Originally Posted: 2005-09-08 5:05pm
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Rave "My Boyfriend's Sex Tape"
I'm not an experienced motion picture critic, but since I have have more than a passing familiarity with the cast of this stunning production, I feel qualified to discuss the highlights of the film and it's accidental theatrical release. "My Boyfriend's Sex Tape" was an chance discovery. One of those little gems that you stumble on to, have no idea what it might be about, but decide, "What the hell? This might be the video record of Aunt Fran's 60th birthday party that I've been searching for. I'll just check." But, ah, no. The opening montage erased any thoughts of Aunt Fran. Or even any recollection that I have an Aunt Fran. There, on an cinematically sad-looking bed, was sprawled his ex-girlfriend, in all her pasty-white, split-ended, two-inches-of-roots-on-her-already-atrocious-dye-job comeliness. She giggled. She looked demure. She raised her eyes in wonder and a bit of fear, as though it were her first time. What an amazing actress! To convey such wide-eyed virginity when one and all are aware that she is probably the biggest slut known to mankind. At this point I became aware of the music. May I commend the director, my boyfriend, on his unexpected choice of what seemed to be early '90s euro-pop. You might think, "A sex tape? But of course the background would be Barry White! Or perhaps the soulful stylings of some other R&B legend. Or maybe even Aerosmith." But no. I'm quite certain that the background music originated in Eastern Europe, right around the time that Banarama finally made it over there. And then! Then leading man's entrance....what can I say? Was I more bowled over by the fact that my boyfriend had a huge zit on his ass, or by the fact that judging by tan, haircut and approximate fat/muscle ratio this film was made in the not-to-distant past.
Fuck you, asshole. Next time, erase the goddamn thing, hide it (really, really well), or just be a man and tell me the truth.