Dear Microsoft Word,
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Here are a few tips for you.
1.) Donít ask me if I want help when Iím writing a letter TO YOU at 2:48am.
2.) Donít do that stupid auto-format shit you just did when I hit enter after I typed ďam.Ē That always messes up my outlines because apparently we donít have the same style. I go ďI.Ē then ďA.Ē then ď1.Ē then ďa.Ē OK? I donít want to print my fucking outline at 5am after Iíve worked on it all night and suddenly notice that my shit is all fucked up and you literally WONíT let me fix it. I have to have to wrestle you like a psycho bitch to get you to let me type how I want to. I get Aís in school, ok? Teachers like my outlines the way I do them. Iím sorry.
3.) My teachers want one inch margins. I know, it sucks, but they think Iím a slacker when you slyly auto-fuck with my margins. YOUíRE the slacker, asshole!!!
4.) If Iím writing a ten page paper about, oh, say rhetorical discourse, and Iím on page nine and weíve (you and I) have been working together for about five hours and I suddenly type ďrheotoric,Ē canít you REMEMBER that I have correctly typed ďrhetoricĒ nine thousand times by this point and just fucking fix it for me? I have a laptop. Right clicks on those are annoying as shit.
5.) Your dictionary/thesaurus is missing SO MANY fucking words! Whatís up with that?
6.) When I hit ďprint previewĒ you really should let me actually EDIT there, too. Print preview means, ok, Iím gonna look it over one more time and see if itís all good. When I notice somethingís fucked up, I have to close print preview to go back and search for it to fix it. Címon.
7.) When you say something is spelled wrong but really itís just a word you havenít learned yet, (itís ok) and I fix it for you before I type anything else, you switch it back to being wrong! Fuck you is that annoying!
8.) Sometimes, I am just right with the grammar and youíre not.
9.) Is it going to hurt my eyes to see the whole damn menu if I click on File or Edit? What are you ashamed of?
10.) Iím sorry I have been such a rude bitch. We have had great times together, and overall youíre thesaurus has made me sound much smarter than I am in many, many papers. Also, I love it when you track my changes. Thatís so sexy. And who can forgot Courier New, to turn a seven page paper into ten! Thank you!