So’s I’m out playing Advanced Dungeons and Dragons at Turk’s house and I meet a 4th level, Alturan enchantress named Speltora (actually, her named was Elizabeth and she also had a character named Burf, a subterranean dwarf master). Speltora kept flirting with my character, Tantaric, a journeyman mercenary warrior with extra appendage alterations. Before long Speltora and Tantaric are doing it the Elpedon Woods on a bed of downy elves’ breath moss. Needless to say, the other guys are whooping it up, and Turk's laughing so hard, he spills nacho cheese sauce on his dungeon master's map! Afterward, Elizabeth and I share a head-sized burrito at La Bamba’s and discover we both collect Michael Jordan basketball cards, circa 1980’s. I sneak her into my room. I know we’re safe ‘cause I can hear mom snoring from the under the kitchen table, where she usually passes out after returning home from the bars. I’m breathing hard in anticipation of all the sweet moves I’m gonna make on Elizabeth’s bod.

I “accidently” drop Jordan’s 1985 championship Fleet special edition between Elizabeth’s legs and when I retrieve it, I brush her bare ankle. Before you know it, we’re making out.

Elizabeth’s obviously had some experience at this because she begins reaching between my legs, groping around for something. I’m hard as a pebble and she stops kissing me and bends over and starts poking me in the crotch with her index finger, asking, “Where is it? Where is it?”

”Where’s what?” I asked back. I was starting to feel a bit self-conscious.

“Where’s your, you know, the… you know.” She was blushing.

Emboldened by her cute, womanly, and paradoxical embarrassment, I said. “You mean my COCK?”

She gaped at me in shock!

Now, I’m not Asian, or hermaphroditic (i.e. lacking any hormones which encouraged penile growth when I was younger), or anything like that, I just figured I was average. In the shower, when I gripped myself between forefinger and thumb, I just appreciated how facile and convenient it was not to have to struggle to pleasure myself. I never thought of myself as small, you see.

To be honest, Elizabeth was the first girl who had ever seen the inside of my bedroom. For crying out loud! It was not like I was a player or went to Turk’s expecting to make it with an Alturan enchantress with 36 double-d’s! If that was the case, I would have taken down my N’Sync posters and exchanged my Spiderman sheets for the Joe Boxers my aunt Edith got me last year for my 34th birthday! No one had ever commented on my penis size before.

Sometimes in the locker room after high school P.E., I would sometimes get teased by the popular guys.

“Hey, Ferd, whatcha wearing a jock strap for? What’s the point, geek?”

or

“Yeah, just throw a half a walnut shell on that and you’d be good to go!”

I just figured boys will be boys and they were teasing me because of typical teenage penile envy and anxiety. It didn’t really bother me. Well… except for the time when a group of them pulled me out of the shower and stuffed me headfirst into a garbage can and fondled me with a broom handle while the locker room exploded in laughter. Coach Carter came out, yelling, “What are you girls doing?” When things broke up, Coach told me, “Kid, you are the reason homosexuals don’t want to leave the closet.”

So, anyway, I’m trying to tell Elizabeth that it’s there, like in those mystery posters where you have to stare at it for a long time before you can make out the shape within the shapes, you just have to look in the right place. I slip off my 501’s and spread my legs and pull it out for her to see.

She shrugs as if she’s gonna make the best of a bad situation, but I don’t care. I’m feeling pretty good, ‘cause she’s got her lips around it and is sucking like it’s summer and my wiener is a push up stick. I’m breathing hard and I feel like I’m gonna shoot soon. She’s keeps saying, “It’s so small. I never seen such a small dick.”

Then I fart.

I mean, it was her fault! She was the one who said La Bamba was the perfect late-night meal! And she was the one who wanted extra beans and super spicy salsa!

She did a double-take, raised her head from my lap for a second, sniffed the air like a bloodhound tracing a scent, shrugged her shoulders, and dove right back in!

This girl was amazing!!!

But the entire time, she kept saying, “It’s so small.”

I mean, I just don't know what to do with this, so I say to her (thinking this would be sexy or something):

"You like small, don’t you baby?"

And she sits up, looks me in the eye calmly, and says, “Okay, Kerd. Here's some general information. 1. Four to eight inches is considered the normal range of penis size for adult males. 2. Five and a half inches is the average length of the adult penis. 3. There is no correlation between penis size and height; size of the foot, hand, nose or any other body part because there is no 'bone' in the penis, contrary to the popular euphamism. 4. There is very little correlation between penis size and ethnicity. Black guys are slightly larger than white guys, and Asian guys are very slightly smaller than white guys - there's not a big difference. 5. Width IS more important that length as far as making women happy, BUT copulation isn't what most women care about anyway. We like touching and caressing and being treated like we matter and not like a body on a slab. 6. Most importantly, penis size has nothing to do with who you are as a person and what you can accomplish with your life. You are important, not because of your penis size, but because of what you do with the gifts God gave you. Be a man. Be unselfish. Do good and make people's lives better. 7. Treat people with respect. Stop dehumanizing each other and stop thinking of people as objects for your pleasure.”

It wasn't quite the moodkiller I thought it would be (I was hoping for a reply like "Yeah, smaller the better baby,” OR “It’s big to me,” OR “It’s not the size of the boat, but the motion in the ocean.”).

Anyway, she went back to sucking, I came, then she showed me how to dine at the “Y” and other things that I can’t tell you. It was a lot better than I imagined it could be. We’re still together to this day, and often Speltora and Tantaric will head to the Elpedon Woods after vanquishing orcs and trolls for a little bit of inter-special coupling. We've found some creative ways to utilize Tantaric's appendage alterations!