Missed Connections Support Group -- forming NOW!
Unable to function due to an addiction to Missed Connections? Always looking for your MC? Join us. This is a support group that will progress through several stages, as described below:
Stage 1: Help, I see myself in every MC
During this stage, we will study and scrutinize Missed Connections posts to see which ones could possibly apply to us. Expect to hear some arguing along the lines of: “It is obviously for me.” “It’s MAN for WOMAN! It’s mine!” “She obviously hit the wrong choice in her haste to contact me via an anonymous message board!”
This stage is hopeful and will thus involve few tears. However, intense mood swings may occur.
Stage 2: Help! He/She is obviously dead/in a coma/stuck in the sewer system/incarcerated. (average member reaches stage 2 in 1 to 3 weeks)
During this stage, we will panic. Close readings of all missed connections posts reveal that they are NOT in fact for us. Our love interests have not contacted us in days/weeks! This is unlike he/she. Well, kind of unlike he/she. Well, unlike the he/she we have chosen to remember. We will call hospitals, jails, and study the obituaries. Problems may arise when we only have first names or vague descriptions. Private investigators may have to be contacted, and we thus may have to introduce dues during this stage.
Stage 3: Fucking Asshole. He/she is in fact alive. I saw him/her at the grocery store/laundromat/bar/ A mutual acquaintance confirmed his/her ongoing existence. I hate him/her. (average member reaches stage 3 in 1 to 3 months)
This stage involves planning. Scheming, really. How will we extract revenge? Motherfucker has fucked us for life. We will never truly love again. We were so pure, so innocent, so full of hope. Now we are all cynics.
The faint of heart may have to excuse themselves from the group at this point. This is no-holds-barred revenge. Violence is excused and even encouraged. We no longer care if he/she thinks we’re insane. He/she is probably right.
Stage 4: Time to begin again.
During this stage, fellow support group members are encouraged to hook up. These new relationships will most likely be abusive and dysfunctional, as we’ve all been hurt and feel the need to continue the cycle of disappointment. Problems may arise when we realize we are all hopeless romantics/masochists, and our fellow group members don’t torture/ignore/abuse us in the way we desire. The flames will die out shortly. However, after the demise of these relationships, we will remember one another very, very fondly and become obsessed. Most likely we will need to re-form a support group within weeks or months.
The following will be provided at support group: Copious amounts of liquor. A room reserved for screaming/gnashing of teeth. A dart board (please provide your own picture). Wireless Internet access. Several boxes of tissue.
Please remember that support group members may be at a different stage than you are. Act with consideration.
The group already meets nightly at my house. Members currently include myself and my dog.
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