Our first and last date......
you, a young, attractive single female
i: made charming, witty banter with you and your friends, waiting
for several chance meetings before politely asking for your number.
i: called and asked you to dinner. when asked, you had no preference
on where to eat so i suggested one of my favorite restaurants in the city, a lovely bistro on the gold coast. you agreed and said that you'd meet me there.
With such a promising beginning, the fact that our first date did not live up to my(our?) hopes was perhaps my fault let's see if we can find out where it went wrong...
i: made the reservations, arrived early, well groomed/dressed, made sure we had one of the best tables outside, surveyed the menu and wine list for some choice suggestions, ordered a drink and waited patiently.
You: had slight trouble getting a cab, only arriving a scant 45 minutes late.
Forgivable for veryone knows how difficult it is to find a cab in the loop.
Especially while drunk.
But one shouldn't mention it lest one be thought ordinary. Non?
We quickly made up for lost time though, what with all the scintillating conversation. Didn't we?
Now at the risk of seeming petty, there were one or two rough spots that I feel compelled to point out, if only in the interest of setting the record straight and saving both of us some grief in the future:
First it was _so sweet_ of you to declare your intentions at the outset of the evening but, "i'll drink you under the table!," revealed your hidden Ms. Hyde and may have surprised both of us but me most of all! I hinted that I was a lightweight and wouldn't be drinking much that evening. You bravely ignored my lead calling me a "pussycat" was it? no, no, that's wasn't quite the word, but it's close.
Normally such heady subjects aren't first date conversational fodder, but I _must_ ask: am I really, truly, *personally* responsible for the sweeping racist and colonialist history of the West and, by extension, all foreign policy mistakes of all U.S. presidential administrations: past, present, and future?
It's not that I don't like the idea, mind you, it's just that I'd hate to lie.
Then, hearing Etta James I mentioned how much I loved her music. Maybe, just maybe it wasn't the best time to recall how she always reminded you of that horrifying year during which several of your close friends were brutally gang-raped on the south side?
Not exactly a softball pitch on a guy's first date, n'est-ce pas?
Also I must admit that despite my best, my most conciliatory efforts, being angrily called a "stupid gringo" loudly enough for the other patrons to overhear and simultaneously drop knives to plates did give me (and most of the restaurant!) pause.
Lastly, and I hate to quibble, but when someone graciously offers to pay for the check I don't believe the Emily Post on that is to daintily screech, "You're only buying me dinner because you think you're going to get LAID!".
Not only were you rude but, much more troubling to me my dear, you were mistaken!
You see, while the tired old stereotype of men may be that they think with their unmentionables, the amazing thing is that some don't! I know! Hard to believe!
Furthermore, I flatly declare before God and country that an unfathomable boor such as yourself could never and would never bed me. Incredible as it may seem to you, it is all true! No, really!
And, if pressed, I'd tell you that it is my personal belief that men often pick up the check because it is expected of them. It's simply what their fathers trained them was the right thing to do when you make an invitation to dinner.
But sometimes this isn't true.
No, sometimes men pick up the check because they're proud of having a well paying job that allows them to. Sometimes they do it because they know that if they don't they'll be considered cheap! Ever think of that? Or maybe, i'll admit, they sometimes do it in interest of a little quid pro quo.
But sometimes, just sometimes, they do it because they want to avoid further embarassment in an establishment they want to come back to. They're frankly shocked; they can't believe that you would dare to treat another human being so shabbily. In short, they're looking for the quickest exit out of a nightmare date and can't stand the thought of splitting the bill because it would mean having to speak with you further thereby delaying sweet relief and freedom by a few precious seconds and, like the proverbial animal in a trap, they're willing to gnaw their own limb off if that's what it is going to take.
Now, given everything we've just covered, which explanation do you consider the most credible?