My inbox is empty and I am bored today
Here are some tips that will help YOU keep ME entertained today:
1. Please respond with exactly the same email you send to every other girl who posts an ad. Bonus points if it is also the same one you have responded to me with previously. Because you know, I have never posted an ad before, and I don't have any friends who post here either.
2. I love it when you send JUST a picture. And when I am SO bored that I actually write you back asking for more info, please write nothing, but send me a link to your resume. I care what crappy little indie films you have been in and what acting courses you have taken. Really I do.
3. Another good option when faced with a request for more info about yourself is to shoot me back a "well what do you want to know?" I like a man who can't formulate three paragraphs about himself, and instead leaves it to me to interrogate him. I want to go to as much effort as possible to find out about YOU, because I have all day to respond to emails like this.
4. Write me a really sincere reply. Take some time to really impress me. And then send it from your yahoo account - "marriedcock4urass." That makes me damn hot.
5. If I am not your physical type, I really hope that along with telling me so, you will insult me. Kindness toward strangers is so passe'.
6. ALL CAPS or all small letters, and using cutesy little 14-year-old girl abbreviations, really makes me wet. A command of the English language is highly overrated and could show intelligence, which is very threatening to my poor wittle noggin. i luv u 2!!
7. Please lie to me about your age, or other important things. I love that. I especially love when you get defensive and nasty when I bust you for lying. It's so...endearing.
8. Show an interest in my appearance by asking me for a photo. Repeatedly. Be sure to ONLY have interest in my photo. Ask for it several times in one email. Bonus points if you say something like "of course looks dont matter, but i need to see your photo." I don't want you to know anything about me besides what I look like. Please GOD, judge me by that alone, because I have spent so much time and money molding myself to be exactly what will make you happy. Super mega bonus points if you see my photo and then ask me to change something superficial about myself, like my hair color. Because I live to please you, and being a brunette would make everything just fall into place for you. And then in 20 years when I have borne 3 of your children and loved you for everything you are, including your bald spot and beer belly and hairy back, I really hope you will complain that I have gained 15 pounds. I need to be kept in line that way.
9. Make sure to completely disregard any requests I might make in terms of what I am looking for. Examples might include:
9.1 When I say I want dating, hopefully leading to a relationhip...YOU are smart enough to decipher what I was really trying to say - "I want hot no-strings sex this afternoon, with a generous married guy!"
9.2 The ages I prefer are 28 to 38. If you are older, either see #5 above, or tell me how everyone always THINKS you are in your early 30's. Because if you LOOK 33, for all intents and purposes you ARE 33. Even if you are really 45. If you are younger, it's ok because I like to indulge your Mrs. Robinson fantasies.
9.3 I am not fond of organized religion. Please tell me about how Jesus can help save my immortal soul.
9.4 I love animals and have several. If you have allergies, I am the girl for you.
10. The fact that I have taken much of my time to compose this witty ad is not relevant at all, and should in no way be interpreted as possibly a HINT towards what type of man I like. I simple "sounds good i am 26 from long beach with black hair send a pic" is just the type of response I am looking for, and intrigues me to NO end. Please write as little as possible, and for god's sake, don't show me any personality!
I am 30, professional, short, curvy (meaning a little chubby curvy, not 200lbs curvy), and blonde.
Make my day!