I'm looking for someone to move into my apartment so my voicemail and email have been inundated with prospective roommates. As a therapeutic exercise, I have compiled the following list.
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Signs you are not my new roommate:
1) You have called me four times in 24 hours, each time with increasingly frantic anxiety. Contrary to your rambling theories, the reason I am not calling back is not that your message was "so cra-a-ackily" (Were you trying to replicate the crackle sound in some kind of onomatopoetic serenade?) or that my phone wasn't working or I lost your number. It's because I am scared of you. If I am frightened by your voice alone, that is a clear sign: You are not my new roommate.
2) You sign your e-mail "mmm." What is that about? Were you eating a delicious brownie while you typed? I am kind of skeeved out. Therefore: You are not my new roommate.
3) You respond to my statement of "Sorry, I'm allergic to cats" with: "My sweet calico will be coming with me. She sheds a lot, but she's cute!" Not only do you have a cat that is probably not cute at all (I have only ever met one cat I liked), but you are presumptuous and evidently read roommate ads the way I "read" the Wall Street Journal (aka distracted apathetic skimming.) You are not my new roommate.
4) Your accent is too strong for me to make out your phone number. This is nothing personal, but I literally can't return your call because I don't know which number(s) you meant when you said "argez glogbin." You are not my new roommate.
5) You preface your voicemail with: "I know you said you only wanted a female roommate, BUT..." What is hard about this? As tempted as I am by charming overtures like: "hey im a sweet guy from chicago im lookin to leave my building cuz the rent keeps going up maybe we can have fun together, i think we should meet and see how u like me"-- I will not be swayed. You are a boy. Thus... You are not my new roommate.
6) You are clearly female, but leave a voicemail that makes you sound intoxicated and/or romantically interested. "Um, I just, I liked what you had to say in your ad, and I just... want someone, like, really... cool to... be around, and spend time with... you know?" Your drunken, dulcet tones sound like a solicitation for something tawdry. As intriguing as the prospect may be to the male gender... You are not my new roommate.
7) You cite your "borderline obsessive" need for cleanliness in the home. This will not work. My friend Julie once asked to borrow some eyedrops out of my purse and this is what happened: (see below)
No, she does not have magical levitation powers. She's holding the eyedrops up with a hair that was stuck to the bottle with gum. She is also dry heaving. Here's the thing: I was born a colossal slob and am only marginally rehabilitated. In conclusion, you will kill me in my sleep if we live together. You are not my new roommate.
8) You have a three-year-old. Listen, I can't even keep a mini cactus alive, let alone a toddler. I simply cannot have some sort of dependent human creature in my household. Do you want your kid's eyedrops to become encrusted with gum and hair? Didn't think so. You and Tommy are not my new roommates.
9) Your email says: "I want more information about you. So call me tonight after 9:30 pm or tomorrow after 3 pm." I am not taking time-stringent orders from complete strangers at this time. Please try again during my regular business hours. P.S. You are not my new roommate.
10) The 'from' line in your email says "Muffin" even though your name is Amanda and you have a "10-lb schnoodle". I don't know if that is a dog or a giant cookie, or, lord, some sort of bodily appendage, but regardless... You are not my new roommate.