http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best postings from craigslist.org, selected by readers en-us Copyright 2009, craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best of Craigslist Collection 2009-08-28T01:00:33-06:00 2 daily http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/1346355019.html i was rocking out to buckethead, i noticed you were too. you got to grinding on me, seemed out of place, but then we went out and started making out and one thing lead to another... <br> afterwords you gave me your number but then asked "so whats your moms name?" <br> "excuse me?" <br> "your Moms name" <br> at this point i had already deleted you from my phonebook because i realized that you were fucking weird, but in a good way, i'm pretty sure you were high. <br> <br> Me:that dude that had his penis in your mouth <br> You:crazy cute hippy chick with cool hat and hair that smelled like cinnamon rolls. <br> <br> i wouldn't say this is a missed connection so much as a confusing encounter. <br> i didn't get your name and don't have your number anymore so hit me up sometime mmkay? <br> <br> btw, i thought you were super cute the way you looked kind of shocked/in awe/scared when you saw "me". i know, its an impressive piece of work, not to be cocky (pun intended). <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Denver <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-08-28T01:00:33-06:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/1346355019.html you gave me a bj at the buckethead show tonight - m4w text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/1206617013.html Needed: cone of silence (a la "Get Smart") to extinguish volume of annoying co-worker. This solution is required as it conforms to the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA), it will still allow him to babble forth endlessly, yet keeps me from filling my ears with hot, gooey tar. Any price, really, CraigsList would not allow me to put up $1,000,000, but we can negotiate off-line. Noise-canceling units will also be considered. (maybe a gag ball...) <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Broomfield <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-06-05T09:14:58-06:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/1206617013.html Cone of Silence text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/1188385012.html I have a free couch for anyone who can get it back out of my room. <br> It's a comfy couch, cool stripe velvet in great shape, impossibly uncomfortable sleeper, but otherwise easily worth $50-75 bucks in Craigslist land. <br> <br> So why am I listing in for free? Because I am pretty sure it is physically impossible to remove this thing from my second story bedroom down the narrow hallway, down the narrower staircase and out the front door of my little Victorian duplex. How did we get it up here in the first place? Magic... well, it did involve taking several doors off the hinges, 4 people, and about 3 1/2 hours of cursing the gods. However, I don't feel like doing it all again, and I'm not about to have a stranger (no offense) taking apart my house for a deal on a sofa. <br> <br> So, if you can bend space and miraculously make this thing fit, such powers shall be awarded with a free couch. Likewise, if you can alter time and go back to when we first bought the monstrosity and prevent us from attempting to bring it upstairs in the first place, you shall also have the honor of owning this couch bestowed on you. <br> <br> Or if you lack these powers and still really want it, you can have it... in pieces, BYOS (bring your own saw) <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Denver <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-25T15:56:39-06:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/1188385012.html Free couch, if you can bend time and/or space text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/1182988320.html Ever want a good quality stump you can rest your feet on, relax on, or even eat on? Then we have the best item FOR FREE just for you. Today only come and get your free, newly removed stump. You even get the dirt attached for NO CHARGE. Just cant get any better than this. Please let everyone have a chance for this, serious inquries only. Have a great day, have fun and keep shopping on Craigslist! <br><br><ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> <br><br> <img src="1182988320.jpg"> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-05-21T20:44:01-06:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/1182988320.html Free, Free, Free!!!! text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/1105366521.html Here’s the deal: my girl needs boobs, all you desperados need Red Rocks tickets. <br> <br> Let me start off by saying, I don’t think my girlfriend needs plastic surgery, but she always mentions how she wants a boob job. <br> <br> What does Summer Tour mean to us guys? Summer clothes! This will undoubtedly be a summer tour to remember. As more than 4 years have passed since the last summer tour, lot skanks will be getting their skimp on! Let’s not forget how styles have changed over the last few years as much as the chicks that wore them. Goodbye patchwork pants, hello miniskirts with kicks. All them heady ladies will be getting ready to get loose and bust out their best in tour wear. <br> <br> As much as I want to be a good boyfriend and get her a boob job this benefits everyone. Think about turning the corner to the upper lot of Red Rocks and seeing those fantastic boobs walking towards you, or watching those humongous breasts bounce during the dirty funk of 2001 or how they’ll give you post show masturbation material when your coming down from your Molly high so you can have your own personal Moma dance. <br> <br> My 2 x 4 Day passes for your medical assistance. Help my girl become Queen of the Lot Scene! <br> <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Denver <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-04-03T10:58:37-06:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/1105366521.html Attn: Phish loving Plastic Surgeons, Red Rocks Offer. text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/991889776.html 2 Free very cute, young, rambunctious, healthy, WILD mice. We don’t have it in our hearts to kill the little guys, but alas they’re vermin none the less…..these guys are fast, and, apparently, completely unscathed by, “quick humane death” traps. Maybe you got a mouse maze from one of your kids science/woodshop projects that never really was that entertaining because feeder mice are too dumb and slow…..these little guys are smart (smart enough to figure out how to lick the traps clean of peanut butter repeatedly….) and VERY fast (and they can jump straight up about 8’inches). Theres two, so you can race ‘em and take bets?......maybe you’re the type of sicko that would love to see your cat get a bit of exercise and a treat or two……maybe you’ve a snake who needs a bit more of a challenge than a lab mouse…..or perhaps you’ve taken to falconry and lab mice aren’t worthy quarry for your fine feathered friend……..MAYBE you got a soft spot in your heart and a good place to let these guys go (that’s be awesome, just not by my house). <br> <br> The thing is, I’ve gone to battle nail and tooth with these little bastards for over 2 weeks (cleaned traps, avoided traps, they’ve dodged and antagonized my Jack Russel Terrier, who’s got it out for them something fierce-impressive by itself) <br> Now you’d think that that would make it easy enough for me to just squish them or throw them out, alive in a sealed container into the dumpster…..But, alas, they’ve been formidable foes, leaving me more than impressed on one occasion, and, as my girl says, they’re just so damn cute! So, here I am like Pancho Pilot, wanting only to have my hands clean of the affair, leaving their fate to the rabble (craigslisters) and wanting only peace of mind. <br> <br> Please let me know if you plan to keep them as pets or set them free somewhere more, “rodent-friendly” and you will get priority- but seeing as the current demand (blame the economy) is low for wild mice as pets, they’re more than welcome, and worthy, to be lunch/entertainment for your fiendish God complex- At least they might have a fighting chance, sort of. <br> <br> I'd also like to add; <br> Ive since switched to the oldschool wooden traps- a bit messy and anachronistic, but they really are a quick humane death. <br> <br> and if anyone says peanutbutter is the best way to catch a mouse, they're wrong!!! parmesian cheese is the absolute best, it's irresistable to the little guys!!! <br><br> <img src="991889776.jpg"> <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Denver <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-01-13T17:28:13-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/991889776.html FREE VERMIN!!!! text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/985781557.html So, you've got a great job, a house, a car. Your friends are encouraging and supportive. Your family adores you. Dogs, cats, and children flock to you. <br> <br> But, you're just missing that little something. You just need a little more flavor. Something to keep you on your toes. <br> <br> I've met your type before and I know just what you need. <br> <br> I can provide you with a ration of anxiety attacks, sleep disturbances, and newfound paranoia. I am also willing to upset the most solid of friendships, anger your mother, and challenge your ability to keep your job. I can convince you that you are responsible for my well-being and, despite the havoc I leave in my wake, you will be inexplicably attracted to me. <br> <br> I'm sure you're wondering how I will accomplish this feat. That is not important. My undeniable sex appeal, charm, and natural talent for mayhem will not fail. <br> <br> What you should be asking is why. Why would you want this? Well, you'll be the first to admit that your comfortable life is getting quite dull. Once our courtship ensues you will have a renewed appreciation for the ho-hum. You'll catch glimpses of the life you once had...casual drinks after work, football on Sundays, barbeques in the summertime...and though you'll long for those days, you will feel wounded, crippled, unable to crawl back to that time. Eventually, though, I will feel you've had enough. I will leave you helpless, friendless, and so accustomed to my insatiable sex drive that you will continue to be isolated, frightened, and incapacitated in my absence. A ghost from your past life will find you, just before you turn to hard drugs to soothe your scarred psyche, and will nurse you back to emotional health. <br> <br> This journey, this voyage will create a lifetime of unwavering appreciation for all of the things you had once thought to be dull. Food will taste better. Laughter will be more joyful. Warm human contact will be orgasmic. Plus, you will have an abundance of interesting stories to share with your loved ones. This experience may even lead to a new career as a motivational speaker. <br> <br> Why am I willing to offer this life changing experience? <br> <br> Well, frankly, I really need a good back rub right now. <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Colorado <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2009-01-08T21:02:35-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/985781557.html Allow me to complicate your semi-charmed life text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/851096278.html Why do I love ingrown hairs on my hoo hoo? <br> <br> Simple. <br> <br> Because it means I don’t actually have VD like I thought I might after a little red mountain popped up in Ladytown two weeks after I indulged in one too many whiskey sours and fucked some guy I met at a gay bar. <br> <br> Oh, and shame on you straight dudes for hanging around in homosexual establishments, preying on women who are probably only there in the hopes that they can get wasted without having to put up with your particular brand of sleeze. <br> <br> Seriously. <br> <br> It’s not like Denver isn’t full of bars that are just crawling with hot little 20-somethings who choose to go to meat markets specifically because they’re looking for an easy lay with some nameless, faceless asshat. I know it’s true. I used to be one of those girls. <br> <br> Apparently, old habits die hard. <br> <br> At any rate, those ingrown hairs might be uncomfortable, and you might feel like an idiot after discovering on a frantic visit to your friendly neighborhood Planned Parenthood that you don’t actually have a herpes-ridden twat, but it’s still better than the embarrassment of having to post a missed connections ad because you can’t remember the name of the douchehound who infected you during an alcohol-fueled one-night fuckfest. <br> <br> And please, for love of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, use a condom. <br> <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Uptown <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-09-22T15:17:55-06:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/851096278.html Ingrown Pubes Totally Rule text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/816812526.html Are you in need of an extra kidney? Know of someone who needs one? I have 2 good kidneys which is a little excessive. Ill give you one of them for two tickets to tonight's speech. I live in Denver and tried to get tickets the minute they were announced. Somehow the first come first serve registration did not work since I was put on the waitlist. <br> <br> So, I need two tickets for me and my girlfriend. I have an extra kidney. You take said organ, I take 2 tickets for this historic speech. <br><br> <img src="816812526.1.jpg"> <img src="816812526.2.jpg"> <br><br><ul> <li> Location: Broomfield <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-08-28T11:35:21-06:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/816812526.html I will give you a KIDNEY for 2 OBAMA Tickets for tonights speech! text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/807294694.html YES, you could be the proud new owner of this magnificent piece of equipment!! it is a sovrano brand ball and tee carryall. this brand new, never used piece comes complete with 13 tees, 2 balls and a protective cloth bag. there is a bag on the side for your tees, and a nice perky sack for your balls! <br> i would like to keep this for myself but i already have one and must remain faithful to it. thank you for your interest and have a good day <br><br> <img src="807294694.1.jpg"> <img src="807294694.2.jpg"><br> <img src="807294694.3.jpg"> <br><br><ul> <li> Location: lakewood <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-08-21T20:04:45-06:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/807294694.html FREE BALLSACK/TEEBAG!!!! text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/758927385.html Will be out on front porch at 1:00pm today. Do not come any earlier, they will not be there. <br> Please limit one per person. <br> Do not knock or try to ring the doorbell in hopes of getting an edge on anyone else. NO ONE WILL ANSWER. <br> I am very busy today so I will only be able to repost how many are left every 45 minutes. Please be respectful and do not make a mess. Remember, only one per person please. <br> Also, I will not promise one of them to ANYONE! SO DONT ASK. (Thank the "promising no-shows") for spoiling it for others) <br> I will take them off the porch at 7:00 pm SHARP. Do not try to come later then that. They will NOT be there any more. So don't even try! <br> <br> <br> <br> P.S. The Stick laying next to the sponges on the porch is not for the taking. It is our families marshmallow roasting stick. <br><br><ul> <li> Location: denver <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-17T13:02:18-06:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/758927385.html Sponges (as promised) text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/706959726.html I've got a ton of books my ex-wife left behind when she had to move out. They scream co-dependency, negative body image, self-loathing, and above all, the mindless need to buy what everyone else is buying. If you have a pathetically lost woman in your life, and you want to show her how much you care by giving her some used self-help books, then you've come to the right place. Just a sample of the great titles available FREE OF CHARGE: <br> <br> "Make the Connection" by Bob Greene and Oprah Winfrey. Oprah. That special woman in your life can't complain if you bring her this book. It is against the rules to say anything that, in any way, could be construed as negative about Oprah. <br> <br> "The Zone" Some crappy diet book. <br> <br> "Total Health Makeover" by Marilu Henner. If the original weren't enough, I've got the 30 day version too. I kid you not. She did hang in there on the Celebrity Apprentice for a while... maybe these should go on Ebay... act now before I change my mind! <br> <br> "Love is a Choice" by some psychobabbler or other. I'm too lazy to get up from my chair and I can't read the author from here. I think there's another one up there called "Co-dependent No More". The sad thing is my ex had these books BEFORE we got married... did I heed the giant waving red flags? No, I did not. <br> <br> A bunch of other crappy novels. You know, the kind that are so bad that you can't hardly stand to look at the cover. Now I'm not talking trashy romance novels here. I'm talking about the kind of crap with some cheesy rose on the front that you just know is about some family where the mom gets cancer or something, and there's tons of suffering, and no one gets laid. <br> <br> This ad is absolutely real. These books are available to you, as long as you are willing to pick them up. I won't judge. They could be for a co-worker you think is eating herself to death, your sister-in-law, whatever. Burn them if you want to, I don't really care. Donate them to the bookmobile. Read them to shut-ins. Just get them off my bookshelf so they're not crowding my Tom Clancy novels anymore. Great literature needs room to breathe. <br><br> <ul> <li> Location: West Suburbs <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-06-03T22:50:31-06:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/706959726.html Books for Insecure Women - TONS of them! text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/646663801.html To whomever currently has my beloved fixed gear, you made a really sweet score, but there are some repairs and upgrades you might want to make note of. I know that I was foolish and absent-minded to leave it accidentally unlocked outside the Mt. Sun in Boulder on Sunday, April 6, but now that you've given it a new home, let's talk wrenches: <br> <br> The frame is new, but all the other parts on it I've collected over the years, mostly bought from dear friends and my favorite shops. The rear wheel could use truing, but the old school Mavic CXP30s do hold up well. Rest assured, though, because I did just replace the bearings in the Phil Wood track hub. I even splurged on the ones rated for submersible marine applications so they'll last for years to come.... even if you ride year-round like I do. <br> <br> The Cinelli criterium drop bars are a little bent from when I was working in Denver a few years back and some imbicile in an SUV pulled front-first into a parallel spot and pinched me into a parked car. Despite the bend, they still seem to handle fine. Could use new tape, though. <br> <br> The drive-train is pretty shot. I've used that Race Face chainring for well over 2 years (I bought it from my old messenger shop in Chicago) and it probably has at least 25,000 miles on it. Pretty worn, as is the rear cog. I'd been meaning to replace the whole lot, but had been saving up a little extra cash to drop on real track cranks (you'll find that the FSA 110BCD cranks make it hard to find suitable chainrings.) Good idea to throw a fresh chain on while you're at it! <br> <br> The plastic molding on under the seat is cracked and getting worse. Again, something I'd been wanting to upgrade with a more ergo-friendly design. <br> <br> What else..... Oh yeah, the rear tire is fairly worn, so you'll probably see a flat pretty soon. When you do, you'll clearly notice that I'm pretty OCD about patching tubes, and the rear tube had exactly 20 patches on it last time I checked. (I was hoping to best my P.R. of 22 patches on a single tube. Hope you keep the dream alive!) <br> <br> In case you decided the color wasn't for you, rest assured that the bright yellow powder coat will make a great primer/base for a custom rattle can job. No rust ever! And I also personally sprayed the insides of all the tubes with WD40 to prevent internal corrosion. That's right, this will last you forever. <br> <br> The Wound Up carbon fork is sturdy; no issues there besides finding outdated parts compatible with the 1" threaded setup. The vintage Campy Chorus headset was a gift from my boss, and although the races are a little pitted, it should hold up ok with occasional maintenance. <br> <br> There's a bit of play in the cartridge bearings in the front Miche Pista hub, but not a huge deal. If you get a hold of me, I can give you the new set of bearings I have here at home. I just didn't get around to installing them yet. <br> <br> Anyway, if you would rather have me do the mechanical work, I'm well qualified and would love to get my bike back. Seriously, no questions asked. Or if you know someone who has it, let me know, and no big deal. I'd just like to see my bike again!!! <br> <br> <img src=646663801.1.jpg> <img src=646663801.2.jpg> <br><br> <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: wish I knew :( <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-04-18T00:27:54-06:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/646663801.html in case you have/lifted my yellow track bike..... text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/590724209.html before you hit me with your car. i guess it's not exactly a "missed" connection. i figure i don't have much else to do here in my hospital bed so i'll write you a little note and let you know what i was doing out there alone in the middle of the intersection. basically, i was trying to get to the other side of the street. then i saw you: starry-eyed, entranced with whoever you were talking to on your cell phone. i wished it was me on the other end of that line instead of under your car. i wish we could've met some other way or even at all for that matter. i don't blame you for just driving away; not noticing the unconcious speed bump that loves you. you're not ready for this and i'm not sure i am either. i do know this . . . if you're interested maybe we could meet up next month when i'm released and i could help clean up some of the blood i think i might have accidentally spurted onto your vehicle. maybe we could get dinner or something. i'll drive.