Originally Posted: 2005-05-03 5:54pm
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The ban list
The following words and phrases are hereby banned from all MC posts, effective immediately and in perpetuity, through reckless overuse:
* "kicking myself"--No one is allowed to kick themselves, ever-freaking-again. Leap off a bridge, hit yourself over the head with a socket wrench, wear a Sox hat to Wrigley, but quit kicking yourself. Anyway, what sort of woman would want a guy who'd do that?
* "iPod"--We know. You're a gearhead. You've got disposable income. You're cool and trendy. You missed that connection because you were CONNECTED TO AN IPOD! Join the rest of the world, and you might meet someone you like! Yes, yes, it's a damn status symbol, but you don't have to cock-a-doodle-do about it.
* "Barleycorn"--Come on, if you can't hook up at the Barleycorn...
* "Sidetracks"--See "Barleycorn." Obviously, not the same target audience.
* "female student"--For the love of Christ, once was enough.
* "coffee"--Don't you think that your inability to focus long enough to make a connection might have something to DO with this?
* "messenger bag"--Dammit, I will dance like a loon down State Street the day this fad hits the bricks. Men with messenger bags should be pitied, shunned, and herded into fashion-detox facilities, but never pursued.
* "Starbucks"--No, no, a thousand times, no. She really is trying to study, enjoy her coffee, or just fucking read the paper. If she was interested in meeting you, she'd be scanning the room like a surveillance camera. Quit chasing women at the damn Starbucks!
* "I was really drunk."--Actually, I'll give this one a pass. These generally turn out pretty funny. But it's on the watch list.
* "The Davinci Code"--Apart from the fact that it's a weak copy of "Foucault's Pendulum," this completely fails to narrow down the object of your affection, and is therefore excess verbiage. Everybody and their freaking brother has read, is reading, is rereading (the sick bastards), or will read the damn "Davinci Code." If you don't stop it, I'm going to reveal the ending right here. Well, I just heard about it somewhere. Really. Moving right along...
* "I saw you at Filter"--Okay, we know that everybody in freaking Filter reads CL on the laptops the place requires you to bring in before you sit down with your giant supergrande doublemint caramel triple-mocha frappuccino (with skim milk). I don't think that even qualifies as coffee, but I digress. If everyone there is reading these anyway, why not just say hello right there? You're wasting bandwidth! Those 1's and 0's ain't free, y'know!
* "Holla back"--I'm too old to know what this means. Don't make me sic my Doberman on you whippersnappers!
So, in summary, this is an example of a bad MC post:
"Hey, I saw U at Barleycorns and you were a smokin hot female student. I wasn't drunk enough for this to be funny. Now, I'm sitting at Filter, and you're right next to me trying to read the Davinci Code. I'm the guy with the hoodie and the black messenger bag I keep my iPod in. I looked for you at Starbucks, came in, and there you were. What are the odds? Holla back."
And this, a good one:
"I've gotta say, that's the first time a total stranger has tackled me, propped me up on the hood of her Shelby Cobra, and made me see God. Of course, that might have been the group of nuns that passed by during the act, but you were a good sport about it. The "naughty nurse" outfit was a nice touch. When you left, I couldn't sit down for a week. I think you ruptured my spleen. I'm in love. Wanna do that again at a City Council meeting?"
See? Much better.