Please Don't Sell Out, Craig
I thought that we should have a bit of a chat. I'm a long-time fan of yours, and I've been hearing some dirty rumors whispered around you. I know, I know; I shouldn't believe everything that I hear. It's just that communication is an important part of any relationship, and I feel like there are some issues that I'd like to discuss with you.
First, that whole "beam posts into outer space" thing, that was so totally cool. I'd love to give you a big ol' honkin hug for that one. It's for things like that that you make the big bucks.
That brings us to my second point. Big bucks. No, I'm not talkin about 12-pointers strapped to the roof rack. I'm talking about money. Some of the dirty rumors that I've been hearing have to do with money. I know that you've remained true to me. I haven't seen you ho-ing yourself out for cash, but I just want to make it clear where I stand on these issues. These are the things that I've been hearing:
Now I know that you care about me. You must. After all you've done for me... You've found me places to live, bought and sold a bunch of my stuff, gotten me laid, gotten me off my lazy ass and out on the town, listened to me bitch, given me wonderful advice, and taught me so much about people. Craig, I owe you so much. You've enriched my life in so many ways. I know that sometimes I storm off, claiming that I give you too much of my time and that I need some space, but you're always patiently waiting when I come back, hat in hand and hoping to work things out. Thank you so much.
So how are you feeling, Craig? Are you satisfied with our relationship? Is there anything more that I can do to show you how important you are to me? If so, just say the word, and it's yours. I'll cook for you, clean for you, let you stay at my place... Hell, I'll write you love poems and encourage you to ignore the haters and just be yourself. I'll give you tons of my stuff; I'll give you tons of it for free! I'll find you a sexy top, bottom, BBW, jerkoff buddy, gangbang, or new pet kitten. I'll give you advice about your clothes, politics, and the best local beers. I'll do anything that I can, Craig.
Just please keep your list as cool as it is today. Please continue to ask my permission before allowing others to contact me about other services, products, or commercial interests. Please keep the space free of commercial ads. Please don't sell out, Craig.
I'll love you forever, just keep it real.
Thanks for listening,
-An admiring fan