<!-- START CLTAGS --> <br><br><!-- DO NOT EDIT these unless you're really feeling brave and want your posting messed up. You have been warned. --> <ul class="blurbs"> <li> <!-- CLTAG GeographicArea=boulder -->Location: boulder <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> <!-- END CLTAGS --> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-02-28T23:54:53-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/590724209.html i almost crossed the street ... - m4w text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/588567246.html Isn't it funny how most w4m ads are like checklists of requirements. These women think finding a guy is like ordering a sandwich - a little more height please, easy on the love of sports, and can you throw in a weekend house in the mountains and a willingness to support some other guy's children? <br> <br> If men wrote their m4w ads the same way, we would expect to see something like this: <br> <br> Looking to meet the woman of my dreams. Someone who appreciates me for who I am. I love big TV's, big trucks, baseball caps, and wife-beater tanks. I love going out with my friends to get drunk at strip clubs too. I'm looking for a nice woman who is not looking to jump into a relationship too soon but who knows what it means to be sexy and take care of her partner. Please no BBW's (sorry) but you won't look good on my arm when I wear a white t-shirt. <br> <br> You must love dogs and my beer can collection, my dogs, my cans, and I are a package, so if you're not into them then please move on. I like to let all 6 of my dogs sleep in my bed with me, so hopefully you don't have a problem with that. <br> <br> Deal breakers: <br> likes to shop too much <br> obsessed with height (i am short) <br> fat <br> talks about yourself too much <br> neediness <br> always wanting to talk about the relationship <br> small breasts (sorry, there is nothing sexier than grabbing onto a nice pair) <br> doesnt like to cook for her man <br> bossiness <br> nagging <br> always wanting to get up early in the morning <br> fat <br> intolerance of me and my habits <br> pressure to have kids <br> <br> <br> Turn ons: <br> thin <br> large breasts (very sexy) <br> quiet <br> beer drinker <br> has her own friends and won't try to make me watch chick flicks <br> smells good <br> likes football <br> doesn't expect me to pay all the time <br> intelligent but not too intelligent (i dont like nerdy girls) <br> rich father <br> thin <br> doesn't have a relationship calendar, i.e. doesnt wonder after 3 months if we are going in the right direction. <br> <br> Can you find me a woman like that??? LOL <br> <br> <br> <!-- START CLTAGS --> <br><br><!-- DO NOT EDIT these unless you're really feeling brave and want your posting messed up. You have been warned. --> <ul class="blurbs"> <li> <!-- CLTAG GeographicArea=Reality -->Location: Reality <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> <!-- END CLTAGS --> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-02-27T08:51:19-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/588567246.html If men wrote m4w ads like women wrote w4m ads text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/556084417.html <br> <br> Imagine yourself working for a bakery. You are a good baker and the boss initially hires you in at 500 dollars a week plus a loaf of bread a day to take home. He likes your work ethic and makes you an unofficial partner of sorts in the business. <br> <br> You work hard, are a good employee and bring the shop some income. You are a part of the team and life is good. Then one day, after your first year or so, the boss says, "I need to cut back on the bread you take home, so you can only have one loaf every other day." Time goes on and a while later the boss says that he can only give you a loaf of bread to take home twice a week. "The bread, he says, "is a bonus and not an obligation on my part." Finally the boss says he can only give you a loaf a week and two years later he cuts that down to your birthday or the anniversary of the store opening. All the while you as the employee are continuing to work hard and make the boss money and are being a true team player. <br> <br> One day the boss says to you, "I need to cut your salary by one hundred dollars a week." In addition, you are noticing that the boss is giving you the cold shoulder more and listening to your ideas for making the shop successful less. The boss is constantly on your ass about trivial stuff. You and the boss have a relationship that has gone to shit. But the boss keeps you around because he knows you are helping to make him and the business money. You know sales and profit have gone up since you started working there. <br> <br> You are by this time getting miserable working there I imagine. <br> <br> So, walking home from work one day, the owner of a different bakery stops you. He says, "Listen, I noticed you used to carry a loaf of bread home every day and now you don't. I want you to try my bread and see what you think, here's a free loaf. If you like it great, if you think you can help me make better bread, I will hire you on the spot. As a matter of fact, I will make you an equal partner and if we ever disagree we can split any profits we have made right down the middle. Your salary will be 600 dollars a week plus profit sharing. I have seen how your boss treats you and I think you deserve better. You are a great baker, I have seen you in action and people rave about your bread and skills. Oh, one more thing, you can take as much bread home as you like, whenever you like." <br> <br> Do you really think you'd NOT take the other guy up on his offer? <br> <br> All you people busting the OP's chops on this one are failing to realize that his wife is cheating him as well. If she was having wild ass monkey sex and giving him head on a regular basis before they got married and right after he tied the knot and now all of a sudden has changed the deal without giving him an explanation, SHE is as big of a cheat as he is considering becoming. Men don't get married in order to NOT have sex. Men get married to have sex with the same woman for the rest of their lives. <br> <br> For you idiots out there who will say it is her body and she doesn't "owe" him a blow job or he is not "entitled" to sex when he wants it, well, it is his dick and if she has a right to hold out because it is her body, he has a right to do what he wants to with HIS body and get "it" somewhere else.<!-- START CLTAGS --> <br><br><!-- DO NOT EDIT these unless you're really feeling brave and want your posting messed up. You have been warned. --> <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> <!-- END CLTAGS --> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-01-29T16:03:46-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/556084417.html RE: BJ and cheating? text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/540426625.html Today I had the unpleasant experience of shopping for new bras. You must understand that I do this only under extreme duress. I don’t like shopping for anything (I know, unusual for a woman apparently), but shopping for brassieres is the worst of the worst. When I find one that actually fits, I buy like a zillion so I don’t have to go shopping for them for at least a decade. However, I’ve lost a lot of weight recently, which necessitated said shopping trip. <br> <br> Suffice it to say that I have big boobs. Real boobs, too. No baggies filled with gelatinous substances inserted here! But now my size D boobs are only size C boobs, which although smaller, are still plenty big. I am not fat. My boobs are not billowing rolls of lard. They're just plain ol' big. I should also point out that I am fairly tall, 5’ 9” to be exact. Evidently, these physical features seem to render fitted lingerie a near impossibility. Unfortunately, women with big hooters don’t have the luxury of walking around braless. If we did, our tits would eventually hang down to our navels, much like those tribal women in the National Geographic magazines. No thanks. Bras are a must. <br> <br> So, after rifling through rack after rack of bras of every shape, size and color imaginable hanging on those stupid little hangers that get caught on each other, other bras, your sleeve, your purse, or whatever else comes in close contact with them, I came to believe that men and men alone design bras. <br> <br> Therefore, this rant goes out to those dipshit male bra designers. If you men had boobs, you’d understand how frustrating it is to buy a decent fitting bra, but since men only have balls, allow me to enlighten you. <br> <br> First of all, whatever inspired you to believe that a woman wants a piece of inflexible wire shoved under her boobs for ‘support’? Is it some kind of latent, sadistic desire to torture women? Let’s put that same wire in your whitey tighteys and see how much you like having a piece of wire grinding on your balls every time you move. How you’ve managed to flood the market with these instruments of torture is beyond my understanding. Excuse me, but my boobs, nor any other woman’s boobs, needs to be supported by a piece of fencing. Although in your primordial brain you may think of boobs as udders, we are not cattle and our boobs do not need to be corralled. Thank you very much, asswipe. <br> <br> I realized today that male bra designers prefer small boobs. I can prove that because it is nearly impossible for anyone with big boobs to find a bra that is even remotely attractive. For those of us who are well endowed, it seems that bras are for utilitarian purposes only, that is, to hold those boulders up where they belong. No, instead of those cute, colorful bras for the tiny-titty-B-cup-and-under set, we get white, black or tan (and sometimes pink!!) industrial strength bras whose only embellishment might be some itchy lace. Let’s put some of that lace on your y-fronts, shall we, boys? And let’s not forget to mention that these same behemoths have shoulder straps that could double as seatbelts. Jesus fucking Christ. Have some imagination, will you? <br> <br> It has taken decades for women’s clothing to come in tall sizes, but finally it is possible for those of us in the high altitude zone to wear jeans that don’t stop at the ankle and shirts whose sleeves aren’t all ‘three-quarter’ length. Halle-fucking-luiah! So, now that we’ve come this far, why the hell haven’t any of you moron male bra designers figured out that tall women have long bodies, therefore, it might be a good idea to extend the length of the shoulder straps? Imagine yourself walking around with your whites pulled up your ass all day. That’s what it’s like. Is it your cheapass frugality? I mean, really, how much can a couple extra inches of seatbelt strapping cost? Dickweeds. <br> <br> I believe that you shit-for-brains male bra designers imagine that every woman has boobs like Barbie’s. It probably relates back to your childhood when you hid in the closet with your sister’s Barbies, perversely stroking those enormous plastic tits. Let’s face it, Barbie has some pretty perky knockers, but it begs the question: Have any of you imbeciles ever seen any real tits? THEY ARE NOT POINTED!!!!! And furthermore, real boobs can’t be squeezed into points! So why do you design bras that could pop balloons, fucktards? Does anyone have deformed enough boobs to wear one of those monstrosities? Oh that’s right! Barbie does! Jesus Christ. <br> <br> Okay, I’m done ranting. I feel better now. Thanks for listening, Craigslisters! By the way, for the record, after an hour of trying on a multitude of brassieres, I managed to find ONE that fit, although it looks like a seat cover for an F-150 with obligatory seatbelt straps – white, of course. Swell. Just swell. <br> <!-- START CLTAGS --> <br><br><!-- DO NOT EDIT these unless you're really feeling brave and want your posting messed up. You have been warned. --> <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> <!-- END CLTAGS --> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-01-15T18:09:14-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/540426625.html If Men Had Boobs text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/506037315.html Here's the thing, I'm trying to clean up my life, but I've got to get rid of all the drugs from my past. So last night, as I was trying to empty all my stuff into the garbage, my wife came out and started trying to rip it out of my hands. Needless to say, and argument ensued, and soon the neighbors were in on it too. <br> <br> We all stood there, arguing over what to do with the dope I wanted to throw out, when suddenly, my neighbor tried to rip in out of my hands. Now, I've got a serious problem. <br> <br> The bag ripped and the white powder went EVERYWHERE. I mean, it's all over the lawn, the driveway, up and down the street. There's just a bunch of dope out there lying on the street. I'm terrified that the cops will come at any minute. <br> <br> I mean, this stuff is thick, we're talking several inches just covering everything on the whole street. <br> <br> So, Free dope, come one come all, bring your straws, your needles whatever, but PLEASE bring a shovel, you can have all of the powder from my driveway, my sidewalks, and even the grass if you promise to be gentle, but bring a TRUCK. There's a lot of this and I don't want any left behind. <br> <br> First come, first served. Also, my neighbors have offered to let you have the powder on their property as well. <br> <br> Near Southwest Plaza, email for directions. Hurry, an offer like this won't last long. (And I'm worried the cops are coming, so come QUICK).<!-- START CLTAGS --> <br><br><!-- DO NOT EDIT these unless you're really feeling brave and want your posting messed up. You have been warned. --> <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> <!-- END CLTAGS --> webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-12-11T12:26:55-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/506037315.html Free BLOW!! text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/493689524.html Hi, I know thats strange one. I want a guy who looks like link. from the game. I thought to myself that I might as well be honest. I look like zelda, so why not ask for it? who knows.. I know theres a guy like that. So if you think you look like link, the blonde skater cut, and light eyes look email me. Im a simple chick who loves zelda. I know thats a corney one to ask but heck we might as well be honest as to what we like? am I right? I want a guy like that and a guy who is romantic and believes in chilvary, love, old school ways, and doesnt have a problem with european culture. Thanks a bunch!!! If I like you, and you have a pic, ill email you back. PS I WILL NOT RESPOND to guys without FACE SHOTS. period. Thankyou for understanding. Im not a body chick. more a face and Please only guys 30 and below. And please do not email me rude comments... this world has too many jerks and I delete them and report to the authorities. Its extreme I know But please have respect.<!-- START CLTAGS --> <p> <img src="493689524.jpg"> <br><br><!-- DO NOT EDIT these unless you're really feeling brave and want your posting messed up. You have been warned. --> <ul class="blurbs"> <li> <!-- CLTAG GeographicArea=greeley -->Location: greeley <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> <!-- END CLTAGS --> webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-11-29T17:09:15-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/493689524.html LOOKING FOR LEGEND OF ZELDA LINK>>> IF HES OUT THERE text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/492214809.html Have you ever been in one of those moods where you’re completely, utterly pissed off, but there’s no single reason? Just a million little things that decide to save themselves up for a good month and hit you all at once, but you happen to be in a completely intolerant mood to top it off? <br> <br> Of course you have. You work in an office. <br> <br> (note: I just spilled a juicy chunk of pineapple on my pants, which bounced off and hit my shoes for added effect before picking up half the lint on the floor) <br> <br> Now don’t get me wrong, sure it could be worse. You could be a starving kid in a third world country, you could have cancer, a doberman could have bit your nuts off. Your keyboard could have arbitrarily decided to write over any corrections you make to a pointless rant instead of inserting them, making you have to type every sentence again. It doesn’t matter that you know how to fix it, because your computer has decided that it’s smarter than you today and will not let you. Your email that you just copied and pasted from an unformatted text document decided to triple space everything, put it in wingdings font, and turn it blue for the hell of it. <br> <br> But hey, unlike this computer that thinks it’s a human in a pretentious abstract art school, we actually are human, and we’ve been granted the greatest gift of all: the gift of incessant bitching. <br> <br> In the spirit of this incessant bitching, I’m picking an arbitrary rant out of the thousand things that have mildly bugged me in the last 24 hours: the local news. <br> <br> Last night at about 7:00, a man with caps on his teeth and hair that looks like it should be stuck to the top of a Lego man informed me that it may or may not snow, and he’ll give me the answer at 10:00. This pixelated man looks me straight in the eyes from MY OWN TELEVISION that I paid for WITH MY OWN MONEY, this guy who’s salary I pay for by being exposed to Beyonce telling me to switch to cable (which I’m already on), and those horrible Jared commercials, the J.G. Wentworth guy, the seemingly innocent Money Tree caterpillars that are demons from the foulest pits of hell, charging 742% interest in states they can get away with it in (no exaggeration), and those awful credit score commercials. "I’m thinking of a number. Do you know what it is?" <br> <br> Yes. I do know what it is. It’s 53,289, and it happens to be how many times it feels like you’ve inflicted your androgynous presence on this house. <br> <br> But I digress. This hair helmet newscaster looks me right in the eyes and lies. He’s not going to tell me whether it’s going to snow at 10:00. Oh, no. That would be far too easy. He’s going to tell me at 10:00 what kind of pumpkin harvest farmer Joe had a month ago, and then he’s going to delve into some heavily biased politics, and then he’s going to tell me that he’ll reveal this magical snow secret after the commercial break. <br> <br> Beyonce tells me to switch to cable again, having not heeded my prior notifications. J.G. Wentworth Guy asks me if my hope is starting to fade. Viagra people tell me that I’m a geriatric and can’t get a boner. I can only imagine what they tell women. Credit Score Guy asks me about number 53,290. <br> <br> And then the news comes back on. <br> <br> Bush, Iraq, pretty white girl hasn’t called parents in over six hours, "Snow may be on the way – we’ll tell you how much to expect! After the commercial break." <br> <br> Curse your scaly hide Beyonce! Fuck YOU, Credit Score Guy! (53,291) No, I do NOT need an artificially inflated piece of compressed carbon that is built on the blood of Africans and is controlled by a monopoly. Beyonce? AGAIN? TWICE? IN ONE BREAK? I finally understand that personality is genuinely more attractive than looks, because she has somehow transformed from this gorgeous vixen to a blood sucking chupucabra in a mere week. Is it really necessary to have four topless guys dancing in perfect synchronicity with her while she yet again stares me in the eyes and tries to sell me cable? And why does everyone have to stare me in the eyes when they’re trying to sell something? I pay about a hundred bucks a month for this lousy cable, and this is what they do with the profits? <br> <br> It would appear that part of Dante’s Inferno was lost with time. He claimed that there are only nine circles of hell, relating to pagans, lust, gluttons, material good obsessions, sloth, heretics, the violent, fraudulent, and betrayers. Maybe it was due to an early translation, but what was missing is the lowest level of hell, reserved as a special place for those that appear twice in one commercial break. <br> <br> The news comes back on. Clinton, Obama, Giuliani. Which one sucks the most? We’ll tell you tomorrow at ten. <br> <br> And finally, at 10:55, sweet release: "It looks like it might snow tonight or tomorrow. Somewhere between zero and infinity inches." Apparently they've hired Captain Obvious to do the weather forecasting. "Thanks for watching your ten o’clock news, we’ll see you tomorrow night." <br> <br> Oh no. No, you will not see me tomorrow night. You will not see me ever again, ten o’clock news. We’re officially broken up. Now pack your crap and get the hell out of here, and if you come within a hundred yards of me I’m calling the police. I’ve stolen everything that’s important to you and will incinerate it all tomorrow at 9:45. I’ll tell you where you can pick up the ashes at ten. Your signed poster of Tony Danza is yours to keep. <br> <!