Originally Posted: 2005-03-23 5:10pm
Rush Hour Traffic - definitions and how to for beginners
Recently, I obtained a new job in the suburbs, and I found myself driving to work for the first time in 6 years. Previously, I enjoyed the wonderfully relaxing ride of the train, downtown and back each day, where I slept, read, and worked. Now I find myself trapped with all the other poor souls, stuck in traffic.
It took me a month to remember all the other types of people who, of course, cannot drive. Because, as everyone knows, nobody else knows how to drive but you. For those people who are lucky enough to avoid wasting their life in the useless, enraging, and mind-numbing thing known as traffic, I have arranged this little list to help them recognize those drivers we see in traffic everyday.
1. The LANE-SWAPPER. (AKA The SPEED-DEMON) Probably the most common driver out there in rush hour traffic. This breed will do anything to go the fastest and be closest to the light at the next intersection, regardless of their safety or others. Typically when they pass, you call them an asshole.
2. Mr./Ms. UNORGANIZED. This is the guy or girl you see eating, shaving, reading, looking for shit in their car, putting on makeup, swerving, basically doing anything but paying attention to the road. Typically, these are the asswipes that cause you to miss lights or turn arrows.
3. The SLOW-ASS MOTHERFUCKER. This driver's name is well deserved. They can be that nice grandmother of your's. They can be that rich, conceited, asshole in front of you in the Mercedes, who doesn't HAVE to be at work at time - usually because they own the business. They can be that uninsured illegal alien, driving the 86' Ford Nova. Basically this driver will sit in the left lane, going 5 under the speed limit.
4. The GAP-KEEPER. This is the driver who maintains 4 car lengths between him and the car in front of him - even at lights. Typically, they are also the ones who brake when they see a police cruiser with someone pulled over on the side. Come on people. Do you think the cop is going to say, "Holy Shit! You're going even faster than this guy! I better pull out and pull you over and just leave this guy here..."
5. The STANDARD. During rush hour, these are the nuts and bolts of traffic. These drivers do what they're supposed to, and don't mess around. They flow with the traffic and drive normal. They are most often considered good drivers in regular driving. However, during rush hour, they are poor.
To be a good rush-hour driver takes a little bit of all the types I have listed above. Let me demonstrate. For the following example, I will use the name of the driver, and you should drive like them at that appropriate time. You can use this on the way home tonight!
As you leave work, you encounter a SLOW-ASS MOTHERFUCKER. What to do? Pull a LANE-SWAPPER. As you pass them, flick them off. Then, throw that banana peel from breakfast on their windsheild, as you cut them off. Good, right? You continue driving. Suddenly you encounter a GAP-KEEPER. Don't worry. You just wait til you get to that next light, then move into that gap they were so worried about keeping. Roll down your window and yell, "You want a gap? Better put it in reverse, Fucker!" Well done. You are almost home. You move along with plenty of STANDARD drivers, and for the time being, you are one yourself. Then you spot the LANE-SWAPPER you see everyday. The one you know is not running late. The one who is not going anywhere, except to his mansion. That's when you pull a LANE-SWAPPER yourself. Cut him off just like he did to you this morning. THEN, pull a SLOW-ASS MOTHERFUCKER - right next to a big truck. He's not going anywhere! Ahhhhhh, the simple pleasures in life. Cruise the rest of the way home as a STANDARD.
Get home, take blood pressure medication. Amen.
this is in or around every traffic jam