A PMS Rant by a Sometimes Hot, Sometimes Not (Today Not) Chicago Chick
1. You fucking piece of shit pair of pants. You're supposed to be my fat pants. I can't believe I can't get my usually not-that-fat ass into you. You're supposed to be my back up and you're failing me. Goddamn piece of shitty Banana Republic uselessness. Why can't nudity be the uniform of commerce?
2. Thong. You are irritating me today. Normally, I feel naughty and sexy wearing you because you're this pretty little thing in your black lace and satin, but today you're fucking evil and I can't believe I forked out $20 for your sorry, pathetic, weak, stringyness. You're chafing me, and not only that, when I turn around and look at you in the mirror, you make my ass look huge today. It's not that big, but today you are making me look like frigging Roseanne Barr. Traitor. I should tear you to pieces and make you into a cat-toy.
3. Coffee. Didn't get Starbucks today, but had to succumb to the ol' lukewarm coffee in the office coffeepot. I think you were born about 5 hours ago with dirty dishwasher and perhaps a lugie (how the fuck do you spell that) in it by a disgruntled employee who surprisingly was not but could have been me. I don't mind that you're plain black with no cream or sugar, but what the fuck are the black grinds doing at the sides of my cup? I dare not look in the mirror for fear of seeing those grinds in my teeth. You're going to stink up my breath, stain my teeth and embarrass me with the grinds between my teeth. How the fuck did I ever get hooked on you?
4. Boyfriend. Goddamn it. This is the week before my period. My tits are fucking huge. They're usually barely a B, but just before my period, they are a full C almost a D. Sure, they look like pornstar tits, but they are SORE! Stop wrenching those puppies! I have PMS, it's hard for me to get in the mood. They HURT right now for Chrissake. Why is it that when I want to have sex every day, you prefer only a couple times a week, but when I'm PMS-ing and really don't want it, you want to have me every goddamned hour? Fucking misleading tits.
5. Heels. I've worn you while successfully maneuvering the corner near my office every day for the past 6 years. Today, you decide that it would be fun for me to nearly slip and fall on my ass, do the little Scooby Doo run for the save, all the while holding that goddamn piece of shit coffee which of course put two nice brown spots on the sleeve of my silk shirt. I paid $100 for you and your partner only a year ago and now you're ready to give up? I hate you, Franco Sarto. You suck. I should stick to Payless.
6. Weather. It's cloudy today. It was rainy/cloudy yesterday. Where is the goddamn sun? It's the weekend. Damn it. Tom Skilling says it'll be raining all weekend. That's great. The only thing that'll make it perfect is if you dump a ton of rain on my head today since I didn't break my fucking umbrella.
7. Marshall Field's. You were supposed to be one of Chicago's great icons. Now you're a corporate fucking sellout. Macy's? Have you no respect for Chicago history? I've been to Macy's on the east coast, and, you, sir, are no Marshall Field's.
8. Cubs. Sox. I FUCKING HATE YOU BOTH. LOSERS. BIGGEST COCKTEASES IN CHICAGO. WHY DO WE PAY MONEY TO EVEN WATCH YOU OVERRATED PIECES OF POO?
Thank you. That is all.