-- START CLTAGS --> <br><br><!-- DO NOT EDIT these unless you're really feeling brave and want your posting messed up. You have been warned. --> <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> <!-- END CLTAGS --> webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-11-28T11:10:55-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/492214809.html The local ten o'clock news text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/481172612.html Dear Cockless Fuckmuppet,<p> I want to express my most sincere appreciation of your tremendous efforts to hack my Myspace account. My friends and I thoroughly enjoyed the well-crafted spam I left in their comment boxes, courtesy of you. Seems that fourth grade education and relentless dedication to computer porn is really paying dividends eh?, Your father and the goat he impregnated that blissful drunken night behind the barn must be overwhelmed with pride.<p> Seriously brother, you need some help. Fortunately for you, I be in the givin’ mood. Y’know, tis the season an all that. <p> Here we go.<p> First, turn off your grandmother’s computer. Yes, I realize this will mean a temporary interruption of your marathon ‘watching child pornography while rectally pleasuring yourself with the back end of a Mag-light’ session but bear with me here. This is apt to contain words with multiple syllables so you’ll need all the concentration you can get. <p> Second, close your eyes. (Ignore the images of the dark, rubber-gloved figure creeping up to your childhood bed to love you in ways you were forbidden to ever speak of. With enough therapy and an incredible amount of medication they’ll eventually fade out). <p> Ok now wait a minute. You hear those words resonating somewhere beneath the suppressed memories and latent homosexuality? Those words are called thoughts. (It’s perfectly ok to be a little frightened as these will be utterly unfamiliar to you but don’t sweat it, everybody has them). What you are doing right now is called THINKING! Don’t worry, it becomes easier with practice. I’d stock up on Tylenol though if I were you. (Were I you, I’d also stock up on razor blades and draino but that’s a whole ‘nother letter)<p> Congratulations, that’s all there is to it! Now armed with this new found weapon you should be able to (say it with me now) THINK of a more productive way to spend your time than phish for account passwords using internet spam. I hear the fast food industry is booming this time of year. With a liberal amount of training and some good ol’ fashioned hard work, you may just be qualified to work the drive through! How’s that sound, huh? Drive through? In time you could even move up as far as the french fry machine, but we’re getting a bit ahead of ourselves here. One retard limp at a time, brotha.<p> If all else fails, you can always pass the time seeing how many paper clips you can fit into the wall outlet. <p> Finally, I would like to like to express my relief that the chances of your actually having children are about even with Stephen Hawking’s odds of choking out Chuck Lidell. Though I’m sure your immense collection of inflatable sex animals is a tremendous aphrodisiac, nothing short of knocking an elderly hooker unconscious with a sack full of gold is likely to get you laid. Darwin wins again! Hooray!<p> In closing, I wish you nothing but dick cancer,<p> -B-<!-- START CLTAGS --> <br><br><!-- DO NOT EDIT these unless you're really feeling brave and want your posting messed up. You have been warned. --> <ul class="blurbs"> <li> <!-- CLTAG GeographicArea=Straight on till morning -->Location: Straight on till morning <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> <!-- END CLTAGS --> webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-11-16T17:58:27-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/481172612.html To: The Douchenugget who hacked my Myspace account. With love, Moi. text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/446210922.html I am a man in my 40s and dating. I was married and against my wishes the marriage ended. I loved my wife deeply, she decided she no longer loved me and she wasn't "happy". So, now I date. I didn't ask to be in my 40s and single, but reality being what it is I live with it. <br> <br> I have no plans to ever get married again. I might have a steady girlfriend if the occasion arises, but she'd have to be pretty damn spectacular for me to make that leap. I have had all my children, I am financially secure and have a plan for myself that is better done without a typical American woman's bullshit to goof it up. I don't hate women at all by the way, I just know what is worth my time and what isn't. <br> <br> I date for the occasional bit of company and to occasionally have sex, that's about it. I don't need a woman in my life full time. I can cook and clean, etc, etc. If I wanted full time companionship, I'd get a dog. Dog's are much easier to deal with than women at this point in my life. Call me shallow, etc etc whatever, that's fine with me. I know me a helluva lot better than anyone else does. <br> <br> I do have some rules for dating. Since I am not a horny, partying twenty something or a desparate to have kids thirty something these rules work for me. I think everyone ought to come up with what works for them, keeping the reality of their particular situation in mind. <br> <br> My personal rules: <br> <br> 1. I never seriously date a woman who terminated her last relationship because she wasn't "happy". Happiness is an emotional response to external stimuli. To break the vow of "til' death do us part" over an emotional state that may or may not be another person's fault, is shallow and shows a lack of emotional maturity. It tells me that woman is too self absorbed to be a reliable partner in the future. <br> <br> 2. I don't date fat women. Sorry, all you "BBWs"; get a grip on reality. If you are walking around looking like you have a beer keg stuffed in your pants, you don't give a shit about yourself, so I really don't expect you to give a shit about me in the long run. Don't give me that crap about how happy you are with yourself, you're not and we both know it. If you and I had fallen in love twenty years ago, gotten married and had a family and you had put on the weight, I would still be with you, but we didn't and so I see no need to accommodate your lack of character and discipline. <br> <br> 3. I won't seriously consider dating a woman who has a lot of hangups about sex. Since I have had all my children, since I can cook and clean and make a damn good living for myself and my children, you bring nothing to the table I need in the traditional sense. Hell, most women can't or won't cook a decent meal anymore and are as a general rule clueless in regard to the domestic arts. If you have a lot of hangups about sex before we are monogamous, I pretty much see the writing on the wall after we have been together for a while. You might not like it, but sex is important to men, yes actually, it IS mostly about sex. Now that we are all well educated as to the dangers of unprotected sex, STDs and birth control, I don't see the problem. Your pussy is not the only one in the universe and it isn't plated with gold. If you won't have sex with a man, one of your slutty sisters around the corner will. <br> <br> 4. Feminists. I don't date women who are avowed feminists with a "you go girl" mentality. Sorry, but your little movement fucked things up in a major way. I think women ought to vote, receive equal pay for equal work etc. etc. I do have enough sense to recognize that whether by design or chance, men and women are different and since I think that form follows function there is a reason for our differences. I don't want to be around a woman who wants to prove to me she is as good as I am at "man" stuff. It is annoying. It makes you look stupid and insecure. <br> <br> 5. "Independent" women. I never date a woman who feels the need to tout her own independence. First, independent entities by definition do not want or need to be in any type of union with another entity. When the United States declared independence from Great Britain, we dissolved the ties that had connected us to the British. I myself am independent and feel no need to tell everyone about it. It is called being an adult. Being able to take care of yourself doesn't make you special, it makes you "grown folks". Second, if you are that independent, why are you looking for a relationship in the first place? Independence is the opposite of dependence and being able to depend on others is why we get into relationships of any kind in the first place. <br> <br> 6. Women who spend every weekend perched on a barstool. I don't date these over the hill party girls because as an adult male, I know why men go to bars and clubs and as a mature adult woman you ought to as well. If you do know and still sit there every weekend you are trying to be something you aren't (young, unless you are a drunk) and I have no desire to be with a woman who lives in a fantasy world. If you haven't figured out why men go to bars and clubs and you are sitting there hoping to meet prince charming, you are clueless and I like to think the women I date have a modicum of intelligence. <br> <br> 7. I don't date women who have their children full time. Might come across as a shitty attitude to have, but I see no need to be a full time father to someone else's children and a part time father to my own. This is a personal preference I developed after having discussions with my own children. Mine have been through enough already, I'm the Dad and feel I am doing what is best for my children, they were here first. <br> <br> 8. Anyone who is fanatical about much of anything. If you are religious fanatic, I too believe in God. I have a degree in Theology as a matter of fact, but as far as I can tell, God didn't assign any woman at anytime to be my moral gatekeeper. He did tell you to be "keepers at home", if you are so caught up in church work that you are making your family the second priority in your life you aren't following your own rule book. I digress, fanaticism of any kind is a psychological addiction and I prefer to spend my time with people who lead a well balanced life. Addiction of any kind is a turn off. <br> <br> 9. Overly materialistic. My preference. I grew up dirt poor and have by hard work gotten myself to a pretty good spot in life. If you have a desire and need to get the latest and greatest and keep up with the Jones family, you aren't for me. I see no need to potentially work myself into an early grave to keep you in shiny trinkets and new cars. I am pretty content with a pot of beans and a nice clean, comfortable house in a decent neighborhood and a vehicle that works and is safe. If $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ is what motivates you, I am not mad at you or knocking you for it, I am personally not interested. No, I am not "poor", it is about priorities. <br> <br> <br> There ya go. Don't know why I posted this. Saw the comments about people in their 40s dating and this is what came to mind. I have no real interest in getting into another permanent relationship. I am content to spend the rest of my life single, but that works for me. <br> <br> <br> For those disparaging the over 40 dating crowd, even 40 somethings get lonely at times, some more than others. Some of those people are there through no fault of their own. they were and are good men and women who had an ex get middle aged crazy and left a good man or woman behind to chase after something they thought they were missing. Maybe the other person was an abusive asshole or addict and the one who is single had to leave for any number of reasons. All sorts of reasons people over 40 are single. Keep breathing and you might find yourself there some day.<!-- START CLTAGS --> <br><br><!-- DO NOT EDIT these unless you're really feeling brave and want your posting messed up. You have been warned. --> <ul class="blurbs"> <li> <!-- CLTAG GeographicArea=COS -->Location: COS <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> <!-- END CLTAGS --> webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-10-11T11:29:34-06:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/446210922.html RE: 40's and dating text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/439107038.html Well ok, I really didn't know where to post this, but I figure everyone reads these, so why not here: <br> <br> I have a serious serious serious mouse infestation. I saw a herd (correct terminology? - pack maybe?) of mice cross my living room last week. So you know, I went out and bought two different kinds of mouse traps. <br> <br> Well it turns out we have smart mice, that know how to remove peanut butter from a mouse trap without dying. I think they laughed at the traps we put out. They are not afraid of us. They join us for dinner, watch while we cook, and I think they really like our TV - seeing as how they always run from couch to couch while we are in there. (on said couches) <br> <br> In the last 15 hours my roommates and I have probably seen 15-20 mice, we even saw one jump straight up about 1 1/2 feet into this tiny ass crack next to our dishwasher. <br> <br> Did you know that a mouse can "Can jump from a standing position up to 12 inches from the floor; can jump from a running start up to 38 inches, can use vertical surfaces as a spring board to gain additional height, and can jump downward 8 feet to the floor" <br> <br> He was motivated though, seeing us armed with golf clubs... Wouldn't you know that tiny ass crack leads to a gaping hole under our sink - AKA MOUSE LAIR <br> <br> We have established this is their primary gateway into our world. The mouse traps have been repositioned appropriately. Yet we have no dead mice. They laugh at our meager attempts to stop their inevitable takeover. These are smart little bastards. <br> <br> My roommates and I were all happy that our bedrooms were upstairs - ha! yeah right, we only saw 5 mice upstairs in our bedrooms, this morning! <br> <br> So anyway, our landlord feels that poison will take care of our infestation, we however feel the situation is a little more drastic. I mean do you like going to sleep listening to mice and waking up seeing mice?? I am only eating canned food until we fix our problem. Seriously I bet these guys eat poison for snacks. <br> <br> Anyway, that is why we have a missed a connectio with your cat. I need to borrow/babysit/whatever your cat. I prefer cats that like to eat mice, at all times. So you know if you are going on vacation and need a catsitter, I am your girl! <br> Your girlfriend got some annoying ass new furball you really just want out of the house for a few days a week so she will pet you instead of her new cat, I am your girl! <br> You want your cat to feel loved while you are at work, I will stay home and pay him the attention he deserves - free cat daysitting! <br> You need to de-fur your house, send your cat to me! I will love and pet and take care of your cat while it de-mouses my house. Your cat will return to you happy and full of my mice. I will pay for his food during his stay (although who are we kidding, I already have plenty, as long as he likes mouse flavor) <br> <br> So come on come all with your cats for free cat sitting/borrowing!! <br> <br> If you have any other ideas for my quest of mouse-death-apoolza-2007 please let me know as I am open to any options. Hell if you have a dog that likes mice I will even babysit your dog! or snake (non-poisonous only please) or whatever you have that eats/kills/destroys/obliterates mice. I will try an exterminator if I have to, but I feel they are better options - although time is running out, they may take over soon. <br> <br> I'm scared <br> <br> One more thing, my roommates and I have considered setting up a bb gun shooting range in our house to help the problem. So if you own a bb gun and think you can shoot a fast grey mouse that can jump 38inches feel free to come over and release some stress - if you kill three mice admission is free, otherwise the charge is one 6-pack of decent beer. <br> <br> Please help us before our entire house becomes the 'mouse lair' <br> <br> <br> <br> <!-- START CLTAGS --> <br><br><!-- DO NOT EDIT these unless you're really feeling brave and want your posting messed up. You have been warned. --> <ul class="blurbs"> <li> <!-- CLTAG GeographicArea=denver -->Location: denver <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> <!-- END CLTAGS --> webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-10-03T12:55:57-06:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/439107038.html my house mice have a missed connection with your cat - seriously text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/415707529.html First and Foremost: I work for the President (Ummm the light bulb inventor) Benjamin Franklin…. <br> <br> Rants from an upscale Denver Escort who started at the bottom…the agency…. <br> P.S Anyone writing me hate notes after reading this....then it must apply to you, and if you are the wife of one of these idiots and bitter...I am sorry...we are all a little bitter. <br> This is a rant that has built up over the course of a year, and that must now be said. I cost too much for the freaks to seek me out now…. And I may run across you guys again…but you are memorable…enough for me to seek therapy anyways. <br> <br> On with the RANTS! <br> <br> Issue #1: <br> <br> I have to voice this in the loudest possible way because I STILL get it…and I quote “I’m only here to please you, tell me what you like…that’s all I want…” barf, barf, barf….If you gave me what I wanted it would be 5 bills and your back, on the way out the door. Why are clients SO damn concerned with ‘making me cum’? The fact that they say they are only there to please me really really annoys the shit out of me. They are there to masturbate into me, and this is VERY different, ladies and gentlemen, from making love with your significant other. So guy’s please who the fuck are you kidding? We are emotional creatures, and just a little more complicated then just you plugging away at us and expecting for us to ‘cum’. Gross <br> <br> Let’s just say ENOUGH with the solemn face and ‘serious talk’ after the session. You insisted I not put a raincoat on you when my mouth went down to the unknown, we wore protection (as I always do), and yet after the session you say “I’m OK right……?.....your clean?” Let’s define ‘clean’ as you put it. Do I take showers everyday? Yes. Do I get STD tested every 3 months? Yes. Do I always use condoms? Yes. Did I see 10 other clients that same week or even day as you? Yes. And 98% all went down on me. Now, even if I was completely honest with you, I can almost swear all those guys I saw in just this last week were not completely honest with me. Do I know this and still take the risk? Yes, and I am still an escort. I know stats, and educate myself immensly on health safety issues…sounds like you don’t but still see me….hmmmm…there has to be some level of responsibility that you take on when you see me….GET IT FUCK STICK? <br> <br> NO, you cannot fuck me without a condom. (Fact: I get this question about 1/50 people)…And needless to say THAT IS FUCKING GROSS! How many other escorts have you asked this question, that actually LET YOU!!?? You know what this means to me? That you have NOTHING to lose…as in for example “well shit I have _________(insert v.d here) already so why the hell not?” and that is fucking scary. <br> <br> Fact: 90% of the men I see ARE married. (and quite honestly we probably make them better husbands, there wives don’t have to fuck them…they pay us…everyone is happy!) <br> <br> And I quote again “ I’m married…..is that ok?” Why would it matter fuckstick? It’s preferred. It hopefully means you have a life and will leave me the fuck alone after the session. Plus, how insulting is that question. As if I escort to find meaningful relationships with trustworthy men. Note to every dumb shit out there….I am not looking for single men to date, better if you are involved. <br> <br> I don’t care if other girls like it or “actually prefer it” (or that bullshit line you are feeding me), you CANNOT cum on my face, around it, in my mouth, or even near it. Put your legs up on the wall