Originally Posted: 2005-03-25 12:29am
to the girl at work who unbuttons her pants
Hey Girl at Work Who Unbuttons Her Pants,
Just as an FYI, we know you do it. Yes, yes, you "warned" us that after you eat a meal, or even a light snack, you feel constricted in your waist-al region and feel the need to unbutton your pants. Now, not believing until I was seeing, I figured you were just being quirky until one afternoon when I turned to look out the window, you know, the visual equivalent of getting some air, and I saw you leeeeannnnn back, reach down, and pop that little button right open and into the freedom it was apparently straining for. In that Ed Bundy moment, you had my mouth gaping open. I mean, it's not like we work in Charlie's Chocolate factory where there are oompa-loompas running about to distract us from your Homer-ness. And then you took your shoes off! Now, feel comfortable honey, but that swively chair ain't your couch and that computer screen is not your tv. We all notice. We all stare. And we all wonder why you just don't buy bigger pants. And then--and then!!--you complain about needing to go on a diet. So you go on a diet. And eat Egg McMuffiny sandwich things for breakfast with a giant mocha-rocca-ccino to wash it down. But hey, I understand, you gotta ease into things like that. Don't want to get a deprivation headache. Who knows, it might just make you go crazy enough to NOT UNBUTTON YOUR PANTS IN THE OFFICE.
So, we're taking up a collection to buy you elastic waistband pants. If you have a color preference, feel free to shoot us an email.
Your Fellow Office People