best of craigslist > chicago > Ten Things I Learned From Republicans This Week
Originally Posted: 2005-03-27 7:20pm

Ten Things I Learned From Republicans This Week

1. Terri Schiavo is alert and discussing her wishes 2. A human body without a brain is precious. 3. The sanctity of marriage between a man and a woman is to be respected at all times except when meddling in-laws decide to disrespect it. 4. Anyone with a shaved head and a loose-fitting brown robe can become a spiritual advisor and spokesperson for your meddling in-laws. 5. Doctors must err on the side of life in any question of removing life support from a living human being, unless they practice in Texas. Under the authority granted them by former Texas Governor George Bush, Texas physicians may remove your child's life support over your strenuous objections. 6. Christians may make death threats against the relatives of people they dislike. 7. When a CAT scan reveals a brain that looks like soupy sludge reduced to 20% percent of its original volume, do not be fooled. It is merely brain concentrate waiting to be reconstituted by an evangelical rehab specialist. 8. The lowest medical credential one can hold is Board Certified Neurologist. In ascending order from lowest to highest, the relative rankings of other medical credentials are as follows: general surgeon, registered nurse, fired nursing home LPN, incapacitated physician, Mississippi Resident,anyone with a shaved head and a brown robe and, the highest medical credential, Fox News Host. 9. Removing a feeding tube from a person who has been in a vegetative state for 15 years is an act of heinous cruelty and it should be outlawed. Such an act, if inflicted upon an animal, would surely lead to an arrest for animal cruelty. Learning this made me realize that it would be a loving act to take an animal in a vegetative state, insert a permanent feeding tube, an IV drip, dress it in diapers, and leave it lying helpless in the same spot for fifteen years. 10. If you are bulimic and fight with yourself about whether or not you want food, rest assured that others will continue the fight for you if you ever become so incapacitated that you can no longer wage the battle on your own.

post id: 65720361

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