and flip them by your head, that way you can shoot it at your own face ya dip shit. <br> <br> To the guys who have escorts girlfriends: Quit fucking acting like you have me all figured out. Do not lump me into the category of your trashy escort girlfriend who charges $200/hr. for full service. And goes by the handle “_________(insert name here) of Denver”. I charge $500 minimum now, because after the year of being at the bottom I now understand my self worth. She has been in the business 10 years and you think she is a top provider…..quit making me laugh. My chosen name also has a bit more thought process to it….then debbie does denver. Do not think you ‘know’ the escort community. If you and her have fucked up underlying problems because you know she fucks SOO MANY guys (gotta make those dollars) to support your loser ass…well don’t take it out on me. You’re a fuckin idiot. <br> <br> Ok guys, hygiene talk. Your breath smells of dog shit, maybe you know who you are…maybe not. BUT Guys please please please brush your teeth, wear deordant. Also when we are in missionary and your fat, short, bald-headed self is sweating to death on top of me, remember, I don’t like it you have no hair to refrain your sweat from falling in my god damn face. Drape a sweat towel over your shoulders, that way when your half-way done jacking off inside me you can wipe your face and save me from your disgusting sweat fluids dropping all over my face! <br> <br> Farting is disgusting and unacceptable on my part, but…then why do you do it? How fucking old or drunk are you that you don’t even say excuse me when you break wind?? Next time one of you assholes tries to lick my ass again, I’m cutting one loose. I already told you to keep your fingers and tounge out of my ass (for your own good, I have irritable bowel syndrome, no joking) but yet you persist. My IBS is so bad sometimes. I do have gas and bloat myself to hold it and, it does not help you are prying down there. SO just try not to be such an asshole. <br> <br> Oh yes….dry fingers HURT. Did you actually think over the last 2 minutes you gave me a wet slicky down there? Once I saw you I knew only alcohol would get me remotely turned on, and since you provided NONE of that, stop trying to shove your dry ass fingers in my gine. It’s called Lube, fuck stick. <br> <br> I HATE HATE HATE men which big lizard size dicks. You could say I have a smaller vagina, or even a short canal. But I have been split before while you ram away and it puts me out of work for at least a week. Your blacklisted you fuck heads, I don’t like to be gutted or feel like my insides are bruising while you pound away with that meaty cock of yours. I hate you. If you came in 2 minutes, I think I would be fine….BUT noooo your stupid ass must have taken viagara so you could ‘last’ the ENTIRE goddamn time. Listen asshole, no one fucks the ENTIRE time. It’s not normal. If they did my pussy would fucking fall off….all you big guys out there..you only get 2 minutes before I become hostile. How about if I beat your dick off lubeless with a piece of sandpaper for 60minutes…how would you like that? Fuck you guys. <br> <br> Wait, the all time favorite hilarious priceless quote “ Let’s go on a REAL date sometime…..” does that mean you want to hang out with me for free?......ha……ha…..ha….(choke)….ha….ha…I’m choking how hard I’m laughing… Anyways, moving on.. <br> <br> Since we talked about big dicks, lets talk about limp dicks….nothing wrong with ‘em, they are cute little guys. However, the limp dick and I come at odds when you are still attempting to thrust inside me and the condom is falling off. Thus leaving it inside me. Just STOP, don’t fucking try anymore. Its not going to happen and I don’t want ANY piece of your dick skin touching me at all down there. Would you like a hand job? <br> <br> And that brings me to my next point, why do you have to thrust sooo deep that you go past the shaft part of the condom? I rolled that baby down as far as I could and you still want your disgusting dick skin to touch me somehow. Just STOP, your dick doesn’t get longer the more you shove it in! You are just annoying me. <br> <br> For the guys who want to “see my face” picture before I meet them, knowing very well I don’t show my face on the website. Fuck off. I have a fucking beautiful face and I KNOW it. Everyone loves my face, maybe too much. It is how I am successful and can pull in 5,000 a week. If I had a butt ass ugly face like you do, do you think I would still be charging $500 for the fuckin hour? I KNOW my face and general appearance is fuckin fantastic and I use it to my advantage. <br> <br> Sure you can make out with my foot for an hour. No I will not wrap a rubber band around your penis head several times to help you not cum. You want me to dig my nails into your balls?? <br> <br> Ummm is that a freshly pierced lip ring you have there young guy? Why are you trying to go down on me then with that freshly pierced lip ring? Fucking gross…I don’t want your open sore in my vagina. Dumb shits. <br> <br> Don’t fucking squeeze my sides so hard you leave fingertip bruises! My boyfriend will see those! <br> <br> I keep everything that is handed to me….don’t fuckin ask me for change dip shit. <br> <br> Green makes me smile and love you more : ) <br> <br> Hold your belly up when we are in doggy style it makes a fart-slapping noise if you don’t. I was kind enough to pull your belly back to find your dick just 5 minutes ago when I was on top…. <br> <br> I honestly laugh when you ask me why my skin is so soft. Let me tell you my routine. I am a bit obsessive compulsive when I comes to flesh to flesh skin cells rubbing off on me. I SCRUB myself every night with sugar and anything else I can find that is abrasive enough to make my skin raw. This is to get your distgusting skin cells and germs off me. Every time you touch me I think I will be expecially scrubbing that area extra hard tonight…your ‘soft’ touches make my skin crawl ya dirty old fucks. <br> <br> Why is it I expect the worst when a client walks in or I show up? Ok so you have a gimpy arm that is shorter then the other arm with knubs for fingers and a bit deformed. Even your elfish body and rounded chest sets you apart from other guys. You need love too. Since no one but me will fuck ya, I go at it bravely. But why WHY WHY do you have to be so creepy with that arm? I tried to ignore it, and you then proceed to touch me with it and call them your “special fingers” and then shove your knubly deformed half fingered hand into my vagina trying to ‘pleasure’ me. Not only does that creep me out, but it really makes me wonder what karma I have put out for you to show up at my door. Why must I be punished? Therapy….I need it… <br> <br> Stop drooling in my mouth and learn how to kiss….why is your tounge so fat? I can’t believe I just let him go down on me with those rotten ass teeth…I guess it was better then him trying to make out with me…..Gentlemen red onions are offensive…expecially on your breath!...I can’t stop staring at the bats in your cave… <br> <br> No I will NOT dominate you, you are looking in the WRONG god damn section of EROS. You want ‘BDSM’ not “female escorts”. I DON’T get off sticking things in your ass and making you cross-dress. You couldn’t pay me enough….well maybe, but you’re a bunch of cheap bastards also, so fuck off. I want triple what I charge hourly. <br> <br> Repeat, we are NOT dating. I am not your girlfriend. Stop thinking you are cool enough for me to be here if there was no money involved. I wouldn’t even fart your way unless you paid me. Much less show up and just “hang-out”. Don’t fucking tell me you love me, 3 clients this week already beat you to it. <br> <br> Pussy Eating….for the so-called “experts” Rule #1 Don’t spead my lips apart with your hands so far that they tear the inner soft skin on the vagina….how about I pull your pee hole in two different directions…hmmm?? It would rip the sides…wouldn’t it ?fuck stick?? Rule #2 Don’t suck my clit and labia up into your mouth and catch it on your teeth…..lets say I rake my teeth over your cock? Wouldn’t that feel great?? Rule #3 Keep your tounge on the top or the bottom. The middle of my vagina is my pee hole…I don’t know about you but tounging my pee hole is NOT a turn on….it burns. Rule #4 Lick on TOP of the hood not under. There are 4,000 neves on my clit and it feels WAYYYY to sensitive. Kinda like your cock, JUST after you cum. With that said 80% of guys really really give bad head. That is just my personal observation. <br> If you ask to extend in the middle of a session, because you are just IN LOVE with me…as most usually are…then make sure you have enough to cover the time used buddy! You can’t refund my time asshole, and just because I didn’t want to get up and talk about business when you asked to extend in my compromising position…don’t take advantage of it and bring less then you think you will spend! Dumb shits… <br> <br> On a happy end note…I DO have to give some credit to the normal guys. The married ones who are stuck in a marriage and are very attractive and could literally get any younger female they wanted, but stay for the kids. Also the non- freaks, losers, ass-face, deformed, hanicapped, overly obese …etc..guys. who have a charming way about them, but decided not to pursue relationships they are not ready to commit to. I salute and respect you. Because you and I both know you can get an attractive girl, who is unsuspecting and sweet and thinks the best of people, to go home with you after you feed her lies just to get into her pants, and then act as if you care for awhile until the sex gets old then throw her out on her relationship wanting ass. Get smart ladies! Stop sleeping around and not using condoms half the time. Fact: My non escort girlfriends hardly ever use condoms…I yell at them. They are so slack….and I use to be. BUT I have learned, Men go after what you want. I understand my relationship to you is a client, provider on and there are no gray lines. That is what you are there for, and so am I. You, fantasy porn-star sex…me-benjamin franklins…and it works out. <br> <br> SO STOP ASKING ME MY REAL GOD DAMN NAME!!!!! It’s none of your fucking business…this is a fantasy I fulfill for you…stop making it so god damn personal. I’m NOT your fucking girlfriend/wife for christ sake (or want to be)….I’m just a sweet face…..<!-- START CLTAGS --> <br><br><!-- DO NOT EDIT these unless you're really feeling brave and want your posting messed up. You have been warned. --> <ul class="blurbs"> <li> <!-- CLTAG GeographicArea=hotel room -->Location: hotel room <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> <!-- END CLTAGS --> webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-09-06T15:21:55-06:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/415707529.html Rants and Confessions from a Denver Escort text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/405019598.html I am a taxi driver and conduct myself in a professional manner at all times but I certainly understand road rage. <br> <br> I expect the worst from Colorado drivers and I am rarely disappointed. <br> <br> I have been reading about road rage on Craig’s List and I do have a few pointed observations. <br> <br> If people are honking, flashing their lights and shaking their fists at you perhaps you should reevaluate some of your driving habits. <br> <br> Here are a few pointers. <br> <br> When sitting at a red light please don’t redo your makeup, read a newspaper, change your clothes, masturbate, give head to your passenger, allow your passenger to give YOU head or begin distracting activities that may cause you to be otherwise occupied when the light turns green. <br> <br> When the light actually turns green there shouldn’t be a deliberative process necessary before you STEP ON THE GAS. <br> <br> The roads are overcrowded as it is and all it takes is a couple of retards sitting and staring at a green light for 15 or 20 seconds to start a chain reaction behind them that leads to what we call VOLUME SLOWING. <br> <br> If you are in the left lane and you want to drive at a leisurely pace, I understand. GET IN THE RIGHT LANE. This is the lane for slower traffic. <br> <br> If you are driving in the left lane and you are dead even with the guy in the right lane, YOU ARE FUCKING UP. <br> <br> There are people behind you with appointments to keep, jobs to go to or who may have an urgent need to use the bathroom. Please move to the right and let them get about their business. <br> <br> I don’t know how many times I’ve had to sit and listen to my fare grind his or her teeth because there are three flaming A-holes side by side leisurely driving down the road 15 or 20 miles below the speed limit. <br> <br> MERGE RIGHT ASS HAT! My meter is running and you are COSTING MY PASSENGER MONEY. <br> <br> Some of the people passing you may exceed the speed limit in doing so. <br> <br> This is perfectly legal but even if it wasn’t please remember, YOU ARE NOT A LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICER. We have paid professionals who are perfectly capable of enforcing the law and YOU ARE NOT ONE OF THEM. <br> <br> By intentionally slowing traffic you ARE BREAKING THE LAW and may be ticketed for this violation. <br> <br> If you are in the right lane and someone in the left lane is signaling to get over LET UP ON THE GAS. I don’t know how many times I have put on my signal for thirty or forty seconds and tried to merge right only to experience a blaring horn and upraised finger from some retard who has been pacing me in my blind spot for the last mile or two. <br> <br> Just for the record, this is why so many people fail to signal turns and “cut you off”. They know that as soon as you see the turn signal you will probably sit your passive aggressive ass directly in the way and stay there for as long as possible. <br> <br> About being “cut off”. The only people who are “cut off” are those who REFUSE TO YIELD. You do not own the road and must share it with about a million other drivers. Get good with this fact or move out to Busted Dick Colorado where your driving won’t raise eyebrows and tempers. <br> <br> There are other distractions that interfere with the flow of traffic that you should learn to deal with in a mature and proactive fashion like accidents. <br> <br> Accidents happen but unless you are a medical professional who is slowing down in order to stop and render aid KEEP MOVING. <br> <br> I’m not advocating blasting through police diversions at 60 miles an hour but there is no need to slow down to a crawl when passing an accident, <br> <br> RUBBERNECK’S CAUSE ADDITIONAL ACCIDENTS so if you and your voyeur family don’t want to become a part of the roadside tragedy you are gaping at, GET A MOVE ON. <br> <br> The same goes for other roadside diversions including break downs, pretty girls getting ticketed, accidents on THE OTHER SIDE OF THE STREET, emergency vehicles going in the opposite direction on a divided road and related events, <br> <br> If you are driving in the mountains and you see that there are 20 or 30 people piled up behind you, PULL OFF TO THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND LET THEM PASS. <br> <br> Sooner or later it’s going to snow. For those of you with no winter driving experience snow is the white stuff that falls from the sky. IT IS FROZEN WATER and is often quite slippery. THIS IS THE TIME TO SLOW DOWN. <br> <br> GET IN THE RIGHT LANE and let the people who want to drive fast do so, <br> <br> For those of you who own vehicles with 4-wheel drive, great! 4-wheel drive will give you great traction in the snow BUT IT WILL NOT HELP YOU STOPPING! <br> <br> I don’t know how many times I have been passed in a blizzard by shiny 4-wheel drive vehicles going 30 or 40 miles an hour over the safe limit for driving only to see them piled into a bridge abutment a mile or so up the road. <br> <br> Clearly if you’ve just polished off a 12 pack you should be riding with me. <br> <br> We all have cell phones nowadays. If you have one, get a headset, you need both hands to drive. <br> <br> If you’re having an argument with your sweetie, PULL OVER and finish it in a parking lot instead of the middle of an intersection. <br> <br> In conclusion. I don’t care what kind of self-absorbed butt nugget you are in the rest of your life please remember that you are piloting a couple of tons of metal glass and plastic around the road. <br> <br> Try to rise above your vile self just long enough to get from A to B without pissing every other driver on earth off and we’ll all be a lot happier and some of us may live a little longer. <br> <br> Thank you in advance for your fine cooperation. <br> <!-- START CLTAGS --> <img src=405019598.1.jpg> <img src=405019598.2.jpg><br> <img src=405019598.3.jpg> <img src=405019598.4.jpg> <br><br><!-- DO NOT EDIT these unless you're really feeling brave and want your posting messed up. You have been warned. --> <ul class="blurbs"> <li> <!-- CLTAG GeographicArea=Sitting behind YOU -->Location: Sitting behind YOU <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> <!-- END CLTAGS --> webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-08-24T12:01:36-06:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/405019598.html STOP LIGHT ETIQUETTE text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/358045993.html Guess what, <br> <br> I was cleaning out my closet and I found 47 pairs of BRIGHT NEON MC Hammer pants. I was going to burn them and dance around the flames to try to make it rain or something, but I thought that maybe somebody would want these. They are absolutely the worst pants of all time. I can't remember being stupid enough to buy these, but I must have been. Either that or MC Hammer owes me a bunch of rent money. I have them all in a huge garbage sack sitting on the sidewalk. If you want them you must just come pick up the bag and drive away. If anybody comes up and tears the bag and spills those hideous things into the street where my neighbors can see, I will be very unhappy. Garbage collection is on Monday so if they aren't gone Mr. BFI gets them. <br> <br> If you want this garbage, email me and I will give you instructions. <!-- START CLTAGS --> <br><br><!-- DO NOT EDIT these unless you're really feeling brave and want your posting messed up. You have been warned. --> <ul class="blurbs"> <li> <!-- CLTAG GeographicArea=Lone Tree -->Location: Lone Tree <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> <!-- END CLTAGS --> webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-06-22T14:58:39-06:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/358045993.html MC Hammer Pants text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/344894297.html yesterdya I was out for a bike ride and I'm cruising and digging the grass and trees and farms and cows and horses and sayin hi to other people riding bikes and being cool with cars and liking the deep rumble of motorcycles as they blow by me. <br> <br> I ride into this small town that will remain nameless to protect the small townies. I stop at this place to buy some stuff and they are like BRATS OUT BACK! so I'm like BRATS? And they are like FREE! so I'm out back yacking about the cows and farms with other lycra people stuffing pork meat encased in pork intestine into our holes. With mustard. Score! So I cram one down and think, why not and I crunch another tangy hot juicy pork thing down my hole. <br> <br> Then, I'm off! Full of pork. Ready for more cows and horse manure smells. I even have me a tail wind as I leave this town and hit these hills. Short hills, that step up steeply. Like steps. One after another. I'm high on free meat so I punch it and get a good groove until about 3/4 of the way up when I feel not-so-good. I slow down and finish the last pitch to the top breathing hard and feeling funky. <br> <br> I pull off the road into this parking lot which turns out to be the lot for a megachurch. And its sunday and they've been harvesting souls and the harvesting is over and the harvested souls are all meandering out to their jesus mobiles. <br> <br> <br> And I puke two free greasy pork meat brats with mustard onto their lot. Hoark! Plop! Drool runs from my lips to the sun warmed ashpalt as I let go with a dry heave. Damn! I suddenly feel fine after bulimatizing that load of pig chunks. <br> <br> I look up at the jesus people who are looking at me and I yell, OUT SATAN! OUT!. Then I scoot outta that megachurch lot. <br> <br> so there.<!-- START CLTAGS --> <br><br><!-- DO NOT EDIT these unless you're really feeling brave and want your posting messed up. You have been warned. --> <ul class="blurbs"> <li> <!-- CLTAG GeographicArea=bikist -->Location: bikist <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> <!-- END CLTAGS --> webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-06-04T16:12:02-06:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/344894297.html I Puked at the MegaChurch text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/331893376.html I was walking down the sidewalk and you, a very good looking woman from the backside, dropped what appeared to be the Holy Bible, bent to pick it up, and through no fault of my own, I saw your thong...and wow. <br> <br> I know Jesus spent some time with Mary Magdalene, and likely she wore next to nothing under those sackcloths, but I have to admit, your short skirt and fluorescent pink thong were way sexier, and made me want to get to "know" you, in the Biblical sense, of course. <br> <br> I'm not Christian, but if we can stick to the basic 10 Commandments and leave the Pope out of it, I think we'll be ok. <br> <br> Oh, by the way, I was the very tall, tan, curly-haired, non-Christian gentleman walking behind you.