Ketchup would have ruined the flavor. It was amazing. I also finished off the brownies with some ice cream I found in Helen’s freezer. I don’t know why they didn’t put the ice cream out in the food area. I guess cause they didn’t want it to melt. Plus the carton was half empty, oh, I should say half full. Sorry to be a pessimist.
When I finished my burger, I couldn’t find you. So I decided to post on Craigslist about our missed connection.
I’ll be on Hollywood Blvd. tomorrow if you want to hook up.