<!-- START CLTAGS --> <br><br><!-- DO NOT EDIT these unless you're really feeling brave and want your posting messed up. You have been warned. --> <ul class="blurbs"> <li> <!-- CLTAG GeographicArea=Church -->Location: Church <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> <!-- END CLTAGS --> webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-05-16T01:43:13-06:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/331893376.html You Dropped Your Bible and I Saw Your Thong - m4w text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/306580551.html Once again I've got a big bag of empties. There are both small and large sizes. I have about 369 boxes right now, and more coming (I quit smoking and go through two boxes each day). <br> Small size: 2 3/8 inches high by 1 3/8 inches wide by 1/2 inch thick <br> Large size: 2 7/8 inches high by 1 3/4 inches wide by 5/8 inch thick <br> (NOTE: dimensions are approximate) <br> For those who don't know: these are the small plastic boxes in which Tic-Tac breath mints are sold. They're all empty. I measured the boxes and posted the sizes because last time someone thought they might be useful as moving boxes. If you need to move a flea circus or other tiny item(s), these would do just fine. The cap is intact on every one.<!-- START CLTAGS --> <br><br><!-- DO NOT EDIT these unless you're really feeling brave and want your posting messed up. You have been warned. --> <ul class="blurbs"> <li> <!-- CLTAG GeographicArea=Northglenn -->Location: Northglenn <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> <!-- END CLTAGS --> webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-04-05T10:40:31-06:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/306580551.html Empty tic-tac boxes - 369 and counting... text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/306153825.html Lately this board seems so full of anger and hate, so I thought I would share an "Act of randon kindness" that happened to me last Thanksgiving. <br> <br> After becomming a recent single mom, that had no family with in 2,000 miles I found myself and my children with no where to spend last Thanksgiving. So I decided to make the best of it. My kids and I (they were 6 & 9) volunteered at the Salvation Army soup kitchen, handing out meals to the homeless (helped me be grateful that I have what I do) Then I splurged and the three of us went out to a very nice dinner downtown (I was behind on bills, and did not have the money for extra expenses)My kids and I sat down and enjoyed a wonderful meal..they were impressed how nice it was (not our usual McDonalds). We had decided to eat dessert at home, but when the waiter came over he told me that another family in the dining room wanted to treat us to dessert, the kids were so excited and I was greatful. When we were done (and stuffed) I asked our waiter for the bill (I was guessing it to be around $125.) he came by handed my the bill holder and told me to read the card inside, and that our bill was taken care of. It had a business card that said "Please except this random act of kindness in memory of our son ____________" I looked at the waiter, who was tearing up..and I started to cry. He was asked not to tell who had paid for our meal and the room was full of seemingly unaware people. I got myself together and the kids and I left. I think of that moment often! I was very alone and depressed that day, and knowing that someone was wanting to help ment the world to me. I thought it was a wonderful thing to do to remember a loved one by during the holidays...and it is something that truly touched my heart. If you are a part of that family, I thank you, and your sons name will forever be engraved in my mind.<!-- START CLTAGS --> <br><br><!-- DO NOT EDIT these unless you're really feeling brave and want your posting messed up. You have been warned. --> <ul class="blurbs"> <li> <!-- CLTAG GeographicArea=Denver -->Location: Denver <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> <!-- END CLTAGS --> webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-04-04T15:18:45-06:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/306153825.html Rave.. The kindness of others text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/302346400.html I know, I know.. when you asked about getting a dog I said if you both were gone in the same week I'd take care of your dog. And then you got a second dog...and had you asked I would have said that was fine too. I thought I could handle it, and ..ready? I was wrong. <br> <br> I was way wrong. At first it was fun...at first meaning the the first day. And then I thought I'd get smart. First I thought, "I bet I don't need to keep the dog in my room, she can sleep where she wants." Wrong. I woke up to the sound of her tearing through the garbage. She ran off as soon as I entered and I started picking up the garbage--a second later I smelled something that was clearly not garbage. As I discovered the next morning, she at the stick of butter. How the hell she got onto the counter I will never know, but she did. <br> <br> In case you (or anyone for that matter) ever wonders, butter is evidently a laxative for a dog. So there was--all over the carpet. And when I mean all over the carpet I mean I've can't believe that much feces was excreted from one mammal--do horses shit that much? I dont think so. So for the next 40 MINUTES I use the entire role of paper towels and a hell of a lot of dish soap cleaning up her mess. <br> <br> The next thing I remember was waking up to her whimpering. I didn't think a dog could whimper that loud--I was wrong. I let her back inside and went back to sleep. Woke up the next morning and bought more paper towels and pet stain remover..another 30 minutes. That's all I thought...1 (large) incident... I can forgive, forget and move past one incident. <br> <br> Oh I was wrong again. <br> <br> I was wrong because I thought I had yet another good idea. I should take them to the dog park--like you suggested. But before I do that I should make sure they will "come" to me on command...so I took them out by the trail/fields, brought some hotdogs and let them off the leash. I said come, they ran. And ran. 20 minutes later they came back in sight. One of them came back to me...good boy. The other kept running..bad girl. Another 20 minutes. But I did catch her and I didn't have to give you the "I lost your dog" speech I was preparing--I was thankful for that. <br> <br> 48 hours after the butter incident your dog had still not shit--figuring the pipes were clean I did not sweat it. Wrong again. At least this time it was solid. However, her multiple puking incidents were not solid. <br> <br> Apparently the other dog caught on..because in the past day he's peed not once but twice on the carpet. The living room carpet is turning into a litter box and I apparently have no control over this. The bottle of pet stain remover I bought is almost gone. I'm no longer fooling anyone-the dogs run this place.. I just clean up their shit. <br> <br> I feel this is enough. Like the story should end here but it doesn't. This morning--as in 7:45am she broke free from her leash. I hadn't even eaten yet and I chased the bitch for 80 minutes. I'm not really a morning person, and I'm damn well not a "chase a dog around for 80 minutes while I"m hungry, dehydrated and tired kind of person." I briefly considered killing it when I found it..I'm not even joking. But relief set in when I did finally catch her. How the hell does a dog run for that long anyway? I didnt think that was possible. Well... <br> <br> I didn't think a dog could run for 80 minutes straight--I was wrong. <br> I didn't think a dog could shit half its weight--I was wrong. <br> I didn't think a dog could whimper that loud--I was wrong. <br> I thought they would listen and come to me--I was wrong. <br> I didn't think the dogs would turn the living room into a litter box--I was wrong. <br> I thought I could handle this--I was wrong. Please come back.<!-- START CLTAGS --> <br><br><!-- DO NOT EDIT these unless you're really feeling brave and want your posting messed up. You have been warned. --> <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> <!-- END CLTAGS --> webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-03-28T23:06:24-06:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/302346400.html Dear Roommates: Please Come Back text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/287000204.html Hello. Here is my couch. I hate this couch and it needs to get out of my house. It is the worst couch I have ever seen. I sat on it and now I'm in a back brace. I let my dog have the couch, but then he died on it, so I don't really need it anymore. I miss my dog and I hate this couch. I'm asking $3.75 for the couch because thats how much Buck's favorite chew toy cost me each month. However, I'll consider other offers. I would just throw this couch into the river, but I hurt my back sitting on the couch. <br> <br> A little more about the couch: <br> I bought it 3 months ago. <br> I paid $900 <br> It came from this swanky furniture place <br> I hate the couch <br> It is uncomfortable and will probably put you in a back brace <p> <img src=287000204.jpg> <!-- START CLTAGS --> <br><br><!-- DO NOT EDIT these unless you're really feeling brave and want your posting messed up. You have been warned. --> <ul class="blurbs"> <li> <!-- CLTAG dealerCheck=owner -->This item has been posted by-owner. <li> <!-- CLTAG GeographicArea=Denver -->Location: Denver <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> <!-- END CLTAGS --> webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-03-01T23:01:01-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/287000204.html Couch - Very Uncomfortable, Red - $3.75 text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/261634452.html This is how it goes... <br> <br> Whether by reading about Craigslist in a news story, or a friend mentioning it to you or some other way, you discover Craigslist. It seems OK, strangely retro looking, the web circa 1995 at best. But it looks like it might be quite good. Perhaps you are looking to buy something and you check out some of the ads. You may even be stupid enough to try and sell something through CL. Likely you will spot the personals section. Whether you're single or not, who can resist the allure of browsing through that sort of thing? Some of them even have pictures. You notice Casual Encounters...OMG...that would be great. You mean I could just post that I want a bimbo dwarf with an oral and spanking fixation et voila...my inbox is flooded with loose-moralled candidates prepared to go at it in parking garages and Target restrooms from all over Colorado? <br> <br> But then your true downfall. You notice the Rants and Raves section. You start reading. Holy shit. What is wrong with these people? They are certifiably insane. But you can't stop reading. Sometimes you come across a complete anomaly -- a coherent post, proper spelling and grammar, a sane moderate output, a well argued point. Encouraged you hunt for more, exposing yourself to greater and greater quantities of the depraved and insane postings that form the bulk of this section. Your tolerance for it increases, and you charge forth faster and faster. You dream of rakes, Subarus, men who shave their balls, asses, girls who wax their cunts. People who love Jesus. People who hate Jesus. People who love Mexicans, hate Mexicans, even ARE Mexicans. This is no longer casual browsing to pass the time...you're addicted. <br> <br> And before you know it the REAL trouble starts. You come across a post so inane, so ridiculous and yet seemingly lucid that asserts some claim that makes your blood boil. How the fuck could they think that? you ask yourself. I'll show those fuckers. I'm funny, articulate...I know what I'll do. <em>I'll POST!</em> <br> <br> Then starts obsessive refresh syndrome. Refresh. Refresh. Refresh on your browser. Has my post shown up yet? Has anyone answered? Didn't they all agree with me and think my wit was biting and incisive? Did the OP retort with some half-baked nonsense I need to refute? OMG they did. I'll post again. Teach that fucker. And you do. And you even find out that F5 is the keyboard shortcut for refreshing the browser. No longer do your hands need to leave the keyboard. You can just hit F5, F5, F5 until it shows up. And then the replies. And you can't stop. Can't let the bastards win. Must. Post. More... <br> <br> And then, if you're not careful, you end up with a moniker.<!-- START CLTAGS --> <br><br><!-- DO NOT EDIT these unless you're really feeling brave and want your posting messed up. You have been warned. --> <ul class="blurbs"> <li> <!-- CLTAG GeographicArea=RnR Addicts Anonymous -->Location: RnR Addicts Anonymous <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> <!-- END CLTAGS --> webmaster@craigslist.org 2007-01-12T13:00:44-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/261634452.html RE: Shannon Damn you text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/235728006.html My last few months have been racked with guilt and shame over a horrible incident and the need to purge myself has become overwhelming. So I turn to you for a compassionate ear. <br> Last summer, I took my girlfriend, I'll call her Beulah, and her son, I'll call him Eugene, to a water amusement park, attempting to nurture the bond that was forming between us. After a busy morning of paddleboats and bumper cars, we took a moment to refresh ourselves with a hardy lunch of chili dogs, cheese fries, and lemonade. Relaxing under shade trees, Eugene smiled a chili-smeared grin, as the sun cast its languid glow over the park. With the leisurely picnic ending, we hastily dispersed to the changing rooms, in anticipation of our next adventure—the giant water slide. <br> During our first run, I noticed a gnawing, internal discomfort, although the first sure signs of brown-capping weren’t apparent until Eugene and I climbed the half-mile of stairs to the summit, for our second run. Unfortunately, I had taken the opportunity, to wear a most-revealing, blue Speedo, in the hope of further enamoring myself to the beautiful Beulah. Lord knows, I have the body to accommodate such a blatant, public display of manhood. <br> However, I soon began to regret my decision, for the sharp, cut of the elastic dug into my swelling, gaseous abdomen. My intestines were bubbling like a whirlpool. By the time we reached the loading platform at the summit, I was squirming in wretched misery. Considering my options, I surmised that taking the slide was far more promising than fighting my way back down the stairs, through the crowd. Thank God I was next in line. My trouble would soon be over. The only obstacle before me was an elderly German tourist, staring pensively at the wild rapids. With obvious reservation, he shuffled slowly toward the mouth of the blue tunnel. Beyond the point of pleasantries, I bellowed, “Come on, Pops! Shake a leg!” <br> Turning toward the acne-pocked boy who was managing the ride that day, he made a feeble attempt in his native tongue to communicate his apprehension. I had no other choice! The brown star pulsated—nearing supernova. The manager boy recoiled in shock as I pushed the old man down the slide, headfirst. Cursing me with hostile foreign jibberish, he disappeared around the first turn. In an instant, I followed, hurling myself down the slick, plastic vortex. <br> The fury of the slide was incredible. Rolling and spinning, I gathered speed quickly. The angle of the chute dipped to nearly seventy degrees, increasing my velocity as I careened from side to side, the water turning to white, angry foam. Ricocheting from a high, banking wall, the impact smashed me like some fecal-laden pinata. I lost control, discharging a foul, liquid trail. <br> A child screamed somewhere behind me, as I slid toward certain humiliation below. Frantically, I grabbed at the back of my Speedo, in a desperate attempt to flush myself clean. To my dismay, a fetid school of dung-guppies spilled into the churning maelstrom. <br> Nearing the final turn, the old man was standing upright in the tunnel in front of me, I’m sure, to exact some sort of revenge. His sinewy muscles were tensed, rage filled his dilated eyes. But with youth, and gravity, on my side, I swiftly took him out at the ankles. A palsied hand grabbed me as we tumbled out of the chute, and into the pool. <br> Moments later, a wailing boy fell behind us, riding the crest of a polluted wave. Thinking fast, I collared the old man, and dragged him onto the concrete deck. A lifeguard confronted us as people ran screaming from the pool in pale-faced terror. I explained to the guard how the old man had soiled the waters, how obviously the speed and excitement had proven too much for a man of his age and condition. <br> Unable to comprehend my story, or explain himself, the old man could only respond with a flurry of incomprehensible shrieks, vective, and obscene gestures. I suggested that he was hysterical from embarassment and that in the best interests of everyone that he be removed from the park—immediately. <br> The guard eyed me with suspicion, but had no alternative but to believe my story. Fortunately, the force of the waters had washed me thoroughly of any incriminating evidence. I gathered Beulah and Eugene, and made a dash for the parking lot. I’m sure the truth eventually surfaced, but not until we were safely on the interstate, heading back home. <br> <!-- START CLTAGS --> <br><br><!-- DO NOT EDIT these unless you're really feeling brave and want your posting messed up. You have been warned. --> <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> <!-- CLTAG GeographicArea=Denver -->Location: Denver<br> <li> It's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests<br> </ul> <!-- END CLTAGS --> webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-11-16T10:56:37-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/235728006.html The Time I Lost Control of My Bowels on the Water Slide text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/235725511.html I do not subscribe to the “open-door” policy, as it pertains to the subject of happy couples being privy to each other’s revolting goings-on in the bathroom. Some couples believe that being perched on the porcelain convenience, carving hideous intestinal sculpture, while the other one watches, is a symbol of some sort of higher level of comfort, candidness, or sincerity. <br> It’s as if, in observing their significant other in such a manner, his or her feet propped up on two phone books for maximum expulsion velocity, one would be offering up some sort of proof of their undying, perpetual, and eternal love for one another. <br> Not I. I have installed big burglar bars on my bathroom door because I enjoy a little private moment when I feel the urge to purge. I believe that there should be some aspects that, no matter how long you’ve loved someone, should remain undisclosed and confidential. There should always be some facets of your life that remain a mystery. <br> For, I’d rather not see the look of grim determination on my lover’s face, as she sets her teeth into a painful grimace, and begins to launch. <br> I’d rather she, not hear the onslaught of my barrage, as my lower intestine shudders one free. <br> If I were married, we’d share each morning together…we’d share breakfast…our dinners…we’d take off on vacations…we’d take long walks. Occasionally, she’d watch me select a tie from the rack in my closet. But that’s it. <br> I don’t want her to hear the creaking of my bomb-bay doors, as fetid cargo makes its way past repugnant pimples, only to land with a greasy SLAP on the bottom of the low-water-usage bowl. <br> I don’t want her hearing me muttering profanities under my breath, as I hit the flush lever, time and time again, for the disobedient dry-docked log that refuses to curl around the u-bend at the rear of the commode. I’d rather not hear her as she, likewise, lets fly a bowel salvo of stuffed squid from the glorious buffet she partaked in, the day before. <br> I would recommend that all couples, proceeding through their life together, be it temporary or ‘til death do them part, savor this one, tiny morsel of personal intimacy that remains. Yes…share each other’s most personal secrets…experience each other as you’ve never experienced anyone who has come before…love each other unconditionally and accept each other at your absolute worst…but shed not, that last, residual fragment of your dignity. <br> In fact, in my mind…because I refuse to witness the procedure…I can only assume that it never happens! I REJECT the image of it so utterly and completely, that I can only suppose that instead of even needing to use the toilet, my girlfriends have somehow perfected some process of osmosis, whereby their body heat merely causes a dissipation of its wastes into the atmosphere, in the form of easily-recyclable, odorless, gaseous deposits. <br> So I can only conclude that my girlfriends do not go to the bathroom. There are some things that I just don’t want to picture, and therefore, I refuse to. <br> <!-- START CLTAGS --> <br><br><!-- DO NOT EDIT these unless you're really feeling brave and want your posting messed up. You have been warned. --> <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> <!-- CLTAG GeographicArea=Denver -->Location: Denver<br> <li> It's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests<br> </ul> <!-- END CLTAGS --> webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-11-16T10:52:29-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/235725511.html Do any of you poop or pee in front of your boy/girl friend? text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/229714193.html I'm a Christian. I don't thump on a Bible, or prop myself up in public proclaiming to be more rightous than others. My Bible says you shouldn't do that. I don't belong to a church more opulant than a palace in a city where thousands sleep on the street. My Bible says to help the poor, not riticule them or judge them for their "weekness". My Bible says something about how difficlut it is for a rich man to get to heaven. I don't believe a church that seems more concerned with fund raising than helping others is really doing God's work. I don't believe in juding others. I don't believe it's ok to drive by a begger and calm my concious by saying "they're just a drug addict." I believe a Christian cares for a drug addict. I believe a Christian socieity should have a way to reach out to a drug addict. If they turn away our help, I beleve we should reach out again. And again. <br> <br> The Jesus I follow spent a fair ammount of time in the company of a prostitute. He didn't judge her. The Jesus I follow said a lot about the old laws being wiped away and being replaced by one simple law- love each other as I have loved you. <br> <br> I am a Christian and find it ironic that its difficult to find a Christian church that represents my values. The Jesus I follow would be more concerned with figuring out how the richest country on earth could help it's southern neighbor- where people are living like animals- than how much tax money is being spent on "illegals". I don't think my Jesus would call anyone "illegal". <br> <br> My Jesus spent much of his life in the company of those socieity found unfit. I believe my Jesus would have loved gays as much as hetrosexuals. I don't think my Jesus would lobby for a constitutional amendment that legalizes descrimination against them. <br> <br> I'm a Christian, but never say so in public. I'm an American, but am embarased to fly my flag. I wish the symbols of my faith and country represented what I believe. Once they did. I used to wear a cross around my neck. I used to have a flag on my house. Now people who represent values that I find very non-christ like have taken ownership of what theses symbols represent. <br> <br> I hope there are others who believe what I believe. I hope there are others who feel like I do. I hope that one day we can do Christian work that matters- helping the poor, healing the sick, protecting the earth- and stop fighting about things that are simply devisive ploys politicians use to get our votes. I don't like abortion. I don't like war even more. I don't like turning a blind eye to the poor even more than that. <br> <br> If you agree with me, join me. It's easy. You don't have to sign anything or agree to a docterine. You just have to do what you know is right. <!-- START CLTAGS --> <br><br><!-- DO NOT EDIT these unless you're really feeling brave and want your posting messed up. You have been warned. --> <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> <font color="#ff0000">no</font> -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests<br> </ul> <!-- END CLTAGS --> webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-11-03T12:26:39-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/229714193.html I'll pray for Revrend Ted. text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/185664891.html This is the "cranky lady" (your words) speaking. <br> <br> Here's how it works, since you're obviously too young/stupid/inconsiderate to figure it out. <br> <br> You get your shopping done and then you go stand in line for the checkout. If you forget something, you get OUT of line and go get it; most people will be nice enough to let you back in line when you come back. <br> <br> What you DON'T do is wait until you are at the self-checkout machine, drop your stuff, and then go grab something you forgot while you make everyone stand there and wait for your self-indulgent spoiled ass. Our time is AT LEAST as valuable as yours, especially since every one of us waiting is obviously more courteous than you. If you get to the machine and remember something and there are six people waiting for six machines, go ahead and checkout and pay, THEN go get what you forgot and get back in line. <br> <br> And don't come back and tell the guy who's gone ahead and started checking out on "your" machine that he has to go back and wait in line. You walked away and left your shit sitting there - how was he supposed to know you didn't just change your mind about buying it and leave? <br> <br> Judging from your looks, "gangsta" clothes, your ugly calf-tat, and your haircut, you are about 18-20 years old. Judging from how you spoke to me when I pointed out where the end of the line was, you have no manners. Judging from the fact that you weren't waiting outside the store to threaten me after you called me names inside in front of witnesses, you might have a tiny bit of sense. Let's work with that assumption. <br> <br> To you, I'm a "cranky old lady." To the rest of the world, I'm old enough to be your mother, I've earned the right to some respect, I've done more, earned more, and been more places than you're ever likely to do, earn, or go. The fact that I'm the one who called you on your rudeness shows that I've got guts, too, and I'm not afraid of baby wannabe tough guys like you. Every person in that line was thinking the same thing I was - "what a worthless waste of carbon that little asshole is." <br> <br> You probably don't care, and I take great pleasure in knowing that you'll have to learn the hard lesson - and soon - that getting along in this world requires consideration for other people. One of these days you'll go in for a job interview, to rent an apartment, to apply for a loan, to license a car, or to court, and one of those people you were so rude to - like me - is going to be making the decision as to whether you get what you want. Then you'll wish you'd acted differently. <!-- START CLTAGS --> <br><br><!-- DO NOT EDIT these unless you're really feeling brave and want your posting messed up. You have been warned. --> <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: smaller"> <li> <!-- CLTAG GeographicArea=Speer &amp;14th -->this is in or around Speer &amp;14th<br> <li> <font color="#ff0000">no</font> -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests<br> </ul> <!-- END CLTAGS --> webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-07-24T11:11:16-06:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/185664891.html Rant: To the asshole kid at King Sooper's self-checkout Sunday text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/156241327.html First off the only reason I was there was to verify I had no live sperm. <br> <br> My girlfriend wanted me to verify I was not shooting real bullets because I was tired of feeling like my shaft was stuck in neutral because I had to wear a fricking condom. I told her I was tied off but we both wanted to make sure I was not "live" before I ditched the $5 a box condoms. <br> <br> I came into your Lab with a doctor's order for a sperm sample. There were two other people behind me at the counter when you took the order from my hand and then asked me in a loud voice "When is the last time you ejaculated?" (I guess you wanted to know if I had enough spluge to give a good sample to run the test) WTF? Do you have to broadcast to the whole damn place that I'm there to shoot my load into a clear plastic cup? I told you that I should be good. You then have me go sit in the waiting room. <br> <br> I sat down and rifled through a bunch of magazines and found a two year old Sports Illustrated. I read it from cover to cover. Then you came into the waiting room and handed me a cup to do my deed. You then led me back to the front desk area where the only bathroom in the place is 3 feet away from the counter. <br> <br> Apparently I was expecting you to hand me a choice of porn material so I could get this done. But I now know that I will have to supply my own, in the future. <br> <br> I went into the bathroom (aka sperm sample room) and took out my limp dick. I try to remember the girl on the front of Cosmo magazine, that I saw briefly, and work to get a hard on when I hear on the other side of the door, a woman visibly upset that her insurance requires a copay for her bloodwork to be drawn. WTF? The girl on the cover of Cosmo quickly exits my mind as I am now listening to you try to calm this woman down. I turn the water on to try and drown out the conversation so I can shoot my load into the cup. <br> <br> At this point, I am now stripping all the way down to nothing so I can feel like I'm crawling into the sack with my girlfriend. I manage to get a rod up and proceed to stroke but guess what? There is no lotion. I NEED LUBE! I am going like a bat out of hell with both hands to know avail. I then discover the liquid soap in the liquid soap dispenser and damn near empty the thing into the palm of my hand. (sorry for using all the soap) So now I'm completely naked, jacking off in a public restroom and pink soap flying everywhere. (I flush the toilet to try and drown out the conversation between you and a coworker complaining about how your husband forgot your damn birthday) So with all this all going on it really is tough trying to stay somewhat aroused to get this sperm from inside my body into this cup. So I call my girlfriend, who is a corporate trainer, to see if I can get her to have phone sex with me. But of course she's training people and can't help me out, at all. <br> <br> After 45 minutes of front desk conversation, toilet flushing, and water running I finally getrdone. My heart is racing a hundred miles an hour, my arms hurt and I'm flat worn out. I rinse myself, wash the walls, get my clothes back on and take my sealed sample to you. You then ask me how'd it go? What kinda damn question is that? I smile and say great and then walk out the door. BTW, I have no live sperm and now can have proper intercourse with my girlfriend. <br> <br> Thanks for all your help Labcorp lady. I hope I never have to see you again. <!-- START CLTAGS --> <br><br><!-- DO NOT EDIT these unless you're really feeling brave and want your posting messed up. You have been warned. --> <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: -1"> <li> <!-- CLTAG GeographicArea=denver -->this is in or around denver<br> <li> <font color="#ff0000">no</font> -- <!-- CLTAG null -->it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests<br> </ul> <!-- END CLTAGS --> webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-04-30T22:50:05-06:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/156241327.html To the lady at the Labcorp where I had to give a sperm sample. text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/144692747.html I can wake-up, shower and leave the house in 30 minutes flat. And I still look cute and kissable. <br> <br> Even if we do get married eventually I would never dream of making you throw out your favorite sofa even if it did live in a frat house for five years. <br> <br> When you go out with the guys and come home all sloppy and fall asleep during sex I’ll only tease you about it for, oh, say a couple of days and never in front of your friends. <br> <br> I never gunk up my hair with sticky crap. <br> <br> I don’t watch sports but I don’t give a rats ass if you do. I’ll NEVER give you shit for spending a day in front of the tube with the guys, hell, I’ll even make you nachos. <br> <br> I don’t like shopping. I hate shopping. I hate the mall and all it stands for. That said, I do have clothes for pretty much any occasion. <br> <br> I’ll never be pissed off if you spend the day hiking instead of going to my family’s 4th of July gathering. I’ll probably join you. <br> <br> I am SOOOO not high maintenance <br> <br> I love sex. I’m not going to send you a link to a pay site but I’m not going to jump in the sack with you because you have a penis. Still, please have a penis. Don’t email a photo. I’ll take your word for it. <br> <br> I seriously don’t care if you’re a Aquarius or a Libra. Really. <br> <br> I have an amazing cabin in the mountains. <br> <br> I eat steak. But not so much that I’m chubby. <br> <br> I’m not bitter, I don’t think all men are playing games, just looking for sex, or shallow if they don’t find me attractive. <br> <br> I have really funny stories about the bad dates I’ve been on this year. Seriously, you’ll be laughing till it hurts. (conspiracy theory guy . . . sorry if this upsets you but it WAS funny) <br> <br> I don’t expect that if we don’t hit it off we’ll keep in touch. We might, but don’t count on it. I won’t either. <br> <br> I think Angel Therapy, Energy "tuning", Therapeutic Touch, Astrology, Cellular Memory, Creationism, Feng Shui and the face on Mars are all a huge pile of crap. If you believe in any of this and decide to contact me I WILL laugh at you. To your face. <br> <br> If you say something cheesy and “romantic” I’m more likely to crack-up than tear-up. <br> <br> If you can make me laugh I can’t wait to meet you!<!-- START CLTAGS --> <br><br><!-- DO NOT EDIT these unless you're really feeling brave and want your posting messed up. You have been warned. --> <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: -1"> <li> <!-- CLTAG GeographicArea=Wash Park -->this is in or around Wash Park<br> <li> <font color="#009900">yes</font> -- <!-- CLTAG outsideContactOK=on -->it's ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests<br> </ul> <!-- END CLTAGS --> webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-03-23T20:05:08-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/144692747.html Why you want me . . . text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/144057103.html If relationships were cars, it is understandable to want to test drive a new car. but if you can't afford it, old reliable is running and paid for why do it? <br> So you lease the new car any way. You drive it for a little while and realize that it is not the one. You start me up again. Then you lease another new car and drive it for a little while and realize that the shine and newness has worn off and you just don't love it like old reliable. All the while you would walk past me on occasion. Touching me, even starting my engine to see if I would still purr for you. I did!! You respond to me, you say I love you old reliable. Your so good to me, what would I do without you! Well now old reliable is up for sale in the paper and getting offers from private parties. So far, test drives have not been available because she just doesn't want to leave the garage....not just yet. Old reliable is hoping that you did turn in that the leased car, so you can come home, show her a little T.L.C. and go for a long drive with the one you love. <br> Old reliable knows that times are tough and finances are tight. So I will do my best not to break down or give you any fits. Sometimes I might turn on the check engine light just to ask you what you are doing to/with me. Do you blame me? <br> I know one thing. One person can't drive two cars at the same time without crashing. Please don't crash me! We have been very good for each other. <br> I also know that there are a lot of places that you would like to go to. let me take you to them. My fuel is cheap and the insurance is paid for. <br> What do you say? Let's put the kids in the back and go for an easy drive. Well go slow at first to get through the neighborhood and YOUR busy city streets. This is just fine with me. Lets just avoid the bumps and dealerships before we get out of town. <br> So don't trade me in either...I am worth more to you if you keep me. <br> o.r. <br> <!-- START CLTAGS --> <br><br><!-- DO NOT EDIT these unless you're really feeling brave and want your posting messed up. You have been warned. --> <ul style="margin-left:0px; padding-left:3px; list-style:none; font-size: -1"> <li> <font color="#ff0000">no</font> -- <!-- CLTAG null -->it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests<br> </ul> <!-- END CLTAGS --> webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-03-21T20:06:21-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/144057103.html reliable love text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/140261598.html OK, admit it. You're addicted to the fucking thing. You stay up until three in the morning reading R&R, hitting the reload or refresh key until you can't keep your eyes open. Of course you check out CE because, hey, who can help it? You check out MC because you think that person who smiled at you at the whatever store might post. You peruse Misc Romance because you figure it's the same thing as CE. You look through Stictly Platonic because even that could lead to getting laid or blown or eaten out or whatever your into. You go through every goddamn fucking posting in every catagory, hit refresh and start all over again. You've seen the same 22 year old guy in Boulder or wherever, and his penis, every night since you got on here. The same 19 year old "virgin" who wants to (insert boner or wetness inducing act here) has posted regularly. You know what a troll is. You know what a flamer is. You know that looser means loser, and that people can't spell or use proper grammar and the voices of reason have as much a chance as being heard, as a wet match has illuminating a dark cave. You wish that you could convey your voice inflection, (like that would make a difference) and you realize that because you can't HEAR voice inflection in a CL post, lots of them sound like....like.....legible dementia. You realize there are alot of fucked-up, pathetic, self-righteous, horny, smart-assed, angry, (ad infinitum) people out there. You like Flash Friday and all the other excuses to post naked pictures, you think you can post something that won't get flamed (it will) and you have spent hours thinking about what you would put on your m4w or w4m (and every variation thereof) to make it "different." You visited other boards. You thought you would see lots of tits or cocks in the big cities, you were entirely disappointed in the LA board and can't figure out WHAT the fuck is going on with the NYC board. You visited Witchita, Wyoming and West Virginia and found crickets chirping, sheep baaaing and mines caving in and exploding. You have found hand-wringing, arm-twisting, name-dropping, teeth-gnashing, and bigger piles of horseshit than you ever imagined. You wondered aloud why would they bother having a board in so many backwater places. You probably even looked at the international boards. You figured out what an OP was, in ten minutes and were proud of yourself. Why? Who? What the? and How? are ringing in your head. You have your favorite posters (Cheesypoofs, I love her) and your least favorite posters. You have tried to make a "name" for yourself (no one gives a shit) and you were pretty happy about that one post that started a thread that lasted three days. (who woulda thought?) "How grand the CL paradox!!!", you say to yourself. It's all too much to contemplate. All the posting titles have gone from blue to that wierd shade of brownish-purple, and even you can't stomach another "sex survey" or cock/pussy pic. You know that refresh, reload or (if you have an Apple) the sharp right-hand turn icon won't bring anything new or worth looking at. What to do???? <br> Push yourself away from the computer, eat some food, take a shower, get some sleep and when you wake up make sure you still have a job. Then, gently lift the sleeping cat off of your hot modem, unplug it and return it to your ISP. Check back into the world as we know it and start reading all those books you've been meaning to. Recycle the pile of newspapers you have lying around your place that you haven't cleaned in 10 weeks. Go get some sun or something. Come back in July when it's 100 fucking degrees outside and when you whip right on down to that old familiar bookmark without even looking at it, you will find, sadly, the some old shit. You may now use Craigslist like a normal person. "Hey, jobs! I didn't know they had fucking jobs on here! Free shit too! OMG, where did all this other cool shit come from!" Welcome back to Craigslist! We never knew you were here and didn't care when you were gone! webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-03-08T17:53:10-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/140261598.html To all the CL newbies: text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/123004852.html you were so, so nice. i'm not taking that away from you. you asked me about my book and where i was going, and i replied though i am ashamed to say i could not look you in the eye because i was so CRAZY PISSED. <br> <br> a typical plane seat in economy class is approximately 17 inches. breaking down my 9.2-hour roundtrip journey, i paid approximately $127 for those 17 inches. by my most modest calculations, you owe me $27.70 for the four inches of comfort and privacy you robbed me of. let's round that figure up to $30 for that spot where your massive thigh was rubbing against me the whole 2.5-hour flight. add another $5 (again modest) for our shared armrest having to be up because you could not fit in the seat when it was down. if i wanted to put my seat back, i had to pretend like it wasn't embarrassing for you (yes, i was concerned about your feelings, too) for me to ask you to lean forward so i could pull out the armrest a little and push in my button. good thing i didn't want to see the in-flight movie. <br> <br> i by no means hate fat people. i believe in the freedom to do or eat anything you want so long as it does not infringe on my freedom. this is purely a matter of financial injustice. <br> <br> i'm just saying that if you need two seats, pay for two seats. don't hate on the skinny girl who paid just as much, if not more, for those precious 17 inches of limited plane space. <br> <br> if you're out there, please mail $34.63 before january 8 or $34.61 after (i'll pay for the stamp--it's only fair). webmaster@craigslist.org 2006-01-05T20:13:11-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/123004852.html dear fat girl on the plane to charlotte: you owe me $35 text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/112117834.html Thanks for the week of entertainment Denver CLer's <p> <img src=112117834.1.jpg> <img src=112117834.2.jpg> <br> <img src=112117834.3.jpg> <img src=112117834.4.jpg> webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-11-18T07:07:48-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/112117834.html Denver CL R&amp;R Week in Review text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/105839820.html Me: 25 year-old guy with glasses and a Swiss Army bag <br> You: Mother of three with at least one hot, easily distracted daughter, 18-22 <br> <br> It was a few minutes after five on Friday, and I was on my way to CPK to pick up my dinner. Your daughter and I were in an area triangulated by Hot Topic, the cell phone kiosk where the annoying guys in ties always try to sell you the plan/phone you already have, and the self-massage/thermal pillow joint. I recall seeing one of those head-scratcher things with the tops that look strangely like the tips of condoms just beyond the face of your daughter, who I saw in passing. <br> <br> I just have to say, mom, that she was hot. <br> <br> She was wearing a denim jacket and had a slightly irregular nose. Not in a bad way, but a kind of slight hook or bump that gives the whole package some character. Maybe she got it from your side. These are the only physical details I can clearly remember. She was on her cell phone, probably talking to some boyfreind that you don't approve of (and rightly so, we all know what he's after with a girl who looks like her). <br> <br> What I do know for sure is that she was a hottie. This I know because I did something I never, never (well, very rarely) do in these cases. I turned my head for a second look. Seriously, I never do this. I don't know how girls feel about getting checked out. I do know how I feel when those fat slobs at the pizza place eye-hump every female between 13 and 45 that passes through thier lazy-eyed visual field. I just find the whole thing creepy. I think a polite glance at an attractive girl is warranted, and indeed one of the main fringe benefits to working in retail. But the lingering gaze, the head-follow, or the full-on course-change-and-following maneuvers I cannot usually condone. The only reason I chanced it this time was that she was on her phone and I was sure she wouldn't notice me, and I doubt she did. <br> <br> But you did, mom. You caught me checking out your baby. <br> <br> When I twisted my head back from that second satisfying glance at the fruit of your loom, I saw you calling to her, trying to call attention to the fact that she had continued to walk while you and your two younger daughters (I promise, my eyes did not roam) had stopped to examine something. I was horrified when the very girl I had just taken that delicious second glance at turned and gave you an exasperated look probably meant more for the caller on her phone (again, are we sure he's right for her?), turned around and headed your way. <br> <br> My pace quickened and my eyes dropped to the flagstone floor. I passed by you afraid to look into the death-gaze I am sure was pointed in my direction. I deserved it. <br> <br> I just wanted to take this public opportunity to say that I am sorry that I had impure thoughts regarding your daughter. It had been a while since I had a girlfriend, and sometimes such impulses get the better of me. I won't even try to pawn this off on you for having such attractive offspring in the first place, or parading her out in public for any guy with decent eyesight to feast upon. This was all my doing, and completely my bad. mea culpa. <br> <br> Still, if things don't work out between her and the goon, maybe you could have her shoot me an e-mail. webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-10-22T02:20:33-06:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/105839820.html To the mother of the girl I so obviously checked out—Sorry text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/95223717.html I am looking for a terrible boyfriend for one week to restore my happiness in being single. Now that school has started again I find myself in classes where 80% of my classmates are either married/engaged/in a relationship. I was content to be single all summer but now that I have been exposed to all these happy people in relationships, I'm starting to wonder if I need one too. <br> <br> In my head, I know I don't, but let's make this concrete with an experience. This is where you come in. I need you around for one week in the role of a bad boyfriend to renew my glee in being single. <br> <br> My requirements of you: <br> -You are attractive. Sorry, but if this is to work out for me, you have to be a pretty boy who is nice to look at but a total dick otherwise. <br> -Be very needy. Call me several times a day, checking where I am, who I'm with, etc. <br> -Have poor or no manners. When we go out, I want you to not use your napkin, tip poorly or not at all, never open doors, that sort of thing. <br> -It would be nice if you have politically conservative leanings so we can get into fun arguments <br> -Stare at other girls when we're out together. Bonus points for flirting with them. <br> -Don't listen when I talk, and interrupt me when you can. <br> -Insist on driving us everywhere, but proceed to get so drunk that I have to drive your car or call a taxi. <br> -Wear ugly clothes, or at least clothing inappropriate for every occasion. <br> -Have wildly inaccurate information and unfounded opinions. It is your mission that you are right about everything. <br> -Steal something of mine. I will set out one designated thing that you must steal from my house. You will steal this and nothing else. <br> -Don't be too upset when I end things after a week (and part of this deal is that I am the one to break things off). You know what you're getting into and do not form any untoward bond. <br> <br> After the week is up we can either be friends and laugh about this, or we can pretend that we've never met and ignore each other if we happen to meet in a public place. <br> <br> What do you get out of it? <br> <br> At least 5 nights out (you pay your half, sorry. I am not rich). One stolen item (of my choosing). A good story to tell people later. Satisfaction that you are also single. A chance to vent your spleen. A dissatisfying tryst for both of us. <br> <br> You'd be a fool to pass up this opportunity! <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-09-03T11:52:44-06:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/95223717.html Looking for a terrible boyfriend for one week. text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/88991824.html Hey Craig- <br> <br> I thought that we should have a bit of a chat. I'm a long-time fan of yours, and I've been hearing some dirty rumors whispered around you. I know, I know; I shouldn't believe everything that I hear. It's just that communication is an important part of any relationship, and I feel like there are some issues that I'd like to discuss with you. <br> <br> First, that whole "beam posts into outer space" thing, that was so totally cool. I'd love to give you a big ol' honkin hug for that one. It's for things like that that you make the big bucks. <br> <br> That brings us to my second point. Big bucks. No, I'm not talkin about 12-pointers strapped to the roof rack. I'm talking about money. Some of the dirty rumors that I've been hearing have to do with money. I know that you've remained true to me. I haven't seen you ho-ing yourself out for cash, but I just want to make it clear where I stand on these issues. These are the things that I've been hearing: <br> <br> <a href="http://www.editorsweblog.org/2005/07/craigslist_the_.html">http://www.editorsweblog.org/2005/07/craigslist_the_.html</a> <br> <br> <a href="http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/4724165.stm">http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/4724165.stm</a> <br> <br> <a href="http://edition.cnn.com/2005/TECH/08/04/spark.craigslist/">http://edition.cnn.com/2005/TECH/08/04/spark.craigslist/</a> <br> <br> Now I know that you care about me. You must. After all you've done for me... You've found me places to live, bought and sold a bunch of my stuff, gotten me laid, gotten me off my lazy ass and out on the town, listened to me bitch, given me wonderful advice, and taught me so much about people. Craig, I owe you so much. You've enriched my life in so many ways. I know that sometimes I storm off, claiming that I give you too much of my time and that I need some space, but you're always patiently waiting when I come back, hat in hand and hoping to work things out. Thank you so much. <br> <br> So how are you feeling, Craig? Are you satisfied with our relationship? Is there anything more that I can do to show you how important you are to me? If so, just say the word, and it's yours. I'll cook for you, clean for you, let you stay at my place... Hell, I'll write you love poems and encourage you to ignore the haters and just be yourself. I'll give you tons of my stuff; I'll give you tons of it for free! I'll find you a sexy top, bottom, BBW, jerkoff buddy, gangbang, or new pet kitten. I'll give you advice about your clothes, politics, and the best local beers. I'll do anything that I can, Craig. <br> <br> Just please keep your list as cool as it is today. Please continue to ask my permission before allowing others to contact me about other services, products, or commercial interests. Please keep the space free of commercial ads. Please don't sell out, Craig. <br> <br> I'll love you forever, just keep it real. <br> <br> Thanks for listening, <br> -An admiring fan webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-08-04T15:22:07-06:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/88991824.html Please Don't Sell Out, Craig text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/70935671.html I try to be a nice guy. I really believe in the daylight hours, I succeed. But something happens to women after the sun goes down that makes me forget my training and plunge headfirst like an epileptic cliff diver into a shiny lagoon of madness. No, this isn't a hormone thing... at least, not completely. <br> <br> First, I want you to know that I am a standup guy and will try to remember to open doors for you (if you want), let you order first, and will back you up with your friends or the drunk person at the end of the bar. But I want you to keep something in mind when you yell out the window at the guy who just cut us off trying to park in front of the restaurant or try to scratch the eyes out of the model/kickboxing instructor/Amazon that bumped into you and made you spill your cosmopolitan all over your new Kate Spade. No matter how reserved I am, it is not you that is going to get into a fight, it is me. That guy is going to pull me out of the car and use my retroperotineal organs to break open the nearest parking meter. And the Amazon? You didn't notice her date, Jean-Claude Forgot-to-touch-the-monolith. When I step in, he's going to pound my head like I'm a pinata filled with Ben Franklins and back copies of "Barely Legal" that he lost when the villagers chased him out of the last castle he occupied. You will not get another date because the only thing less attractive than a girl who gets Nikki Hilton drunk and shouts at people is one that asks me for money for dry cleaning to get my hemoglobin out of her tribal skirt. <br> <br> Next, understand that while I enjoy taking you out, I can't pay for everything. I'm only a student and living on the loans and grants that would barely keep a Dust Bowl-era farmer in Pepsodent. I'm not threatened by a woman that picks up a check any more than I am by the fact that you can bench more than I can. So can Earl Boykins, and he's half your size. If I pay for dinner, even if you only have a feta-salad, you can at least offer me a few quarters for the only parking meter left on this block after last week's date. I'll even squeegee your window for it without asking you to buy a bag of oranges. <br> <br> Also, when you introduce me to your friends, take it on faith that I don't want to sleep with ALL of them. I asked you out because I want to be out with you. If I wanted to take out your sister, I would have asked her instead. I'm not uncomfortable around your gay male best friend. I like the gay people. I like what they've done to Bravo. I very much admire their ability to irk the living shit out of the religious right like someone just peed in their Cheerio's. But if he hits on me, he's going to find out I'm not interested. Once again, if I wanted to date your friend, I would have asked him instead. I've worked at fucking Walt Disney World. And since fair is fair, I know if he was interested in me, he would have asked me out. And tell your lesbian friend to just shut up. Just because I have a X chromosome doesn't automatically make me the enemy. I like her just fine and would say so over a bourbon and soda. No, I don't think that women are inferior. Yes, I believe in equal wages. And especially no, I'm not trying to "convert" anyone. I may be very good at what I do to my date's naughty bits, I could never compare to the speed and skill with which a lesbian could get a woman to orgasm. Just like the gay friend wasn't trying to get me to play on his team, I don't want anyone reluctantly on the final cut of my roster. <br> <br> Further, if you are kind enough (or nearsided enough) to grace my bedroom with your presence, I'm just happy that you are there. I will try like a freshman sitcom to please you. But I have a few tradeoffs. I promise not to fall asleep immediately afterwords and make intimate conversation, but you risk pain of expulsion if you utter the phrase, "What are you thinking?" One of the tantric philosophies is that communicating with a god is best done at the moment of orgasm and immediately after because the mind is completely blank. I'm an honest guy, but be prepared for complete, grade-A, Congressional quality bullshit if you pull anything remotely like this. (If you really want to know what is on my mind, please see the part about "I'm just happy that you are there"). And don't bother me with that cliched faux-repulsion over the fact that I leave the toilet seat up. If I see the seat is down and I need it up, I'll put it up. If you need the seat down, put it down... don't call N.O.W. Headquarters or pick up a pen to write Cosmo. Even the dope fiends at the Light Rail look before backing up. If you want the seat always down, FINE, I'll make sure it is ALWAYS down. But be prepared for an ass soaked with more urine than the bathroom floor at Alley Cat's. And, most importantly, don't compare my equipment with anyone else's. Don't tell me it is the biggest you've ever seen, I know that you're lying. And don't tell me it is small, because I know this from the many daily interactions I have had with it since puberty. You don't need to comment on it. Just be glad that it isn't so small that it actually draws matter and photons from nearby Boulder and Castle Rock into it. <br> <br> Believe it or not, I will call when I say I will. Make sure you do, too. And if you get sick of me like my first grade imaginary friend, call me and let me know that. Otherwise, I will assume that you got into a fight by yourself and are currently undergoing rehabilitation at Craig Hospital, your lesbian friend finally turned you, or you got sucked up with the rest of the debris coming from Boulder and Castle Rock. <br> <br> No, I don't mind fixing your roommate's computer. I've had that job before. <br> <br> Yes, I've seen lots of dead people. I've had that job before. <br> <br> No, I don't watch reality TV. I haven't had that much haldoperidol tonight. <br> <br> Yes, I actually like John Huges movies. That doesn't take many drinks. <br> <br> No, I don't look over your shoulder to check sports scores. You shouldn't check the ass of the waiter when I cut my food. <br> <br> Yes, this diatribe is essential reading before I pick you up. Think of it as one of those voter guides that Postmaster Pete drops off the day before every election: you probably won't read all of it, but if you want to keep your brain from becoming whatever the whale splooge on top of a Filet o' Fish is, you had better at least get the Cliff Notes.<p><p><br><br><br> webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-04-30T04:04:25-06:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/70935671.html Before accepting a night out with me, please read... text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/69769450.html I am pleading with all of you who use this site to sell things,please, please, please hang up on me if I call you! If I e-mail you to buy your kitchen table, pick up your canary,or take those party favors left over from the Luau you had in '92, please don't e-mail me back!Pick someone else! I don't need your dishes, your area rugs, or your Genuine Gevalia coffee maker(which even I can get for free w/purchase.) I don't need one more kitchen gadget "As Seen on TV". I DO NOT NEED one more blessed thing from Craig's List.What I NEED is a haircut. I NEED a new car.(read: anything that's seen a car lot w/in the last 5 yrs)I NEED to paint my house.(by any chance has anybody got about 80 gallons of neutral exterior latex paint just sitting around?)See what I mean. I NEED MEDICATION!!!! and I need for all of you to just say NO to me if I respond to your post. <br> I have gone through the steps,admitted I am powerless, etc. etc. It doesn't help. I have not admitted this to another living soul.I just keep coming home with more stuff and stashing it in the garage at night until everybody leaves the next morning. Every week it's "Honey, where'd we get that rug?" "Bonnie, that's a new sofa. Isn't it?" "I don't remember us having a gas grill" To which I just reply, "It was in the garage." God forbid he ever gets up off his duff and actually looks in the garage! I'm DEAD!! <br> I started innocently enough. I was just browsing for a part-time job. Didn't find one a those.Then I answered a post for a cute little butcher block kitchen piece and got no response from that. I was confused and dejected. Was my money not green enough?That Boulder trust fund baby must have read right through my thinly disguised desperation to just be part of something.Just to pretend I'm one of you cool CLers. I showed her! A mere six months later I have at least one of every and I do mean every blessed thing known to man from here to Bombay. I have scallop shell dishes to serve Oysters Rockefeller.(?) I have a set of lights in the shape of huge Concord grapes that flicker to the tune of 'Hey Macarena'.I have the only artificial Charlie Brown Christmas tree I've ever seen and I knew it was pathetic when I drove all the way to Centennial to look at it even though the table and chairs I originally e-mailed about were already sold. I didn't see the appeal in that darn tree but I bought it because I didn't want to look like I wasn't cool.I have enough camping gear to lease out to a state park. <br> I used to be kind of pretty a few short months ago. Now I don't sleep much. I get up to check if I've missed any good posts after 10. I sleep with the phone under my pillow in case one of you call back about the Coach purse(barely used)or the box of 'party lite' candles for sale in Erie for only 5 bucks. I have put enough miles on my gas pig of an Expedition to have driven back and forth to Costa Rica.....twice. I have spent enough money in one dollar bills to have wall papered my master bath AND afford a highly skilled divorce attorney, with some to spare for a Spa weekend.I have to face facts. I am a suburban housewife with all the trimmings. I am not cool like I used to be. My brain is stimulated only by the puzzles in the morning paper and the thrill I get when I see one of you has moved and is selling the brand new appliances that came with the custom built home but are just not your taste. Thank you . Oh thank you! But now I have enough excess to fill another house. <br> So please if I call or mail you with any variation of Bonnie (from Broomfield)ie Bunny or Bambi or Bobbi(with an i) ,please just simply respond with 'Bonnie, is that you?'If there is the slightest hesitation in the responders response you'll do me a huge favor if you ignore the e-mail and/or HANG UP THE PHONE!and don't answer it again for at least 15 minutes. With your help and support, I can beat this thing. And I'm counting on you as the great philanthropic and compassionate people you are, to see me through this till you never hear from me again. Thank you ever so much! Bonnie:} <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <p><p><br><br><br> webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-04-22T22:24:55-06:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/69769450.html Just say NO to Bonnie text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/66171309.html I currently have 4 roommates. The first one snores too loudly, eats all the food in the house, farts, and never replaces the toilet paper roll. He also likes to grab my ass and fondle my boobs when I walk by, which can be annoying. He also likes for me to do his laundry, rub his back, and cook for him. He calls me "honey" and "baby". I sometimes wonder if he has forgotten my name. <br> <br> The second one wakes up way too damn early, watches cartoons at every available opportunity, dresses like a prostitute, screams when she doesn't get her way, and asks me to check her butt after she poops to make sure she got all the poop and toilet paper out of her crack. If I play music when I have friends over, she embarrases me by taking off all of her clothes and shaking her booty. She gets into my lingerie and wears it, likes to try on my bras, and borrows my jewelry without asking. <br> <br> The third one goes to bed at 7pm, gets up at 6am, cries when she doesn't get her way, throws tantrums, won't eat anything that I make for her, pees on the floor, picks her nose and wipes it all over the house, insists on getting into my makeup and smearing it everywhere, wears my shoes without asking, and follows me around the house all day. She speaks a garbled language that is sometimes impossible to understand, which makes communication matters within the household somewhat difficult. She also insists that she is constantly being chased by dinosaurs, which only "she" can see. This is problematic when everyone is sleeping soundly only to be awoken at 3am by screeches of "denosor" coming from her bedroom. <br> <br> The last roommate is a total pig. He pukes on the floor and leaves it there, he pees on shoes and coats left on the floor, he tears apart my furniture with his nails (which he never trims) and leaves his hair all over the house. He also insists that he be stroked whenever I sit down, and has an annoying habit of just laying on me whenever the mood strikes him. He is also known to hit and bite the other 3 roommates whenever the mood strikes him. He is a picky eater and will typically throw up whatever I feed him. He also likes to sing at 4 in the morning. if you touch his hips on accident, he will draw blood with one swipe. He also likes to gnaw on my hair when given the opportunity. (Typically at 2am when I am sound asleep). <br> <br> Considering that my roommates consist of a husband, a 5 year old daughter, a 2 year old daughter, and a 16 year old cat, I think that you could probably handle a single roommate....even if all they do all day is dry hump the arm of your couch.<p><p><br> <br> <br> webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-03-30T13:01:58-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/66171309.html re:Roommates text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/57066596.html Hi. <br> <br> For starters: Upon reading the title I must warn you now- Don't get your hopes up. It is true the couch is free. BUT, and you must read this now and forever remember it for your own good- it is not all that usable, if usable is even a word. <br> <br> It is an old sectional couch that my old roommate left behind. The thing was enormous and nearly suffocated the entire living room area. Well, that and the fact she also had the world's largest coffee table- big enough to fit 35,000 caffeine-stoked Starbuck's patrons around for one giddy old time. <br> <br> Well, like I said- she moved out. Just so you know- her then fiance' cheated on her, and to make things worse- he's now marrying the one he cheated on her with. Not that this has anything to do with the couch other than the fact I thought you might find it interesting. Anyways, so she's broken-hearted and I honestly felt sorry for her big-time. I really did. She got really drunk after that and kissed me, but I didn't take advantage of her like I know some asshats would. And we certainly didn't do it on the couch. But, a few days later she decided to leave town for good and in the process- pretty much leaves everything behind. <br> <br> Anyhoo, I didn't like the couch myself, so I took the thing out and put it on the patio. But, then I didn't want to come off like I was some hee-hawing hillbilly with sofa sitting outside, so I then decided to put it in the garage. The only thing is, I couldn't quite get it in the garage- so I kinda just squeezed it through the door with all my might. Not to mention, the cushions are no longer cushiony, if cushiony is even a word. <br> <br> So, the bottom line is this: I have this crappy looking sectional sofa thingy that serves absolutely no purpose other than the fact it's taking up a considerable amount of precious space in my garage right now. I'm too lazy to call someone to haul it away, so instead I'm posting it here on dear old craigslist to see if anyone would want this thing that has no cushions and to be openly honest- looks like bleh. <br> <br> Just to reiterate: Crappy looking sectional. No cushions. Sat outside for some time. Squeezed through garage door. And NO, I am not giving you slackers the phone number to my ex-roommate. <br> <br> If you're an artist, you might make some use out of this thing, particularly if you're a sculptor. <br> <br> If you're a scientist looking for authentic germs and microscopic bugs, you might want this thing. <br> <br> If you're a married couple trying to save money- please don't call- you'll be very disappointed, but even worse- you'll be wasting both of our times. <br> <br> Lastly, should you want this thing- you will need a truck or van with a lot of roominess. Puhhhhhleeeze, DO NOT show up in your VW bug and think you can harness this thing on top of your car and drive off into the sunset with it. It won't work and you'll accomplish nothing more than starting a traffic jam on I-25 when the sectional breaks apart on the highway or puts a major indentation into the roof of your car. And gawd knows, you'll be calling me back calling me all kinds of moronic names blaming me for own your stupidity. <br> <br> Oh, if you're going camping this weekend, this thing might be a good source for your campfires. Just trying to help. <br> <br> Email if you're interested in the world's worst sectional. <br> <br> <br> this is in or around Denver<br> webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-01-25T14:15:21-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/57066596.html To Those Who Are Saying,"Gawd, I Could Really Use A Couch" text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/54556912.html Don't worry, folks. There's plenty of other ugly furniture in the world. <!-- craiglist image hosting. don't touch this HTML unless you know what you're doing --> <table><tr><td align=center><img src="http://b.im.craigslist.org/4o/Vk/wNb4U8ottwJhQyYSiWR3QBX9xj4i.jpg"></td> <td align=center> </td></tr> <tr><td align=center> </td> <td align=center> </td></tr></table> <!-- end of craigslist image hosting --><br> <br> <br> this is in or around West Wash Park<br> webmaster@craigslist.org 2005-01-05T13:37:27-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/54556912.html The ass-ugly orange chair has been sold. I'm sorry. text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/51262650.html From reading the posts here on CL, it sure seems like EVERYBODY hates EVERYBODY ELSE for SOMETHING. But you don't need a website to tell you that; you see it everyday in the real world. <br> <br> The rich hate the poor for being "low" and bothersome. The poor hate the rich for being stuck-up. Blue collar hates white collar for having to work for them. White collar hates blue collar for not kissing their ass. <br> <br> Women hate men. Men hate women who hate men. Women hate men who hate women who hate men. Women hate men for wanting their bodies. Men hate women for wanting their wallets. Boyfriends and husbands hate their girlfriends and wives for taking their freedom. Girfriends and wives hate their boyfriends and husbands for not being perfect. <br> <br> Fat chicks hate skinny chicks. Skinny chicks hate fat chicks. Fat chicks hate skinny chicks for getting all the guys. Skinny chicks hate fat chicks for hating them for it. Skinny chicks hate guys for looking at them as sex objects, and fat chicks hate guys for not looking at them at all. <br> <br> Kids hate their parents for being parents. Parents hate their children for making them be parents. <br> <br> Non-Christians hate Christians. Christians hate non-Christians for hating them. Non-Christians hate Christians for hating them back. Christians hate other Christians for not being the right "kind" of Christians. And everybody hates the Mormons. <br> <br> Republicans hate Democrats. Democrats hate Republicans. Republicans hate Democrats for not loving their country enough. Democrats hate Republicans for hating the rest of the world. Independents hate both parties for having more money and influence than them. And Ralph Nader hates all of them. <br> <br> And don't even get me started about race and gays. <br> <br> My God, when does it stop? It makes me so sad that me, a normally tough and stoic guy wants to cry his eyes out for people everywhere. Everybody hates everybody else, and feels completely justified in that hate. Just ask them, and they'll tell you all about the righteousness of their hatred for whoever they hate. But ask someone who they love, and they're strugging to find any answer beyond a significant other and a few family and friends... Are our capacities to hate so global, but our capacity to love so local and small? <br> <br> I can't take it anymore... But I guess, I'm no better. I hate everyone for hating everyone else. <br> <br> Peace, seriously.<br> <br> <br> webmaster@craigslist.org 2004-12-05T12:56:30-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/51262650.html Hating Hatred text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/31831884.html What I am about to write will make me look like the lamest woman ever... <br> <br> You would be right because it's pretty lame <br> <br> I ride the bus because I don't have a car. Also Boulder has one of the best public transportation systems in the country. I mean who wouldn't want to take the bus after learning that fact? I mean that is why I take it. (I failed Driver's Ed.) <br> <br> Since I ride the bus, I see the same bus drivers over and over again. But there is one particular Hop bus driver that I am sweet on. <br> <br> He has brown hair that is worn in a ponytail and he always has a hat. <br> He has a beard <br> He always has sunglasses on <br> He is white but could also be Hispanic. <br> He young. I would say no more than 32 years old but probably younger. <br> <br> Have you ever been at a party after most people have left or passed out? There is always that one guy passed out in the corner. You know, that one guy that is holding the blow-up doll in one hand and hanger in the other? He is kind of rough looking but in a way cute. That's what this driver reminds me of. The passed out drunk guy in the corner. <br> <br> What I am trying to say is that I think he is cute. <br> <br> I am chicken when it comes to guys. The last time a guy asked me out I just stared at him like I had resently become a deaf mute. Then I said I had a boyfriend which was a complete lie. My flight or fight sense kicks in when it comes to dating and men. It was either make up an excuse or kicking him in the balls. I think "flight" was the best option that time. <br> <br> I am off topic. <br> <br> Okay back to the Hop driver. I like him. I think it would be cool if we could hang out and do stuff. Have him drive me around in his car like we are on the bus. We would got to a bar. He would tell me stories about being a Hop driver. I will tell him about the time when I was on the Hill and I got on the bus and there was a dead woman passed out on the front seat. (I think she was dead. The driver made me get off the bus while she called 911.) We would go watch a movie. I would suggest Speed. He would give me a look and then we would laugh. The laughing would stop after we look into each others eyes. Then night would end with a makeout session and a HJ. <br> <br> (Hey, I am just being honest.) <br> <br> Who am I kidding? I am probably not even this guy's type. He probably has a girlfriend. <br> <br> But if you have any clue who this guy could be (or you think you are the driver I am talking about) send me a e-mail. We can trade more detailed info. <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> <br> this is in or around Boulder <br> webmaster@craigslist.org 2004-05-22T03:20:38-06:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/31831884.html Can you help me find this guy ?- w4m text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/24786376.html If craigslist was a concert, I would shell out the $75 to see it at Red Rocks. <br> <br> If craigslist was a t-shirt with all the postings on it changing constantly, I'd wear it until it was sweaty, smelly, and threadbare. <br> <br> If craigslist was my girlfriend, I would serenade her under her window, shower her in flowers, and write epic, incomprehensible odes to her intelligent beauty. <br> <br> If craigslist was a means of transportation I would sell my Volvo and my bus pass and my bicycle and even my shoes so that I could use CL exclusively to get around. <br> <br> If craigslist was a book, I would keep a copy at both of my jobs, one at home, and one at my best friend's house. <br> <br> If craigslist was a movie (and it will be soon, right?) I would want to see it at the IMAX, pay the $11.50, and hope it never rolls to the credits. <br> <br> If craigslist was a cable channel, I would swallow my pride and purchase whatever cable package it came on, and buy a TV. <br> <br> And if craigslist was a drug... I would need rehab (you know, after my binges... so that I could continue to function in the world). <br> <br> As it is, craigslist is free and online. And it's mundane, banal, funny, tragic, normal, queer, intense, boring, socially concious, and socially ignorant. As it is: I read. I observe. I post. <br> <br> We (you and me and the thousands of other users) make a concious decision to be a part of it. To find love, to make love, to rent an apartment, to communicate, to sell a murderous goldfish, to narrow the gap between Denver and Boulder, to discover the inane... and redefine our culture through the individual. <br> <br> What can I say? I'm addicted. Everyone knows I love you, craigslist. <br> <br> best, <br> another gay female CU student <br> <br> <br> <br> webmaster@craigslist.org 2004-02-20T11:22:09-07:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/24786376.html rave: a letter from an adoring fan text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/16558863.html I caught your eye while you were walking somewhere and I was walking somewhere else. Or possibly we were both sitting. Or maybe one of us was walking. Or you might have actually have been driving. <br> <br> Anyway, the chemistry between us -- wow. The path from your eyes to mine was like a sunbeam of sex, a moonbeam of michief and mirth and musty, lusty September loving. Or August loving maybe. This might have been last Christmas. Anyway, whatever. <br> <br> You were a svelte brunette with indie-rock glasses playing harpichord, or a bootylicious blonde in black hotpants volunteering at the homeless shelter. Or you might have been a sassy redhead college coed smoking a doobie. Or somewhere in between. Anyway, you were hot. Or cute. Or you had kind of your own style going, and it was sexy. Or you were mostly covered up and I couldn't totally tell. Or you were dancing on a table and I was dropping singles like they was jacks on the pavement. <br> <br> Anyway, we saw each other in Denver (it might have been Miami) and it was a thing of beauty, except for its brevity. But I felt something special, something special where it counts. I wish I had talked to you. I bet you wish you had talked to me. I bet it keeps you up at night. I bet you'd die for a second chance. I bet twenty-five dollars on the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. <br> <br> If you want a second chance to blow this opportunity to try your luck at loving, please contact me via email. Or just meet me next weekend at Coors Field. Or Mile High. I'll be the one wearing a shirt. <br> <br> I think we can make this into something. It could be love. Or it could just be a really awesome roll in the hay, and then an awkward run-in three weeks later at the hardware store. Or maybe we'll become worst of enemies, and you'll key my car once with your friends when you're drunk. Or maybe it could be five or six awesome rolls in the hay. Or maybe we can just be friends, and I can boff your sister. Or maybe it could be eight or nine awesome rolls in the hay. The possibilities are literally without limit!!! <br> <br> If you know what I'm talking about, and I think you do, or possibly you don't, please, please, please send me an email. You know you won't regret it. Probably. <br> <br> <br> webmaster@craigslist.org 2003-09-21T00:29:33-06:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/16558863.html You were an attractive woman who I saw outside once - m4w text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/13418887.html I'm looking for any pro athelete in the Denver area (please no rapids players). Broncos, Avalanche, rockies, even nugs. Although, I'll probably even settle for an assistant manager at a car dealership. <br> <br> I'm 5'5-5'9, 21-26 with dyed blond hair and a great figure (eating disorders will do wonders!). My hobbies include chillin with my girls (who are almost as cute as me!), staying at least 2 years behind ny and london fashion, being late to my office manager job (ok secretary) and hanging out at cheesy clubs like alley catz, the purple martini, and the funky buddha. <br> <br> I like men who are weathly and athletic (professional that is), I also like cute men who wear shiny shirts and pretend to be wealthy. If this is you, go ahead and buy me 4 or 5 red bull and vodka's. <br> <br> <br> webmaster@craigslist.org 2003-07-11T01:03:22-06:00 Copyright 2009, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/13418887.html any athlete will do text http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/den/12757892.html <p>Dear Driver of White Volvo Stationwagon Parked in Front of the Church Nightclub in Denver on Saturday Night:<p>I never formally introduced myself. I was so concerned with my personal safety that I wasn't able to tell you how much I wanted to punch you in the throat. I never got the chance to tell you what an embarrassment to humanity you are.<p>I appreciate your concerns in life. After all, I was walking on the sidewalk that your car was hovering over. Your car's presence did force me to reroute my steps. That may have entitled you to a simple, 'I'm sorry for blocking the entire sidewalk. I don't know what I was thinking.' That would have sufficed.<p>I am pretty sure that, 'What are you looking at, bitch?' was not the appropriate response to my crossing in front of your car. I know, I know, you had a young girl in your car and you wanted to impress her. I was surprised to see your companion laughing at my expense.<p>I can't promise that were I in a similar situation, I would laugh at my male companion harrassing a strange female and calling her a bitch. I am pretty sure I wouldn't laugh at all. You must possess some amazing charm.<p>That charm was further demonstrated when you continued to shout at me. 'Just keep on walking, slut!' was especially poignant. I admire your ability to pass judgement on a girl wearing an ankle-length skirt. Clever.<p>I think I realized the breadth of your charm when two men tried to calm you down. 'Get in the car,' they requested. 'She started it!' you protested. Mmm. I started it. I did, after all, walk in front of your car. If that's not grounds for verbal assault, then hell, I don't know what is.<p>It was good that you drove away when you did. Obviously at the height of your inebriation, it's always a good idea to operate a vehicle when you can do the most damage. Lucky for you, you drive the world's safest car--you should be all set. Good thinking, ace.<p>I guess I am most disappointed in my complicity. I was too sober to think quickly. Had I consumed a drink or five, I would have had the good sense to spit on your car, tell you how ashamed for you I was, and heck--I would have even taken a black-eye for the team just to see the number of men that would have jumped into the fight to kick your ass. <p>What am I saying--I could have kicked your ass. Regrets, I've had a few. 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